Why is it I feel so empty, knowing that I won't be seeing or talking to h anymore? Of course he's been a huge part of my life for almost 20 years but still, the last 2 have been so horrible that you'd think I'd feel relieved. But I just feel very sad and alone. After he read it, he looked at me and said "well, what do you want me to say?" I said that I wasn't expectin a response. This letter was for me, to be able to let go, of him and my hopes for a future with him. He said I understand and walked out the door. I kinda feel numb but also like crying. Does everyone feel this way when starting plan b? I think it's going to be a real challenge to not give in and call him in the upcoming days. Why? I don't know, just maybe in the vain hope of him acting like the man I married. He has been the one I turned to for comfort for so long that it's just automatic for me to go to him when I'm hurting. Unfortunately the last year or so has taught me a very cruel lesson, that he can no longer be counted on for comfort, kindness, love or support.

FIL,

Yes everyone feels that way in the beginning. It's not easy being in Plan B. Come here for support when you want to contact him.

I'm not doing the greastest plan B as I don't have an intermediary... my WH and I at times e-mail back and forth. And believe me I don't think it's working because I get stressed every time. I have had offers from people here and I am seriously thnking about it.

The great plan Ber's are Eve, Silent, LilSis, SDGuy who are currently going through this. And Mimi is one of the success stories. You may want to search for her thread when she was in plan B I founf it very helpful.

It is very difficult when you have been involved for many years. I know I have been with my WH 27 1/2 years and M 22 1/2.

Still

The first 3 to 6 weeks are the hardest as you begin to withdraw from him. Try and keep busy and do things with friends and family...even if you don't feel like it. Keeping busy and making plans for yourself is the best way to get through Plan B and it will also help you appear more attractive to your WH.

If you desire calling him...STOP! You must show him that your boundaries are firm.

I can assure you that the WS does not take the BS's Plan B letter seriously early on and that will seem helpless to you. Remember that this will take time and if you stay dark it WILL affect him.

One more thing, do not let him try to pull you out of Plan B with demands, threats or games as he will most certainly try.

HTW,

I agree with you 100%. Very good advice.

Still

thank you both... 3-6 weeks, huh? I am trying to just make it through today. I keep thinking that his baseball game starts in an hour and how I'd like to be there like I always am. Because we fake it like we're a nice normal married couple there. Although any of his close buddies have heard how supposedly psycho I am, and treat me like crap. He probly thinks the letter means he can go ahead with his A without me interfering. He always talked about how he missed OW and how she understood him and is his best friend and how he had to give her up for me! Well, she's probly going to be at the ball game, now that I'm bowing out. He invited her once before when we were fighting and he thought I wouldn't go, but I went anyways, even if just to keep her away. It's killing me! If I can get through today, then worry about tomorrow. I think I will take a sleeping pill to get through the afternoon. I'm also going to start reading some of the recomended threads. Thank you again my friends.

FIL,

Breathe...sometimes it's minute by minute. I remember about a month ago CJ was checking on me every hour.

This is hard...we're here fo you.

Still

Then now is the perfect time to begin erasing this nonsense that was surely protrayed by your WS to his friends. Stay very dark and show him and them who the really "psycho" is.

My WW made me out to be a "whacko" to her friends and work. That doens't last long as they cannot hide their true character while in WS mode.


This is part of what Plan B is designed to do. You see now they can spend 100% of their time together and when they start to LB you won't be around to recieve the blame.

We all know how this will end, he just doesn't know it yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Stay strong!

HTW

ForeverInLove,

For me, when I first went into Plan B my addiction to my WH was so strong that I had to go 15 min. at a time without calling him. I kept making up "excuses" why I needed to contact him about something! The kids...a bill...ANYTHING! Anyway, I would go 15 min, and then say, "Well, I'll just wait 15 more min. and then see how I feel." I went that way, 15 min. at a time for about a week. Then it was every hour. Then half a day. Then a whole day (as in, "I'll just wait until tomorrow and see if I feel the same way.") Slowly, I got disentangled from WH and my Plan B was deep and dark.

