Hi. I've been checking this site out for the past few days, and I really need to tell my story. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, after a 3 month (!) courtship. It was a whirlwind romance, but things changed along the way. We were soulmates, best friends, and lovers-Everything was perfect.

Then we had a baby, and I was a stay at home dad for 1.5 years. I became dependent, clingy, and needy of her. Also, She came to feel abandoned several times, when I was actually doing things for our future (One was going out of state for two weeks to fix up a house we bought, the other was taking a job where I am gone for 28 days, then back in Denver for 28 days).

I have always tried to accomodate her and be a good, reassuring husband, supporting her dreams of being a professor. I did this mostly because of her traumatic childhood, and wanted to take care of her and give her the good life she deserves. However, now I believe that in doing so, she missed the challenges and struggles of her previous traumatic relationships, and became bored with me.

Now she's in school, hanging out with single college kids all the time (She's 30), independent, and going through many changes. She's happy where she is now, and says it's because of me, but she no longer is in love with me, feels trapped by our marriage, and needs space. This was in January.

Over the months since then, I became suspicious of an affair with one of her classmates (a married man), and started checking her emails at the beginning of April. Luckily I was at work in Houston, and not at home, because I was devastated by the huge amounts of emails professing their love for one another, graphic descriptions of what they were gonna do together, how she was never in love with me, how I hit her and abandoned her (I have never laid a finger on her).

I told both our families about it (big mistake) before confronting her several weeks ago on the phone. She denies it all (of course), and swears it was a set up to see if I was snooping. She wants a divorce, but at the same time wants counseling. I suspect I stopped meeting her emotional needs somewhere along the way, but I want to correct that. And I'm striving to be independent of her, to carve out my own life again.

I just don't know what to do- I have come to terms with the affair, I just wish she would be truthful and start focusing on me meeting her needs.

Welcome. Glad you have found us.

You did a good thing by exposing to the families, although it probably doesn't feel like it right now. Your next move needs to be telling the other man's wife. That may break up the affair, which is the thing that will most help your marriage.

Weekends are slow, so you might want to post on general questions II to get more traffic.

In the meantime, read all about Plan A, which is the starting point.

RK

Im so sorry you have to be here. I know firsthand what you are going through.

First, telling your families was NOT a mistake in any way. exposure is ciritcal. It may feel like a mistake, in that it upset your WW, but it is actually a good thing. It means she is feeling the heat.

Next step, find out how to contact the OM's W ad expose to her ASAP. You MUST do this. As Im sure you have read, A's thrive in secrecy. The sooner you expose, the better chance you have of saving your marriage. She will be really mad, threaten you and act nasty. Be prepared for this. It isnt your W talking but a WW and as you will read here, what they say/do it like reading from a script.

Posting in Gen'l will get more repsonses. There are some excellent threads that detail exactly how to expose and what to do. Peruse those. Read all you can. I personally found it very helpful to read:

"not just friends" Shirley Glass
"Surviving an affair" Dr Harley
"after the affair" Janis A Spring

keep posting and reading - you will get invaluable advice

DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!!

My soon to be ex was trying to have the OM harm me by saying things like that about me too!

The lies of abuse is a typical tactic to justify an affair.