I kept telling myself.. just back off and shut up. It didn't work. Am I just such a rebel or is he just so impossible?? I love him, but it's like he says "come here, a little bit, but then get away." We were going to go to counseling tomorrow together. And I blew it!! My heart is bleeding tonite..

Is he just a WH? Or is it something worse? Our MC thinks he might have NPD. I don't want to believe it cuz that is pretty much incurable. I'm soooooo sad!!! I thought I had this depression beat.. but if we didn't have kids, I could soooooo just end it right here. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being blamed, I'm tired of not knowing which way to go, and I'm soooooo very tired of nobody caring. I need some love too, I need a shoulder to cry on occasionally. I'm so alone in all this...

See how the WS tries to force the BS on that roller coaster?

L.

Yes, well, he got me back on, didn't he? What should I have done? I mean, he invited me to dinner, then he acts distracted and distant the whole time and then emphasizes how it can never work because of everything I've done. Should I have just let it go in one ear and out the other. Went with his actions in this.. as in, you invited me out, you must have wanted to spend time together. Or taken it like I did, as in, you invited me here to break this to me gently.


Well, whatever I "should" have done, I just got hurt and asked for clarification if that was my answer, that he didn't even want to try. He never really did say no, he just kept giving me reasons as to why it couldn't work, so I said fine, get out then, I'm done trying to convince you as to why you should try to save our marriage. I said we'd go back to using the mediator for necessary transactions. He said fine and got out.

So what should I do now? I guess just let it be, huh? I feel like I've ruined everything. Like if I had only been stronger, strong enough to hold to a plan a, or a plan b, then we might be ok at some point. I'm so mad at myself! Why didn't I just stay happy, not letting it get to me? Just keep showing him why he'd want to be with me, instead of proving to him why he wouldn't????

I couldn't sleep all night.. just laid there tossing and turning.. with bad thoughts/dreams going through my mind. I had really gotten my hopes up in the last few days. He was more sincere in his affection than in a long time. It really got to me! Do you think he broke NC and that is the reason for the sudden attitude shift? Or is it just head games? I honestly feel sometimes that he enjoys playing with my emotions and seeing me twist in the wind. I think he gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of torturing me! I don't know.. maybe it's not like that. Maybe he's just a confused human being. I don't know. I don't know how to just go on with my day like I'm ok. I guess just one foot in front of the other.

Aaaaccckkk! I just want to crawl back in bed and cover my head in the blankets!!!

Just got a message that MC can't see me today. I was gonna go by myself. I really needed that. I feel very lost and really needed to talk. I can't believe he had to cancel today!!!

FIL, he is saying the same things that so many before have. Don't you be snowed, [email]d@mnit![/email] Stop it!

He is a wayward. He will never really, nope, not really, answer the questions you ask. He will put it back on you. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHSVIOR. No way, no how. Plan B his [censored]. He wants to have dinner with you, he wants you there, but he doensn't wanna deal with the guilt he sees when he looks at you; so, you know what I say, REMOVE YOU FROM THE EQUATION.

Don't make idle threats. Say what you mean and do what you say. Stick to the Plan.

Thank you SL for bringing me back to reality. He is just following the script, isn't he? It's so hard to not talk to him or see him, but that is the only way him or i will have any respect for me, isn't it? I mean, I don't even respect myself anymore, because of settling for such shoddy treatment for so long. I need to remember that this is respecting myself too much to let him hurt me anymore!!!

well I got through the day somehow and then after my nite class, forced myself to go to the gym.. and I had an AWESOME workout! I feel 1000 times better! I didn't want to stop but had to pick up baby from mediator. Starting over with day one of NC with WH, in plan B/D. So should I start posting on the divorcing thread? 38 days and counting till our divorce is final. Makes me very sad but then I thought of a new goal to keep me going through this time. As I'm sweating rivers on the ellyptical machine, I thought about how I hope I don't see WH till I have to in court next month, and wouldn't it be great to have lost some more of this baby weight and be in total goddess mode.. as Lil sis would say??? I want his lawyer (a total chauvinistic jerk from what I hear) to be going "wow.. you left this woman for who??"

FIL-

It is amazing to me, our H's did so much of the same stuff.

Are you reading any books? One that helped me was "obsessive love" it was really an eye opener to me. I was a woman obsessed. It really helped me get over the first couple hurdles that I hit.

