Well, Ive hit a major roadblock. My husband and I took the needs assessment and he came back saying I am too lovey dovey and he does not want affection anymore. He also said he only wants intimate contact once a week, before he said he needed it three times a week- I always want it more so it was never a problem. He also said he does not need conversation, affection, or anything else. All of his issues showed I gave him what he needed and he liked how I addressed his needs, which left me more confused than when I started. Last night he told me we were beyond fixing the marrige, he wished we would have started trying to fix the problems sooner, but now we cannot fix them. He tried to leave and I begged him to stay. He did but slept on the couch. The thing is three moths ago he said our marrige was perfect, we had some small issues but nothing we couldnt work through. I was always asking if I could do anything better for him and he would say no, he was happy. Last night after aargument he said he was not in love with me and has not been for some time. He said he was not in love with me when we got married in August of last year. This confuses me because I was always making sure he was marrying me bacause he loved me and not because we had a baby together. He would always say yes, if he was not in love he would not be marrying me. I am just so confused. whenever I try to talk to him about fixing things he gets so irratated and says we are beyond repair. How can we be beyond repair if we both love each other, care for each other, and I am still desperatly in love with him. I went out last night with my mother. When I got home I asked him if he missed me and he just smiled and said no, not really. I was looking at him a few minutes later and he snapped at me "what". I told him I was just thiniking how hansome he was and he just rolled his eyes. I told him he did not have to be so mean, so cruel to me. He said he was sorry he was just being honest. I told him I respected that but he could do it without being so cold to me. He then said he wanted to be seperated, but he would stay living here until I got on my feet ( I am a college student and stay at home mom). I just do not understand why he says he does is not in love with me, but he loves me, he wants to leave, but he wants to stay. Am I wrong to be so confused and want to know why this is occurring? Should I just leave him alone and not give him attention like he asks, or should I keep showing him attention but not ask questions? I do not want to push him out the door, I just want to change whatever he wants me to change, whether it hurts me or not. I want him to be happy again and I will do whatever it takes to provide this for him. I take my vows very seriously and I will stand by him through this. Please give any advice you can, I appreciate all responces.

Whatever it is, it's more than what he's telling you. My top two guesses would be 1) an affair or 2) sexual problem - not necessarily in that order.

Getting a man to admit to having a sexual problem is almost as difficult as getting someone to admit to an affair, so I'm not sure what to tell you except to look more closely at his behavior for clues. If it leans more toward affair, then you might have to play snoop to get some proof. If it looks more like a sexual problem, you need to tell him you know something is not right and that he should get himself to a doctor pronto. Just be warned that doing so may resemble pulling teeth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I KNOW he is not having affair- I have done all the investigating a woman can do, he is faithful without a doubt. I checked phone records (cell), I got a SIM card reader, I would check up on him, and he is always on the up and up. When we first got together he would last for hours sexually. He would always make sure I got my orgasm before he would get his orgasm, which is something he is real big about - he wants me to get mine before he gets his. When I became pregnat things changed a little. He got to where he could only go for 10 minutes or so before having "his". He would make comments like "I wish I could go longer than 5 min. for you" or "dont u wish you had a husband who could last longer than 5 min." and stuff like that. Ive always tried to be as positive about it as I can. I will tell him it is ok because the act itself feels good no matter how long he takes and I am happy with the sex we have.He still has moments where he will go for longer, I just figured it was part of married life, did not bother me just as long as we DID it. And He knows that.
Now it makes a little more sence. Maybe he feels like nothing he can do will be good enough for me- I always need more attention, more love, more quality time. I regret many of those comments now. I would do anything to get what we had before : ) The sexual problems do not explain to be why he would fall out of love with me, though. I mean it is not like I am not fullfilling his needs, Whenever he wants whatever I am ready to oblige. He just will not talk about anything. He gets mad, as if I am just supposed to automatically know what is the matter. All I can do is assume and while doing this I continue to screw up....

i haven't read any other posts from you so i will only answer to what i think about this one hoping i can be of any help. you sound like a good wife, maybe a little bit too needy for your husband's liking, just the same as i was before. If i was you i would try and find fulfillment in other things rather than only in your relationship. your husband could be going through a maturity phase, he sounds like a bit inmature, might need you not to expect so much from him or just not to analise him so much. why is he saying he wants to separate?, just out of the blue?. guys don't need conversation or much affection, we do. they need to be left alone when they ask that, it's hard for us to understand that but men need time to themselves, to sort themselves out without having us around asking them if they are ok. is he mad because you seem unhappy? or because you nag at him too much?. maybe you are right and he likes the attention he gets from you when he gets sulky. have a life for yourself, continue trying to communicate with him and tell him your needs too, your need for conversation, affection, and you try and satisfy his needs for space. i wouldn't worry about the sex, what you describe sounds normal to me. he probably doesn't mean when he says that he doesn't love you. have you considered going to councelling?, what about showing him this site?. good luck

