I filed for divorce about 1 1/2 months ago. My H is diagnosed severely depressed, and I believe he is narcissitic, controlling, emotionally abusive and a sex addict. We met online got married after 4 mths and now have a one year old son.

Anyway, H really wants to reconcile. I am not sure what I want. He has shown some improvement since we've been in marriage counseling.

This is the 3rd time I left him. And each time I leave and we are both thinking it's over, he is back online looking for someone new in a matter of days... He keeps telling me I left him so he is going to find someone who wants to be with him.

Well we have been seeing each other at least every weekend, sexually and all. We didn't really discuss the divorce. We just enjoyed being with each other and our son. Even though I didn't tell him I would hold the D process, I didn't know he was still talking to women online, even planning to meet even though he hasn't yet I think.

We just had counseling last Thursday and I told him I would hold the D and see if this marriage could be saved. I saw a lot of online activity on his computer history that night when i was putting our son down to bed. He told me I didn't give him a commitment till now so he felt it was okay for him to do that. I just feel like a fool that this whole time he was 'exploring' what was out there in case we didn't work out.

I don't know if I should still feel very upset about this or not. He tells me that he cancelled all his accounts on Thursday now that I actually said I would hold the D. I just don't think it's fair that he did this to me. If I did anything close to this he would be so furious.

Any advice? Thanks in advance.

Actually, I can kind of see his point. First you file for divorce, then you change your mind but he knows this is the third time you left him, so how seriously should he take that? Plus, he's severely depressed. Of course he's going to be talking to other women. He'll need an emotional lifeboat if you decide to leave again. It might be the only thing that will stop him from committing suicide if you do leave. Not that you should stay just because of that, I'm just pointing out that a severely depressed person in a precarious situation is likely to do a lot of crazy things to protect himself.

And being narcissistic, controlling, emotionally abusive and a sex addict can all be symptoms of depression. I have depression myself, so I know whereof I speak. The narcissism comes from not being able to see past your own pain. The controlling part comes, for some people, from fear of losing people and since you left 3 times he has much to fear. Emotional abuse - well, unhappy people tend to lash out at others. Sex addict? Well, if you're feeling rotten all the time, sex is a good pick-me-up.

Now I'm not saying any of his behavior is justified. It's not. But you should cut him *some* slack because many of the problems in your marriage could be a direct result of his illness. He needs to be symptom free before you can really judge what sort of marriage you have or could have. Believe me, a symptomatic depressed person is worlds different from a depressed person on good, anti-depressants.

That being said, you should not tolerate him talking to these other women, but don't berate him for doing so while you were still not fully committed to the marriage. That wouldn't be fair. Tell him you now realize that a lot of the problems you had may be a result of his depression and that the first order of business is to get him better then to work on your marriage. Remember, this is a health issue not a personality issue.

One problem that depressed people have is that the other spouse is often not very sympathetic or doesn't see it as a real illness. For the longest time my husband thought I was just being lazy. He needs to know that you are taking his illness seriously. And don't focus on what he did or didn't do when you were filing for divorce. Focus on the future.

Men see sex as something different than women I believe. I really believe that men equate sex and a woman's desire to have sex with him, as love. At least with a wife. No matter how much I would try to explain that my sexual desires for my wife were genuine and that I loved her and wanted to make love to her. She just couldn't see that I wanted to feel close to her, and disregarded my needs and desires because she didn't have them. Yet, women EXPECT a man to sit and listen, be involved, etc to them. These are exactly the same things here, just in different forms.

Men want their wife to WANT them. Men want to be desired, and I believe that goes far into the Madonna/****** complex that women are always talking about. We want kind, loving, gentle wives. But we also want to be desired, and for there to be no question that our desires are important to our wives.

I don't know, it seems such a little thing on both mens and womens accounts. If men would be better at listening for half an hour, even asking about things that would prime the wife's pump to show them that they cared about how their lives were going and what was happening, women would be happier. If women would actually BUY some lingerie, and call their husband up to the room and tell them they are desired and needed... I think that would make all the difference.

I really believe men are simple... we want to be your knight in shining armor... we want to be your provider and hero... we want you to WANT to find out what is important to us, and THEN to WANT to fulfill those needs and desires.

While I do know that there are true sex addicts, I also believe that it is a cop out for far too many women, to simply state that because their husband wants sex more than they do, that there is something wrong with it. And then complain because the man doesn't want to sit and hear about the neighbors or that mean co-worker.

I am sorry, but this is a big factor in my marriage, and I feel completely unfulfilled as a husband sexually. And I am so very hurt by the fact that although I have told her countless times, of my desires and tried to be romantic, etc. She completely refuses to acknowledge those needs and desires, and thereby refuses to acknowledge me. Don't think that by refusing sex or making it into a chore, that your husband will be OK with it... he will be no more OK than you would be if he ignored you after a long day at work.

Just some food for thought from a man who wishes that even once, his wife would have instigated sex...