I've had a good day in some aspects but am for some reason feeling really down tonight. I'm missing him. Not the WH, but my H. Or maybe just who I thought he was. The one who used to sing me to sleep, who picked me flowers for no reason, the one who said I was his soulmate and best friend. I always knew he had problems, but then so do I, don't we all? I thought that we could face anything together. But then he turned on me and I became the enemy. It breaks my heart all over again to think about the love we used to share. I know it would do no good to call him.. even though I desperately want to hear his voice. It would only hurt more because he would use that beautiful voice to say hateful, hurtful things. Or even if he did say something kind, like in the VM he left last night, it isn't a lasting change. It's just till I cross him. Which I never really meant to do, but always did anyways. I think about our wedding day. It was the happiest day of my life. It was beautiful and we were so in love. I can't bear to look at the pictures anymore. I ran across one of them on accident today.. maybe that's what triggered all this.

hello?

Our stories are sooo similar, it is scary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I have to stay home from my meeting tonight due to 1 sick kiddie and me with a scratchy throat.

When r u gonna call? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

How r u doing today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I'm doing alright I guess. I've been meaning to call but today was very busy. My final for the college class I've been taking and activiites for dd's school. I'm missing H, but trying to stay strong and not contact him. He is starting to get angry about having to use a mediator.. who passed this on to me. Angry about not being able to control me or cuz he misses me? Who knows. The rest of this week is very busy but maybe I can call next week. It's nice just knowing I can.. thank you.

{{{hugz}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Mornin' FIL!


One piece of advise, if you would. I would have your intermediary keep the dramatic stuff to him/her self. This stuff just brings you back to the drama. What purpose does knowing he's angry serve, FOR YOU, righ now?

good idea.. WH just brought baby back.. 4 hours late! Grrrr...

Get used to your WH not doing anything in a timely, responsible manner. Also, be sure to write it all down, especially is these times for drop off and pick up are predetermined. Everyone involved still has a life to live, so it's important to keep up with schedules; noting his tardiness is essential.

You sound pretty busy. Is there something you can do after your finals to relax? I remember my college days and it sucked.

Yes, I'm very busy. I'm stressed and lonely. I see a big connection between when I exercise or not and how depressed I feel. But it's hard to find the time to exercise in the first place. I want to call him so bad and just ask for a hug, but then i keep reminding myself that he might just cruelly reject me and even if he did show some kindness (and in his mind forgiveness) and give me a hug, it never lasts. Tomorrow would be right back to the same mind games..

Ok, so I'm trying to protect myself in case things get ugly in court. I'm making copies of all the dating profiles WH had, all the obscene and abusive emails he sent me once my VM was full, the emails to/from other women, and the emails showing his lying/deceitful nature. (he once wrote a guy online that the reason he couldn't buy his motorcycle as planned was because his mom died!) I'm also getting my hospital and police records in order to have documentation of his abuse but also neglect when I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy. This is very hard for me because some part of me doesn't want the world to know this stuff. Still trying to protect him I guess. But he needs to feel the consequences of his actions. I will no longer be an enabler.

When is your court date? Could you start posting here, in the Bee thread about court dates

Those who have court , check in here



You will find an amazing amount of support from those who have been in and out of court recently, as well as vets who are far beyond this now.

((((FIL)))) detachment and letting go are very difficult, but it is a life lesson that will only be good in the end. You control only you. Do not shelter your WH, for he will learn nothing that way. He may still learn nothing, but it is not your job to protect him from real life. Divorce is not about being buddy's and protecting your spouse. It's ugly and brutal. It's war.

Yes, letting go is very difficult. I did a drive by tonight. It was almost midnight and his truck wasn't at his house. I started crying uncontrollably. Not like he has acted like my H in a long time, but i felt like tonight that I'm letting him go. Letting him do as he pleases. Before I felt, as his wife, I could call him and ask where he was. Even though he often lied, at least he felt the need to lie to me. If I called tonight, I know he would respond that I have no right to even ask. It just really hurts!!!

The world doesn't need the details. Find a good confidant and vent as needed. You know where to 'throw your burden'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Collect the documentation. It will amaze the WS to know you have all this in writing. Mine tried to convince CHP officers that he was the victim. Hm.... guess who got hauled of to the pokie for 2 1/2 days. Not me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You have made it a boundary NOT to enable. It w/b hard but it is what you must do.

Hugz,
L.

It's so hard to not call him tonight. I just so desperately want to beg him to please see me.. me, the one he loved once! To please come back to me, in his heart. But he is lost to me. The last time I saw him.. almost a week now.. he couldn't even look me in the eyes. Guilt maybe, probly more like anger, since he still blames me for everything. I can't remember the last time I went this long without seeing him. This is killing me!

Remember you love and want your H back, not this morphed WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Shine the light so your H can fight his way back. It will take him longer to get back to God than to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Those moments of anxiety will eventually pass. This is where your support group & MB can help.

Hugz,

L.

Hey fellow Colorado Killer Bee. Thought I would drop by to offer a little support. I can't believe our D's a likly only one day apart.

Stay strong. I have finally catching up on your threads. You are doing real good.

Check in on the Killer Bee Roll Call thread if you need a boost. All the Bees check that thread daily.

Thank you, L!!! You are right. I need to be the light for him and my children. I've let my heartache and depression pull us all away from the path we need to be following.

I need your opinion on H (or WH) contacting me last night. He must have been feeling the strain of not seeing me as much as I was missing him. I mean, you just don't go 20 years with someone as an integral part of your everyday life and then know how to cut that out. He emailed me last night. Asking me to please talk to him. He said there has continued to be NC between him and last OW. He said he wants to make changes and be a better person, for me, our family, and for him. He said he doesn't know how to change what has become a habit for him, and so he can't promise that it will be overnight. But that in the meantime, while he continues with counseling, he said he can and will committ to me as far as no other women, and stopping the emotionally abusive behavior. He doesn't think he can be a good husband now because he absolutely hates himself for what he's done to me and our family. He thinks he needs to become a better person before he can be a better husband. So is this just WH talk about "I'm trying" or "I'm planning on" yada yada yada? Or is it a sincere committment, while also recognizing that this.. recovery.. will take time and a lot of effort. He said he's willing to do whatever it takes. IC and MC as well as getting our lives back on track spiritually. Please help me think through this! I don't want to give in too easily, but I also don't want to turn away the so-called prodigal son. I'm afraid either way! Please help walk me through this tangled maze!

Thanks for the welcome Chrisner! I don't feel like I'm doing good. I feel like I'm going round in circles. I wish I had found and understood MB much earlier in this process. But as it is.. I'm doing the best I can. I still don't know what to make of his "apologies" over the last few days, made in a VM and email. I also don't know how to respond. Do I stay "dark" and ignore them? But it seems he is meeting my conditions. How do I know for sure? It's so confusing!!!

I'm not sure about this...I heard this back in Oct. when I told WH I wanted a D...then he didn't follow through...

I really thinkt aht you need to say REALLY REALLY DARK...I'm going to bump a thread for you wrote by CJ...I think it's wonderful and it will get you some insight into what you are really looking for!

Hope it helps!