WH came over to get the kids today. He came much earlier than expected and I was outside trying to start the lawn mower to cut the grass. Well he offered to help me as I wasn't having much luck. Come to find out the spark plug was clogged or something and he repaired it. I know I shouldn't have, but I was vulnerable...STUPID ME!!!! and I hugged him to thank him. I broke the hug and he gave me a kiss. Just a short little peck, we used to always do that after we hugged, but it felt so good to have hugged him after a year.

Well he took the kids out and I had a good cry. Why did I do that!? Hug him and let him kiss me?? I so wanted it to be like it was.

He came back and I felt that I needed to know something. Everytime I had always asked, he changed the subject or never answered. We go to court next week, the D could be over then, so I asked him if it was what he wanted. He finally answered me and said he thought it was best. He's been gone a year and he's happy. I told him sure he was happy he didn't have a wife and kids to worry about. He said he thinks about his kids, but he feels that it would be best to just go through with it now, it being a year already with him being gone, he's used to his life now. I asked him if he wanted the D to move on with OW. He said not at all, he just thinks it will best for him. He also metnioned that he spent tons of $$ on lawyers already. Guess he doesn't want that to go to waste so he feels he needs to move on with the D.

I told him I had changed, I wished he would have given me the chance to show him. He told me he wonders if I only changed because he left.

So I FINALLY got the answer I was hoping I would never hear. As much as I have said I have moved on and this and that, I had really hoped that at the last minute he would have changed his mind and seen what he was missing.

He made it clear he likes his new life and that's it.

So I guess in a week or so I'll be D'd.

Thanks for letting me vent. Got to go, I'm crying so hard I can't see the keys.

Cat

Catgirl. I am so sorry for your pain. I know that you think this is the worst thing that ever happened to you, but I have to tell you I thought the same thing when my frist love cheated on me and left me for the OW. I thought something was wrong with me and that maybe she did something better for him than I did. However I now realize that he was preparing me for my H. If I hadn't gone through that pain of betrayal I know when temptation came a knocking that I would have let in instead of coming here to fix what was wrong with my M. What stopped me from going down that road before I found MB was the fact that I couldn't put someone I love through that type of pain. I had never cried so much in my life and so hard. I couldn't do that to my DH.

Now I my XBF is going on 33 and he is still living with his mom. He ended up having a baby for the OW and she left him and the baby. He has done nothing with his life and if I see the OW now I would happily tell her thank you for taking that problem off my hand and to this day he is still bed hopping. I think he has four kids from four different women besides the one he had with my then OW. I thank God to this day from delivering me from that mess. However when it happened I thought God why me? What did I do to deserve this.

There truly is a blessing in every lesson. You can't see it now but I promise in time you will. You are not hurting in vain.

Even though problems brought me to this board now that we are fixing them I see why we had them and we have grown and are becoming better people day by day.

It will get better.

(((CG)))

P.S. I forgot to mention this but to this day whenever I hear something from him by way of friends they tell me he is still carrying a torch for me and that leaving me was the craziest thing he ever did. So even if they do leave you for the OP in time they do come back. In his case not only was he to late but I don't think I could ever take him back after all he has done to hurt me.

i'm so sorry for your pain cat

i know my husband would say the same thing if i asked

and it hurts like he!!

(((Cat)))
Sorry for your pain. It's okay to cry and let it out.

It was seeing him that did this to you... I knkow WH just walked into house without my expectation. Waited for me to look at him to say he will e-mail me later about my ds hockey (starting to play with HS this summer)

It just brings me back to the hurt.

It will get better,

Still

Cat-

I am so sorry! I cannot imagine how much you hurt.

My WH gave me the same line, "I wonder if you only changed because I left". And it hurts. It hurts because you cannot have the chance to show them.

But, you also have to look at it this way. He would have had to change too... and if he did not, then it is his loss.

I am trying to live and learn throughout my journey. I feel that we had similar situations, and it is terrible. And frustrating. But I am trying to rise out of the ashes, and try to have fun too. You will get past this, you are strong. I wish you the best of luck!!

(((((((((((Cat))))))))))))))))

Sadmo

(((Cat)))

(((((((big hugs))))))))> I know how you feel to have your heart trampled on - but its the start of another week, its a beautiful day (in the UK) and you have to keep calm and carry on being the great person you are. I too have problems with the lawn mower - but what an achievement when you sort and have a neat lawn which makes the garden look better too.

Dear Cat,

Sorry you were hurt again. The WS ain't done yet but you probably are ready t/b done.

It is sad he is a slow learner. He doesn't realize that being on his own w/b just that, on his own.

When he gets sick or needs some attention, there won't be a real family to give him the support even a parent needs.

He is dumb and in the fog.