It is sort of out of the blue. We seperated a few months ago for one month. Since we had the baby we have not had much time to ourselves, normal I know. However, anytime we could spend together, alone, he would always have his family over. After months of this I had finally had it. I felt like I was not asking much, I just wanted to spend a few hours cuddling or just watching a movie together for just one night. He agreed and it was the end of it. That night he came home and went straight to his recording studio. He ignored me. Later that night he came in and asked me what was wrong. I explained I was hurt he forgot we were supposed to spend time together. He just rolled his eyes and left the room again and said he would make it up to me tomorrow. The next day I figured he would uphold the agreement but to my surprise he had called his mother and invited her, his sister, and his brother over. I held my tongue. Later on, his mom went outside and I made a sarcastic remark to him, he made one back. We kinda grinned over it and it was pretty much over. I felt like I was about to cry so I went into the babies room so noone would notice I was upset. I came into the kitchen and they were talking about me- or so I thought ( I still think they were, I know I heard my name and them say I would just have to get over it). I told him it was not right, and he picked the baby up and started packing up. This was the first time I found out he was not happy. Anytime I would ask he would always say he was very happy with the relationship, I was the only one who had problems with it. According to him all was hunky dory. We did not talk for three days ( oh, I ended up with the baby since I was breast feeding him at the time). When we did talk he told me things which made him unhappy. I explained to him if he would have communicated these issues when they first arose I would have been more than happy to fix them or atleast comprimise. Needless to say he came back. When he came back I made progress in changing everything he told me he did not like. I thought I was doing good up until 2 weeks ago when he told me he was not in love with me anymore, but he did love me, there would always be a place in his heart for me. He then told me I could not change. I asked him had I not changed, because I say the differences in how I had changed.
A few of the issues he had was I would search through his things (which I only did when I felt like I had a reason to- which is why I know the affair idea is out of the question). He also wanted me to stop accusing him of doing things he was not doing ( I would not accuse, I would just ask, but he calls it accusing). He wanted me to "allow" him to go to members of his families homes I did not like, which I did not like them because they were very bad influences and a husband and father does not need the possibility of going to jail.
I complied to all of these requests. He has had free roam even though it bothers me I keep it all to myself. I understand I am a little needy, I can work on that - would have if he had asked- I cannot read his mind no matter how much he wants me to. Really all I ask id for a kiss in the morning, a kiss when he gets home and a kiss before bed (some kisses can be replaced by hugs). Also I just wanted one night a month where it was just the two of us. We planned a vacation, which was supposed to be just us and the kids, but now it is us, the kids, his mom, brother, and sister. I like having them around, but I like visiting my husband too. he is mad i nag too much i think. i do not reallyt know right now cause he wont tell me what the prob is. he just says he cant take it anymore. when i say take what he just ignores me.

oh, also I am going to IC starting next monday (already have the appointment). I am still waiting for him to answer whether or not he will attend marrige counceling with me. Last firday he was willing, then changed his mind. Therefore, I am not sure.

SSW,

Would you do us old folks a favor? Would you break your posts into paragraphs? I honestly do have bifocals and the uni-paragraph, much like a uni-brow, makes my eyes swim.

Appreciate your effort and commitment to your marriage. I hated to ask more for myself...and I did it, anyway.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're not alone toots...

LA

I will do that, thanks : )

i am going thru the same thing with my wife. I stumbled upon this web site over the weekend. I have found alot of helpfull advice within this web site. I have been telling my wife that i am going to change and it is only temporary. i tell her all of the time that i am going to change and like i said its only for a little while. Now i want to show her that i mean it and she doesnt believe me. Cause she said i always tell her i am going to change and i dont. So after reading topics on this web site i have found alot of things that will help me out but now i feel like she is not willing to meet me half way. I know that i am to blame and i want to make things right between us. And i would do what ever it takes. For example she tells me that i nag to much about her. So i try not to i know that its only been one day but its a start. I just feel that she wont talk to me about this whole changing issue. I dont know if its cause it has not been that long for here to see that this is going to be a permant change. But i also know i have told her alot in the past for the last 2 in a half yrs that i would but i have always came up short. Everything has been my default. I know she cares cause she ask me what is wrong but when i try to tell her about what my issues are she says we already talked about it. And i dont want to make her mad i want her to be happy. So should i just continue to show her that i am going to change. And hopefully she will come around and talk to me?