Keep working out, for you too, it is great to get compliments on an improved body, it makes YOU feel better about yourself, and your situation. It actually gives you hope... not for your M to survive, but you will see when someone is flirting with you, and it will boost you up.

I am pulling for you! I am sending good wishes your way!
Good luck!
Sadmo

Thank you sadmo. I've been meaning to get that book. I feel as if my (our) love is in many ways an obsession or an addiction. It's always been a very intense relationship.. almost like a drug.

WH is still staying true to course. He called me tonight. Of course I didn't answer, but he left a VM. He apologized for many things from our past, that he did that were inconsiderate of my feelings. He sounded very sad and lonely. Now no baby boy to love on till the weekend (goodbye to FIL making sure him and baby have time everyday together) and just his empty lonely house, with his 2 bachelor roommates and their messy cluttered alcoholic lives. Well, I hope he is lonely! He can just stay that way!

Now may be a good to time to ask him if his calls and swings are making him dizzy because they are sure confusing you.

I did that to mine and he admitted he was frustrated with himself. That's about the time he started being accountable for his actions and let me know I wasn't the one with the problem. No duh!?!??! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Still it was good to hear him finally admit it. That was a big step in itself. But not enough to start recovery. It was a dent in the A, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Proud of myself that I haven't returned his phone call from last night. But this is only the start. My goal is to not see him until we go to court next month. Let him think I am really moving on with my life, after getting zero real effort from him at making improvements in our marriage.

You summed up exactly how I feel today. My WH was meeting the OW to end it last night and ended up leaving with her. I didn't sleep all night. One minute he says he loves me and wants to be with me, then he is contacting her. He loves her when hes with her and loves me when hes with me. I think he doesn't want to give either up and is too wimpy to make a decision. I told him not to come home until he is ready to leave her and make a commitment to our marriage. Trouble is I have no restraint when he calls or texts me. I also feel like he likes torturing me and having us both wanting him. I know I have to cut the ties so he can see what its like without any contact with me. Lord give me strength!

I'm so sorry to hear you going through this! It is so hard to be yanked back and forth like this, isn't it? There are many here who unfortunately have been through exactly what you are going through. I'd like to suggest you starting your own thread and telling us a little more about your situation. We may be able to help you come up with a plan in helping you deal with all this. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

FIL, doing good...now, do not pick up that phone. Don't call back. Let him figure it out, he's a big boy and can do this himself. Your goal is a wise one, and PLANS are much easier to follow if they have some substance behind them, like your goal. You control you, you focus on you. Restarting the clock of Plan B with a goal is a very good idea.

I'm reading Eave's thread and this stood out for me:

this is what he has done each time he has tried to get what he wants
1st be nice to me
2nd try to make me feel bad for him
3rd getting nasy but still trying to make me feel bad for him
4th just plain nasty
5th silent treatment...meaning "I'll punish you by taking way what you want most...me"

This is my WH..

That whole string could have been posted by many here.
Eav's situation is a bit more difficult than your garden variety WS, as her WH deal with SA tendencies or is a sex addict (unless you are dealing with an abusive situation yourself--other than the obvious current infidelity--which is emotionally abusive in it's own right)

I think that there are definately abusive aspects to my marriage that I didn't really see, or want to acknowledge before. When our normal counselor couldn't see me on Monday, I made an appt with another one in their office. She was appalled with what she heard. She thinks WH is abusive, has no respect for women, and confuses controlling me with loving me. (because he still claims to love me) When she consulted with the MC we had been seeing together, he agreed with her assessment. He was just never that forthcoming to us in person because he didn't want to attack my H so to speak and then H never return. As I mentioned before MC also thinks WH has NPD. Yet, I never saw this, in all the years we were together, because as long as he treated me decently, I stuck by him, through all the legal troubles, financial troubles, the compulsive lying, and the rumors of other women. It's just when he began to be actively abusive of me, that I started backing away. His abuse has escalated from occasionally calling me psycho or crazy, years ago, when I didn't do what he wanted, how he wanted. To recently, it's become almost routine for him to cuss me out in public, calling me a b***ch, fu**ing wh**re, sl*t, ect... ad nauseum. Until this last counseling session, I've never seen it as a pattern originating a long time ago, that has just been escalating to this point. I thought it was just a symptom of the "fog". I'm really thinking and praying about all this...