Best you let him go for now.

Hugz to you and your family. It is sad that a man who gives life to children can so callously abandon them and the mother of his children.

It speaks badly of his character.

Best for you and the children to be safely away from his callous ways.

Move forward with the grace and dignity that is rightfully yours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Thanks all for your support. I have no one else to turn to. Relatives all think I should just be done with him. They think I am a total fool for even considering wanting him back.

Orchid...the problem is, he won't be alone. He has OW, he lives with her. I guess she doesn't give him the sh$t that I did, and he's happy with no conflict.

I truly think he likes the single life, no wife, kids etc. He lives with OW like they are newlyweds.

He told me I ruined him financially because of the D. Funny, I heard OW hooked up with him because he's rich. Wonder what now? I'm sure she knows his situation, yet she's still with him, so I guess the $$ is not important to her anymore. She works, has a good job, so between the 2 of them, they'll do fine. WH did say that he needed her income to pay rent etc.

I feel like I felt on D day. So defeated. Like a piece of trash tossed away after all those years, because WH is happy being single again. I woke up this morning my eyes were so swollen from crying all night. I had to go help out at DD's school this a.m., and people were asking me what happened? They thought I was in a fight! I told them I have allergies (not) and my eyes are puffy because of that.

I'm just so tired of it all. Not that I would ever do this, but I can see why people do drastic things, commit suicide etc., just to end the pain.

I know everyone is saying it gets better. But I just want to be married to H again. I don't want to start over.

Why did he kiss me yesterday? A sympathy kiss? Doing that set me back a year!

How long have you been in PLAN B?

Is there any way that you can stall the divorce?

I know I sound like a broken record but your WH is voicing the STANDARD WS SCRIPT. I would not have expected him to say anything different. I could have told you EXACTLY what he was going to say before you asked him.

He's IN THE FOG.

My H remained somewhat FOGGY even after a year of RECOVERY.

ACCEPTANCE..ACCEPTANCE..BELIEVE IN THE PLANS..BELIEVE IN THE PLANS...

Tell you a secret that everyone here probably knows...

I had SF with my WH in the middle of PLAN B... a sort of spur of the moment thing if you know what I mean...

It was VERY STEAMY and VERY X-RATED... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, understanding your NEED TO HUG HIM....and your UTTER SADNESS AFTERWARDS....

((((CAT))))

(((Catgirl)))

You and I have had tough weeks recently. I cried buckets at church yesterday. I haven't cried like that in months but the finality of the D really set in and the tears came pouring down. Let yourself cry. It gets all the toxins out.

I broke Plan B myself two weeks ago when I met WH to give him my signature page of the settlement agreement. I was praying for a miracle that he would look at me and ask for forgiveness but instead he looked at me in disgust. He walked out on me in the middle of a coffee shop while I was trying to talk to him. He's in so much denial about how much he screwed up that he can't even look me in the eyes. Pathetic. I thought that seeing him would give me some closure but instead I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. It hurt like heck and it still does.

Catgirl, I completely feel your pain. It's hard to let go of someone, isn't it? I still struggle with it. God will give you the strength to move on. We are only responsible for ourselves, not our WHs.

God bless you.

I am so sorry. I got that line too. The "You only tried to change because I left you"

But in a way...he was right. It made me look at what I was doing wrong in the relationship.

I know how much it hurts. I am still kinda in the middle of this, so I can't offer much advice, other that one day you will wake up and things don't hurt so much. You are able to ignore them.

This line always gets me

"You only tried to change because I left you"


DUH! You can't change something without knowing what it is that needs changing. It's not like you were really given a solid chance to figure this out BEFORE the A. Seriously, don't read too much into that line o'bull!

(((((Catgirl)))))

I am so sorry about the pain that your are experiencing. Please know that we all understand. About the family and friends writing your M and WH off, I think MOST families do that. They don't want to see you hurting anymore, and they don't want to deal with the pain themselves (selfish, yes, but self proservation is key to many people).


Keep the Plan B going, stay away from the monstrous WH.



Mimi,

I can't imagine the pain you suffered after having SF with your WH, and then he went back to OW. Well, that's not entirely true, so, well, I CAN imagine it, but it is an awful experience. You got right back up (ahem!, no pun intended) and dusted yourself off and turned that little light of yours on and silently waited and worked on yourself. That is what I'm trying to do now.

Mimi,

I've fallen off plan B a few times. Have been in it now about 2 months, but have to see WH during court which we've had twice in the past month.

He seems pretty clear to me, no fog, when he tells me he likes the way things are. He hasn't had any conflicts from me in a year, it's been peaceful at his house and he's happy. He's just not happy that I ruined him financially.