There is ONE thing that you'll start to see that will probably really encourage you--or at least, I can say that it really encouraged me! You know all those crazy things that your WH blamed on you? Those things where you thought, "Man! That's not who I am at all!" and then you'd second guess yourself? Well, in Plan B you will come to realize that IT WASN'T YOU!!!! Let's say, for example, that you guys would bounce a check to every month, and your WH would always blame YOU for not sticking with the budget and not managing your money well. But in your head, you thought, "But I DID stick with the budget exactly as we agreed! I DID manage my money! I wonder what happened? Man...maybe it was me somehow." Well sure enough, in Plan B, you will make your own budget and stick with it well and even begin to SAVE money...and then one day it will dawn on you: "It wasn't me! I wasn't the one messing up the money! He always blamed me, and it wasn't me!!" and then through a friend of a friend you'll hear that WH is always broke (or something) and you'll giggle a little because YOU will know that he was the one messing up the money and the budget all along.

That is the kind of thing that Plan B is for--to get you some peaceful time to yourself so you can start to see some reality without the drama and crisis of the A. You can begin to see where you do and do not need to work on yourself--and you can begin to take responsibility for the stuff that is yours. BUT!!! You can also begin to cast off the things that were NOT yours and see a little more clearly how WS contributed to this mess.

Now, ForeverInLove, you come on here whenever you are tempted to call or email or write WH, and talk to us instead...Okay?? (((((Forever)))))

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Thank you all so much for talking to me. Today has been very difficult. WH did not take my letter seriously whatsoever as he called me about 2 hours later. He left a message that his mom will not be able to watch the baby whild he's at his baseball game but he will have Janet do it. Talk about twisting the knife. I couldnt get the judge to rule in my favor about keeping our son away from her. But anuways, he knew that this would upset me and possibly scare me out of plan B. Otherwise, why would he call to let me know that? But his ploy didn't work. I'm still dark.

CJ brought up being addicted to wh. HMM.. That's almost how I feel sometimes, like I need a fix from him. Even if it's negative interaction. So very strange to not want to let go of something so toxic!

I feel shaky and weak, traumatized almost. Yesterday was horrible.. I didn't even spell out on here how horrible it got. I feel sick thinking about it.

Do you have a go between? Who is going to handle child pick up and drop off? Who is going to get the emails, phone calls, etc about the children?

You don't need him calling you- someone else needs to be intercepting and passing along only the important stuff to you.

hang in there

Yes, I do have a go-between that I explained clearly in the letter. He ignored it and called me directly.

Had our go between drop baby off today, and reiturate to him that I meant what I said in the letter and to ask that he respect that. He just called me again. I swear.. no respect! Just let the answering machine get it again. So still dark.. 2 whole days now, whew.. It's excruciating. When that has been such a huge part of your life, good or bad, to suddenly have it gone, leaves a huge hole. Anyways, his lawyer called me saying that he is going ahead with the divorce and our final hearing is June 14th. So that is now out of my hands. Maybe it's for the best. I think I'm still kind of numbed to the reality of it all.

While I haven't been around long, I tried to do Plan B as well. While I didn't do a great Plan B, we still talked about the kids, I can say it was MUCH easier over time to do that the Plan A.

At first I was irritable, anxious, etc. I never thought I could do it. Then after about2 weeks of a not so good plan B, but learning to distance myself...it felt good. I wasn't thinking about him so much. I started to REALLY for the first time focus on ME.

I am now going back to Plan A, and IT is hard. I wish in a way I could go back to Plan B.

It will get easier...I swear to you.

FIL, I'm so sorry that I missed you yesterday, I was a bit busy, in my Plan B, hangin out with family. It was good.

To some extent, we all go thru withdrawal from our WS's, and it is tough, to say the least.

Here's the good news, your WH will keep attempting to get you to notice him, like you always have. He will keep calling and disrespecting, and you will sit silently, not responding, IGNORING HIM. Oooo, he won't like it, and reality will dig a teensy little hole in his lovey dovey delusion of a life.

He will become insensed, you will be still, he will become enraged, you will be still, he will lose his ever lovin marbles, you will be still. You will be insulated and have NO idea that he is feeling all of these thing, and you will become more stable and you will be able to focus on what YOU can do to help yourself pass time and then you will find YOU...

