or even if I am in the right place. Just googled marriage help and this forum came up. I'm about to spill my guts and don't even know if this is the right place for it! HA! I guess I just need to get it out.

I have been married for 10 years. My husband and I have 5 children together. Our last child was born nearly 3 years ago and that's when the problems really started. Now after much therapy I can see that having children filled a void in our marriage. I was so consumed with either being pregnant or taking care of a baby that I didn't have to focus on my marriage and he was so consumed with work. I knew we were growing apart which is why after our 5th child I had a tubal against my husbands wishes. I knew I couldn't handle anymore unlike his mother who had 9. That's what he wanted but I couldn't do anymore.

Since our last child was born things have gone downhill very quickly. His parents have a strange relationship and marriage. And he is following in his father's footsteps EXACTLY. He refuses to sleep in the bed with me and has not for 3 years now. He blames it on his not being able to sleep well in the bed with someone else. Okay. I can understand that I guess but I beg him to at least try and he will for one night and the next night it's back on the sofa.

He shows me no affection at all. None. He won't hug me or kiss me spontaneously and I cannot remember the last time we had a real kiss. I have beg for him to attend therapy with me and he refuses. He thinks everything is fine and we have an old fashioned marriage like his parents and grandparents and we shouldn't have to show one another affection to prove our love.

He just does not see the problems here no matter how much I try to make it known that I am so very very unhappy. I am only 31 years old. I am a beautiful young woman who most certainly does not look like I have had 5 children! And yet I feel like I am trapped in a marriage that is stale and boring and like i am living with my roomate.

And now on to the personal hygiene issues. Just like his dad he just does not care. He showers maybe once a week if I remind him. Never changes his underwear, I know this is gross and I feel strange writing it but it is a big issue for me. He does not brush his teeth and they are literally rotting out of his mouth. He says he'll just get dentures like his dad. His dad is the same EXACT way. I tell him over and over and over how this bothers me and I can't feel spontaneous with him when he hasn't brushed his teeth or showered for a week and his underwear is full of ******. Literally. It's so damn gross. And it's all true. ALL of it.

I am dying inside here. Don't know what to do. Where to go. I don't feel trapped although I know if I mention divorce or separation it would get extremely ugly. He thinks everything is just peachy and i'm being selfish. No matter how many times I tell him I am unhappy. No matter how many times I tell him we need serious help he just does not get it.

I am so tempted to stray. I am so damn lonely and haven't felt like a real woman in so long. But I don't want to damage my children. And I know by straying I would be doing just that. But I'm tempted. I have a neighbor who is showing me a lot of attention and I know what he wants. I'm not dumb. Yet I keep putting myself in situations with him that could very well lead to something bad very soon. but it's like I can't stop it because I crave it and have for so very long now.

I think I need to get out of this marriage NOW. Yet I am so scared of the effects divorce will have on my children. yet I'm not happy now and that can't be good for them either.

Ugh. I feel like I'm going crazy. 10 years. That's such an accomplishment and I thought I would be married to this man forever. I want to leave and I feel so very very very selfish. My mother and sisters tell me marriage is hard work and I can't give up. My husband IS a good man. He is. He treats me with respect and takes care of us. He has enabled me to be a stay at home mother to our children. I respect him and I love him. But there is no spark. And if he isn't willing to do anything to change then what more can I do? I see how miserable his mother is and my husband is exactly like his father. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I want to be happy. So why do I feel so selfish? I know if I told him tomorrow that I wanted out he would not want that. But he won't do anything to make it work either. He thinks it's all fine. We would go on forever like this if I let it. So do I let it just to not feel the guilt? WHAT DO I DO? I'm going crazy. Seriously.

This is definitely the right place.

Have you considered seeing a pro-marriage counsellor for help?

I have only been seeing my therapist who does do marriage counseling as well and has tried to get us in for that. She has never mentioned pro marriage counselling though and actually I have never heard of that.

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ link [/color]

download the EN questionnaire [color:"red"] <~~~ a great place to begin [/color]

By pro-marriage I meant a marriage counsellor who wants to seek to help you build a great marriage rather than just one who wants to facilitate an easy divorce.

Hi Artsychick,

I agree with bigkahuna, you need to talk with a pro-marriage counselor. Your husband can change, but he needs to know first how serious you are about your emotional needs being met. Tell him through both encouragement when he does bathe that you enjoy being around him that day, and want every day to be like that. Don't tell him days later, tell him that day, with positive comments. Remind him to change and brush his teeth each day. Take his clothes and put them in the washer so he has no choice but to put on clean ones. Do those things if you think it's OK to do them. I'm not in your situation, you know best.

Whatever you do, do not have the affair. Look at the A as the most hurtful thing your H will ever experience, pain you can't imagine. I know, my W had an A and if I had known it was coming, I would have done anything to have stopped it. Tell him you have fears about having an A. Warn him so he can change. If you have to, separate to get the message across, but do NOT have any A. Please don't do it. Imagine I'm your H telling you now, months later, telling you for him that it hurts him, hurts your marriage, hurts your kids, and will eventually hurt you with feelings of guilt and loss of feelings of love, caring and integrity towards your H.

Help your H be more of what you want. Tell him how A's develope, show him Dr. Harley's books about fulfilling emotional needs for a strong marriage. You will not regret this route, but will regret an A, and your husband will be devasted over it. Please don't do it.

God bless,
CS