in my opinion
the best way to "act" at this stage is to act the part of the caring listener

give no opinions
answer with
"I need time to think about this"
or
"That is a very interesting point of view."

be there to hear him
smile
look good

offer him nothing but the vision of your wonderfulness

he is in no shape to take the reigns of family leadership at this time

just be observant

your instincts are good, trust yourself

Thank you for giving me some confidence in my instincts. I lost a little ground yesterday and asked a question about OW that had been bothering me. He responded with "I don't want to fight with you about this" I said that I didn't want to fight either, I was just hurt and wondering and he could help me understand. He just kept wanting to hang up and not discuss it. So I let it go. Then last night, when picking up kids, I acted very much like a friend, not the jilted wife. I think I disarmed him a little cuz he thought it was gonna turn into a huge fight. So I feel good about last night. Wish my self control and thinking ahead skills were developed enough to always act that way!

Btw, I'm having problems with my computer so won't be able to check in quite as often in the next few weeks. But keep the thoughts and suggestions coming.. they help soooooo much!

So I'm at the school library today and wanted to check in. I have some amazing news! H got me a new vehicle! Well, not new, but a lot newer and in better shape than what i was driving. I'm so relieved to have this weight off me. And I must say, it made a huge deposit into my love bank for him to take care of his family's financial and safety needs this way. I think it has helped him to feel some respect for himself as well. I think that was a lot of his problem with showing me affection. Because he thought what a loser he's been, spending all his time and money on floosies and his own selfish pursuits when his family went without. So why would i still want him? What do you think? Well, baby is getting noisy so better get out of the library.. hope to hear from you guys soon!

A better vehicle is a step in the right direction. That is an ACTION. So continue doing your Plan A with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. Don't expect anything at all from him right now, and you won't be disappointed.

No angry outbursts but there were some tears today. I just feel so lonely and emotionally starved. I didnt' mean for him to see the tears but he did. He said I was making him feel bad and could he finish doing the dishes and then he'd some talk to me. (I was at his house) I left soon thereafter though because it dawned on me how quickly he shut down his computer when I showed up. I know he has been back on dating sites in the last few days but didn't confront him about it. He would just get all defensive and angry that I would violate his privacy by looking on his computer. So I continued acting happy and loving all weekend even knowing this, until I saw him hurry to shut the computer off tonite. Then it kind of caught up with me and the tears flowed. Was it right to just leave soon after? He did seem slightly interested in comforting me which is a rare thing. But I was afraid I would turn it into an angry outburst. So I left. Now I'm just so sad and even more lonely. But I know WH can't help that.

We did agree to change our divorce to a LSA. He had adamently refused this for a long time, demanding either a D or nothing. So I am happy about the LSA even though ALL my family and friends will think I've lost any marbles I may still have left! But I am glad. The D looming next month had me terribly depressed. I'm still pretty depressed. I think with the school semester ending, and my super busyness coming to an end, I have more time to think. I am glad about being able to spend more time with the kids, but am worried about how broke we are. I'm going to try and budget very carefully so we can go camping a few times and things like that this summer.

Anyways, I am trying not to expect anything out of him. It's hard. I appreciate the van sooooooo much and try to let him know that. I know he feels good about that. I feel as if we had a minor breakthrough last night. I said "I think I know why it's so hard for you to show me affection or share SF with me. I think it's because everytime you look at me, you see how much you've let yourself down." He said simply "you're right". WOW...

So I went back over there last night after calming down. I knew he had a lot of other stuff on his mind and i decided to try and be the lighthouse, for him and see if I could do anything to help. Turns out I could and he was very relieved and grateful. We went out to dinner afterwards and he was very quiet but held my hand. Then he called early this morning to say how much he enjoyed spending time with me last night! It was so nice to be speaking to H!

Ok.. we're done. I've been doing so well with plan a, but after finding him on yet another dating website, all the while promising me the world.. it's been hard. But I was still nice and sweet. Until today when his child support check bounced. This is the second time! So when I called him, I was obviously angry but calm and asked him about it, he said he wasn't going to take this sh*t from me anymore and said he wanted the divorce, instead of the LSA. He's since called me back but I didn't answer. He left a message saying he was cancelling the deal on my new van, that I have 48 hours to return it, and reiterated that he wanted a divorce, not a LSA. Part of me wants to cry but it's a very small part. Mostly I'm angry, but rageful. Just coldly angry and determined that this is the last time I open my heart to this jerk!