There is no magic, just time and space. It's what you do with the time and space.

So I just heard from friends that WH is feeling awful.. he just had oral surgery today. I had taken today off because I was going to take him to and from the hospital, and then take care of things. But this weekend was so horrible, we are instead in plan b. Why is it that i feel so guilty for not being there taking care of him? I feel so bad for him! I'm also missing him, at least the old him, so very much!!!! I just feel like I'm shellshocked, like who am I without my husband. How can I be here when he's over there needing me??? Course I'm probly fooling myself thinking that he's alone. Now that I'm out of the way, OW is probly there making him homemade soup, like I would've done. Grrr..

I didn't think my heart could break anymore but it has. Maybe it's like the first x-mas apart or something, you know the first surgery apart. Crazy, huh?

In a way today was better cuz him and I didn't fight, but then it's almost more miserable because I'm letting go of hope, of trying, of doing anything. Just leaving the ball in his court. And it's hard.. to just be still and not go to him, and beg, for what? A second chance? Ridiculous I know, but that's how I feel. I guess I feel like begging him to give us another chance, not so much me, but us. But either I'd be rejected, or he would say ok, then go ahead and do what he really wants to behind my back.

AAAAARRRRGHH... the pain of it all!!!

bump..

FIL-

I read a book when I was really bad... obsessing over my WH, thinking of ANY reason to call him. Acting like a pathetic fool any time I got a chance (and believe me, I got chances, and I took them! Silly me!).Anyway, I went to the bookstore and found this book, "obsessive Love". It fit a lot of my thought patterns exactly. It gives you ideas how to conquer some of your thoughts, and it did work for me a lot.

Plus, I went on anti-anxiety meds. I was having panic attacks all of the time. It helped settle me a lot.

I did not ever do the plan B, these are just ways that I tried to get better for myself. And they worked for me.

Good luck, and hang in there! It will get easier!

Sadmo

I am feeling slightly better now. Forced myself out of bed, threw away the tissues and did 1/2 a workout tape. I've been reading Mimi's thread and like the part where she says she's getting back to living a beautiful life, putting some flowers outside her door and lighting some candles. So that's my goal for today. Clean the house (which I've really let go this last week) then tonight, light some candles and make a nice dinner for me and my children. Maybe I'll feel rotten again tomorrow, but I am going to use this small burst of... what.. not happiness.. but lightening of the despair.. and build on it. Thank you all for checking in on me so often. I don't know how I could have made it three days now without your help!

Mimi's post was so true. Even though my lame attempt at a Plan B was broken, he did all those things. Even threatened to come and take my car.

Get ready..but I promise after a couple weeks it actually feels pretty good to be away from the drama.

As for the chicken soup....she may hate it and refuse to buy it. You never know! Don't assume things there are the way things were with you. That will just eat you alive.

FIL, that's it girl. Just keep hanging in there, as we say down here, "like a hair in a biscuit"! That's all we can do. I know what you're going through. Your words describe how I felt now for a few weeks. And yes, there have been days when all I would do was take something to sleep; days when I would clean house (cause I let it go all week) and light some candles; and after a few weeks there were days I could get up and act normal like nothing was wrong at all. It's all been a revolving cycle. But it is easier now than it was back towards the end of March when I found out he had already asked his new woman to marry him.
Just this past Thursday my IC told me that the last time he had come in he told her that he thought he was cured. She just said that she wondered how long it would be before he had the new woman in there trying to fix her. (He's a sex addict and has issues w/his mom he hasn't worked through that she told us last year he'd have to work through before he would have a fulfilling life with anyone) I told her that the more I read in psychology the more "normal" I realized I was. She said, "That's Right".
So just know that what you are feeling is "normal", it's a process you are going through (withdrawal symptoms of the addiction to him) and just like with any addiction it will get easier. You will never forget him (even if you two don't get back together) but you won't crave him as bad as you do right now. I don't. It's so much easier now (at least most days - some are still really rough) than it was in the beginning.
Hope your candles smell and look good to you and you enjoy your clean house and nice dinner with your kids!!!

RMW