Hi all,

I am just totally getting tired of trying. I feel like I'm trying to squeeze a reluctant elephant through a narrow gate. I'm going to vent a little, and *please* feel free to scold me or whatever, just someone please give me some advice here.

I've asked my husband to participate in reading and going through the information here. He agreed, and actually spent a couple of nights reading the initial information and starting the emotional needs questionairre. Problem is, that was about 3 weeks ago and he still hasn't finished it. I've asked several times when we could do it, and the answer is "Maybe tomorrow."

In general, he is just a person that is extremely reluctant to communicate - that isn't just my view, that's the opinion of his family, at least one mutual friend, and the marriage counselor we saw for awhile. He prefers email and has even gone so far as to ignore what I've said verbally and told me I should have emailed him. I think he has severe communication problems and I think when he accuses me of not knowing how to communicate I think it is actually his inability to communicate that is the barrier.

Just in the past two days, this communication mismatch has caused several problems, one quite significant. He is telecommuting now, part time, so that we can live together. He agreed to look for work here, and miracle of miracles, a position opened up where I work (which is almost the only place he would also be employable, and positions don't open up every day or even every year). Since I work there, he's known about the job since January, before it was posted in March. I've been encouraging him to apply, to the point of being afraid of nagging. I told him that the way the ad was written, open until filled, that if he would hurry up and apply they might close the search and just hire him. A friend at work keeps telling me to get him to hurry and submit his application. He (my friend) has called him (hubbie) to encourage him. My boss has asked several times if hubbie is still interested, and another person who will probably have a huge say has also asked. I thought I told hubbie each of those times, but he claims I didn't. Who knows - maybe I did and he chose to not listen, maybe I planned to but his non-verbal signals (keeping his back to me while talking, walking away from me while talking, not coming to bed until he's wanting to go straight to sleep with no talking) kept me from following through.

So yesterday morning I encouraged him again to submit, he said he would work on it yesterday. At work, my boss asked again, said he was calling a meeting at 4:00 to discuss the candidates and that he would be sending an agenda around summarizing the candidates (hint hint, get that application submitted NOW!). I called hubbie at home and told him. Told him to submit anything, just update his cv and send that in (he hadn't even asked for the letters of reference yet, and he's known since January). Guess when his application arrived via email? 4:19. We were already in the meeting, there was already a list with my boss's top two candidates at the top.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Then several things have happened today that are just signalling a total breakdown in communication. One example - he was fixing himself a sandwich on a long sandwich bun, he was going to cut it in two and only fix half, I said not to, that I would eat the other half. I sliced the bun longways for him to put the toppings on, and he promptly cut it in two - I said why did you cut it in two? He said because he only wanted half and that I'd said I didn't want the other half. I said no, that I had said I *did* want the other half, and so he toasted all 4 pieces... I left the kitchen (lotsa stuff involving kids, my not feeling well, etc) and when I came back my two toasted pieces were cold and hard. When I asked why he didn't make me a sandwich, he said "because you said you didn't want one!" I know, it's a little thing, but sheesh it's a ton of little things! (can you say passive aggressive?)

Soooo, I've determined to communicate all things via email. So far I've sent him email about us fixing lasagna for dinner, and about a letter we got from the IRS. Hours after the lasagna email, he just came in and asked if I wanted to fix the lasagna now. No answer to the emails though. I don't even know if he read them, and I asked specific questions, especially in the IRS one. (I was quite nice about it too. I used bullets, which he loves.)

So, please, tell me I'm being childish or whatever for doing the email thing, but please give me suggestions or any advice you have!

OK, a couple of points:

(1) About guys not communicating. This is a very common problem in marriages. Why? Because men and women look at communications differently. Women typically view it as an activity to interact with another person; it is an activity to do with another person such as going to a dinner, or a walk, or working together. By talking, a bond is forming between the persons. However, for men communication is typically a method of conveying information to another person. Communication for men is there to inform another person, so that somethings can get done. Yes, sometimes men view communication as an interactive activity and sometimes women view communication as a conveying information activity, but typically what I wrote earlier is true. Your H does not talk much, because in his mind there is nothing that interesting or important to talk about.

What to do about a silent husband: you need to make him understand that conversation to you is important as an end in itself. Just like going to movies: you simply enjoy talking with him. Dr. Harley does an excellent job in his book about this exact issue. The next time H asks “why should we talk? What is there to talk about? What’s the point of talking then?” you should tell him the next time he wants sex: “Why should we have sex? Are we trying to have more kids? What’s the point in having sex then?”