Time to hold this idiot accountable. He is wayward to the hilt and his entitlement and controlling know no bounds. Give him a real life lesson in humility via custody, child support, alimony/spousal maint., asset division, etc.

If that doesn't knock his wayward azz awake nothing will and in that case he is undeserving of you and you will be better off without a selfish, angry, bitter, resentful, playboy in the house.

Ok.. so after a week of deep darkness, he is once again calling saying he's so sorry. He wants me to know the van is mine, no matter what happens between us. I'm still going ahead with the divorce or at the very least the LSA, so he can see the firsthand consequences of leaving your family. The CS and alimony are phenominal. Good for me, bad for him!

Notice how they (WS) are fickle? Can't tell from 1 minute to the next what their mood w/b like.

That is why it is a rollercoaster IF you allow those mood swings to set your path.

Once the BS decides NOT to allow the WS to make all the decision and the BS takes back the control, then and only then does relief settle in for good.

Expect more of his mood swings. Learn to give back the guilt even on stuff that may seem good.

Example:

WS: Sorry about the hard time I gave you about the van. You can have whatever you want.

BS: Glad to know u r sorry about that incident. While telling me I can have whatever I want sounds good, I know that's not possible. So I will give more a bit more time to get more specific. I would hate for you to get your boxers all tied up in a knot again and you go off on us. It wasn't pretty last time and won't be if it happens again.

NOTE: You are NOT giving him kudos for apologizing. You shouldn't. RE: He should NOT have treated you that way. What you are doing is acknowledging his statement and letting him know that you didn't fall for his all encompassing statement. That you are aware he needs t/b more specific (something WS' have a hard time doing). That you won't settle for more babble.

JMHO,
L.

FIL-
How are you doing? How is everything with you?

Sadmo

well.. I guess I'm doing ok. My computer is still down so that's why I'm not online much these days. I am divorced. Even up till the night before the final court date, he was asking me to not go through with it. But a week before that, he got physically violent with me, throwing me around, and bruising me up pretty bad. Why? Because I lost my father and returned from the funeral very emotional and needing comfort from him. But he never gave love or comfort when I needed it, only when he felt like giving it. Which was usually when I was doing just fine. He says he's sorry for hurting me but still making excuses. I made him do it, pushed his buttons and so on. He says he still loves me and is going to continue getting help for his issues which he now admits is some sort of addiction to the internet dating sites and admiration from women in general. Possibly an addiction to porn and sex as well. I still love him too, but cannot live like that anymore. It hurts to be divorced but not as much as it did to be married.

(((FIL)))))))

I am so sorry about everything, your father, the abuse... I hope that you are ok. You are in my prayers.

It is sad how there are people out there that are so selfish. I hope that you are Ok.

And remember, no matter WHAT he says, you did NOT make him abuse you!

Sadmo

I know that. It still hurts to think that he would go that far. He had hurt me physically before but not as badly and not as blatantly. He still says he never wanted to hurt me but why didn't I just do what he said, or why did I keep getting back up, blah, blah, blah. He still calls me all the time, telling me about some new breakthrough he's had with his new therapist. He realized today that he's selfish. Hmmm.. I hope that revelation was worth the $70 he paid him! Duh..

FIL

How are you doing?

I'm very busy with school. I still cry every few days, missing the good that used to be in H. He still says he loves me and maybe someday we can be together when he's "found himself". He is openly seeing the first IC that he says he became friends with. He says they are still just friends, but they talk every day, go out to dinner, ect. It hurts to know this was probly going on all along. He says she helps him to be a better person. Yea, like leave your wife and family? I know that predated her but still. I'm very angry and sad. I've been asked out a few times in the last year that we've been separated but never went. Out of loyalty to H, but also cuz I just wasn't interested. I'm still not really interested but I did go last week finally with a really nice man that my cousin introduced me too. He's nice and handsome and many other good things but I can't seem to let go of the attachment and love I have/had for H long enough to even really enjoy myself. It's so hard to let go!