Then the kiss. What was that all about? He could have recipricated my hug and that was it. Or shunned away from me altogether. See...there I go again clinging onto signs and crumbs of hope!!!

Silent...

My DS, who is a teen, said something to me that stuck. She saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. I try and cry when no one is around, but she caught me! I truly try and shield her from the situation. She doesn't need adult problems, but I mentioned a few things to her. She said that had I not filed for D, I would not have changed...lost 70 pounds, been more tolerant, no more nagging etc.

She's right. I probably would have been the same old me.

But WH thinks I just did it because it's a way of winning him back. Maybe he was right in the beginning, but now I did it for me. I finally went on AD's last year after being reluctant. I think that made a HUGE difference. Maybe if I would have listened to my Dr. a few years ago and went on them then, things would have been different. I would have been happier, no nagging at WH etc.

I mentioned to WH yesterday when he told me that he thinks I just changed because he left, that now another man would reap those rewards someday, the new me, physically and emotionally. He agreed with me and said yeah that new guy would.

I just feel so beaten down.

Cat, sweetie, that is why you do not have contact during Plan B. I'm not swatting at you with a 2x4, I'm stating the obvious. He is still sooooooo wayward, and you THINK he's not because he SAYS so. You can't believe a word he is saying.

It sounds like, barring some miracle, the D WILL happen. It also sounds like you are moving forward with your life. You keep asking why he would kiss you. I tell you what, I don't know any friends that help me start my mower and then lean in for a smackeroo--it just doens't happen. NOW, what you can do is go back to silence. You are doing very well for yourself. Keep up the momentum. No matter what a wayward says, you changed and have kept it up because you are dealing with YOU. Just continue that.

Silent,

Swat all you want, I need it!

I am so gullible sometimes. I guess I STILL can't believe that what he tells me is not true. He sounds so sincere and sounds happy in his life. I STILL see him as my H and I know that man is long gone.

You are right, a friend would not have kissed me, even if it was a peck, so what did it mean?

If it meant anything, he'd be stopping the D now.

The D can't be put on hold. Right now if I did, he'd just go right back and immediately counterfile. It might be on hold for a day or 2, but that's it. He's made it clear he wants the D. Don't know if OW is pressuring him. I'm pretty sure she is not helping him do the right thing. I imagine she is telling him stuff and he's going along with her suggestions. So you are right, the D will happen.

I also think his pride is in his way. Perhaps he is having 2nd thoughts, but he's spent so much $$ on his lawyer and everyone knows our situaion, that he feels he could never face anyone again, meaning he had to admit he was wrong, something he NEVER admits, so he's just going through with it all to keep face. Silly, but that's him. He'd rather do that than admit he made a mistake. He is ALWAYS right.

He's having an A with a SWEET YOUNG THANG..he's in what we call the FOG..NO DOUBT IN MY MIND WHATSOEVER...

My H told me the EXACT SAME CRAP.."I'm happy".."I've got to do this".."FACE IT, IT'S OVER BETWEEN US"...and just like you, I believed him a lot of the time..BUT IT WAS ALL CRAP...

ACTIONS..ACTIONS..SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS FOR THE WS!!



THIS WAS KEY...AND A REAL SIGN THAT THERE IS HOPE!!!

That's why I asked if you can stall the divorce...

And don't believe that it was a MISTAKE that he came by early...

If it meant anything, he'd be stopping the D now.

NOPE, no he wouldn't.

When my WH walked out the door THIS TIME, he said that he wanted a D. Then he sat here for four more hours letting me talk to him. He wanted to finish out the night on the couch (it was 2am). I told him I couldn't do that, he needed to leave. I have no idea why he bothered talking to me (yes, he did talk).

When he left the FIRST time he said that a D was what he wanted. He never even attempted to file.

Cat, it's like talking to a sign post. He is in la la land, because there ain't NOBODY that thinks he's right, not even himself. He thinks that he won't have to feel guilty once the D occurs. He's gonna be thinking that one over again and again as you slowly move forward without him (and you will). Cat, your life is going to be great. PERIOD. You have already done some amazing things for yourself, keep that up and you will be right as rain, NO MATTER WHAT.

It's a process that won't work according to OUR TIME TABLE. He definitely continues to have FEELINGS for you..a SPARK..that can become a FLAME...

Are you SURE the DIVORCE cannot be put on HOLD some sort of way?



Again..nothing new..

My H is very PRIDEFUL...

You are speaking to how you feel about YOURSELF...

YOU ARE WORTH EVERY BIT OF SACRIFICE THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO MAKE..YOUR MARRIAGE IS WORTH THIS....

That is the place that he has to reach to reconcile..

You don't think he can do it?

You don't think that you are WORTH that..him being SHAMED???