(2) About his job: Do NOT interfere with his career. Women have a difficult time understanding just how important a job/career is to a guy. To most guys, a job is more then just a place to do work in order to get money. A career is how a guy defines himself. The job gives him a place to fit in this society. He sees himself as a productive member of the society, as a provider for his family, as someone who matters. All this fills a guy with pride and self-worth. Asking someone to work less would be akin to asking him to lower his standards, or akin to asking a football player not to try to play well and to accept defeat. I am not saying that it is right or wrong, but just presenting a fact that you need to understand in order to deal with your problem.

What to do: the only thing about his job/career that you should communicate to him is to have an input in things that effect your family. You should be able to communicate that you need more money (or are satisfied with a low income), or that you need him home more (or don’t mind if he devotes more time to work), etc. How he runs his career is really his business, undercuts his manhood, his self-esteem, his worth. Do NOT try to help him. I know that you want what’s best for him, and it is likely that he understands it too, but he really resents you encroaching onto his domain. Sorry.

Thanks for the reply AG. It is especially helpful to get input from a guy. I really appreciate your taking the time to answer.

I should elaborate some, so you have a better idea of what's going on. About his communication, he's on the low end even for guys. That's one thing the marriage counselor was working on - trying to get him to understand that my needs for communication are not abnormal, but rather about average for women, and he is on the low end even for guys. Before, his response to all my requests was to tell me I was being unreasonable. Just to give you an idea of the situation, he thinks he's made a huge sacrifice if he agrees to discuss a major problem for 5 minutes. The marriage counselor was trying to get him up to 15 minutes. I've wondered, and someone else on the discussion boards also suggested, if he might have Asperger's syndrome.

Until 6 weeks ago, he lived and worked in Canada and we only saw each other once a month when he would come to visit, and during school holidays and summer when the kids and I would go to Canada. When we were apart, we would usually talk once a night, but it was usually less than a minute, just to say good night. So we often averaged talking less than 15 minutes a week. Now that he's here, it actually hasn't changed that much. If I'm lucky I can get 5 minutes at night before he goes to sleep, and maybe another 15 minutes scattered throughout the day. So we are now sometimes spending 20 minutes a day talking, scattered throughout the day, and most of that is discussing what's for dinner, who's gonna pick up the kids, etc. So maybe 3 hours tops for the week, when the goal for maintaining a good marriage is 15 hours per week.

I have told him that it is a need of mine, a way to feel connected, and the marriage counselor has told him. If he'd agree to finish the emotional needs survey, I've got it on there also. I don't know what else to do, I really really really want and need to have this emotional need met, and I don't see much hope.

About the work situation, the reason I didn't push him more to get his application in is because I did not want to nag or interfere. Now my friend at work and hubbie are making me feel like I should have pushed harder - heubbie claims I didn't convey the urgency required. If I'd conveyed any harder I would've been chasing him from room to room to finish conversations he'd already ended. And we are in the same field. He cares a lot more about his project than I care about mine, so I've switched areas just so we could at least be together in the summers. Now, I've managed to get funding so that I can continue to spend the summers working in Canada, but he (who is totally in love with the area and the work up there) is putting himself in a situation where he won't be working in the field that he loves, but I will. I really don't want to be in that situation, I think that can only lead to him resenting me very much.

So, I understand your telling me to not interfere or try to help him. I was trying to follow that as much as possible, and now he's blaming me for not doing more. I totally understand how important his work is to him; he is totally in love with his project, and I think it would be disastrous if he had to watch me being involved with the project when he no longer is.

I want him to do whatever will make him happy with his work. He has gone into a rage before at the suggestion of switching projects so we could live together - which is why I switched. I hated to see him give up the project, which is why I agreed to his accepting the job in Canada. But there are other ways where he could be involved in the same project but us live together. But he isn't willing to put forth any effort to find such a situation.

Oh yeah - about trying to get him to understand my need for communication by asking "Why should we have sex" when he wants sex - 9 times out of 10, I'm the one who initiates. He's always pleased when I do, he's just not the type of person who would initiate very often.

Thanks again for the reply. I'm not meaning to shoot down all your suggestions, it's just that it's a really complicated situation that isn't easily explained in just one posting.