I’ve been living with and married to my wife for 22 years. I found out a couple of weeks ago that she has been having an affair with a former boyfriend for many months. I’ve experienced all the negative emotions of anger and made the mistake of expressing them in a really bad way. I’m frantic with worry, I can’t sleep and my work is suffering.

We’ve agreed that we should try and save our marriage and sought help from a marriage counselling service. We’ve had one session together. This has revealed that I have been behaving really selfishly for many years and bit by bit have killed off the feelings that she had for me. This made the conditions right for her to be susceptible to an affair. I’m ashamed of my behaviour and wracked with guilt.

She has agreed to break off all contact with the OP and to let me know if it happens despite her best efforts to avoid it. She says that she feels numb and very resentful. She also feels that I may not be able to change my behaviour as it might be inconsistent with my character. She is however willing to try as we have 22 years together and a 10 year old child. However the counselling service has told us that it normally takes 6 to 8 sessions for a couple to conclude if they can save their relationship. She sees this as a way to time bound her suffering.

I’ve read the Surviving and Affair book. I understand that she is probably in withdrawal. However I appeared to have damaged things so badly that I’m at a loss as to know how to behave on a daily basis. When we spend time together, I feel enormous affection for her but I know that it is not reciprocated. I’m not losing my temper or being judgemental with her. When we talk I try to explain that I understand how she is feeling and why it is justified. However it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. I don’t know what to do in order to rekindle her feelings for me. The advice in the book seems so woolly on this score. I’m so worried that whatever I do, it will be too little, too late.

It's been so long since we've properly communicated that our time together seems contrived and too intense.

I would be most grateful for some practical advice on things I can do to rekindle the feelings that she once had for me.

Thanks!

Welcome, MW, to MB...

I am very sorry you have been betrayed...and very happy you've come here to ask questions, share and study.

"She also feels that I may not be able to change my behaviour as it might be inconsistent with my character."

Please do not focus on her stuff...her feelings, thoughts, etc...when your focus is there, you are abandoning yourself. Hurts worse. Listen and repeat what she says and know reality.

She made a drastic change in choosing to have an A...might be inconsistent with her character...might not. Know that WS's project a lot. Don't take and make stuff about you...listen to know, not to judge.

Own all your own stuff with these new eyes...what I'm hearing is that you're suddenly aware of all you did and didn't do ... which is terrific! Did not cause her to have an A. You're not that powerful. She chose. Please know and understand that. You contributed to the climate of the marriage (you're half of every relationship you have here on earth)...you did not make it rain.

I haven't worked out a good analogy for that...sounds lame to me right now. If you think of one, please share. I could use it.

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All WS's have a "hurry up and get there" perspective. They are in their most inner child state...and real time feels like forever...and you may be experiencing hearing her make a lot of childish statements. Don't react with your inner child, 'k? Bring reality, "I hear you feel the six to eight weeks to know if we stand a chance is suffering. I undertand."

'Cuz you are understanding suffering hugely right now, aren't you? In relation to your whole marriage, six to eight weeks of MC is nothing, isn't it?

What verifying procedures do you have in place to verify no contact?

Work on respectful communication...listen and repeat for clarification and confirmation. Slow down your reactivity by putting a hopper on top of your head...and imagine her words going into it....so you can hear, repeat and know...not to judge, not refute or make about you. Do not let them come into your own head until you truly know what she said, and she confirms you heard correctly...and not until you don't take them as the truth, only her truth, 'k?

Spend 20 hours of RC time together and don't judge it...be open to remembering how you guys feel in love, know her ENs the best you can and act from your own choice to love her...not giving to get...acting from your love which will aid you greatly in your own love bank.

Plan A...read and know and act from it. Did you expose her A? Did you inform OMW or GF?

"it is not reciprocated. I’m not losing my temper or being judgemental with her. When we talk I try to explain that I understand how she is feeling and why it is justified."

Ahhh...do not justify anything. Listen and repeat what she's feeling...do not justify. WS's method of getting them into A's and doing this much damage to you, her DD, others...are from justifications. Beware.

Plan A is to bring reality..."Your choice to have an A is shocking to me. I have really woken up to a lot I was doing and not doing. Thank you for choosing to end contact with OM and work on our marriage."

I fear you'll take the MC's judgment whether your marriage can be saved or not...when it's totally your choice. This is one of those lifetime choices you make solely from inside yourself...not depending on odds, not wasting effort, or protecting your heart.

Your heart has been shatter. There is no waste when it comes to saving your marriage and keeping your family in tact, IMO. You choose.

Choose and know your choice...then act from your goal. That's your intent. Share a lot with her...that you realized stating your feelings, your stuff, instead of demonstrating was a choice all along...which you didn't see.

Share why you AO'd, if you did...not an excuse...sharing a process...if you yelled because you took stuff she was saying about yourself, heard criticism or judgments, felt mothered...or just not heard at all. Own your stuff aloud...through sharing.

If you work on yourself, you'll come out of this knowing you did all you could to change yourself, save your marriage and you can look your DD in the eye and say, "I did all I could" because she's worth that. You're worth that. Your marriage is worth that.

And know what you're doing, choosing to live from respect and awareness right now...choosing your marriage...ARE acts of love. She has got you blocked right now on some love deposits. Don't worry...do them anyway...without expectation of giving to get...and feel great inside yourself for your ownership of acting from love, not reacting from fear.

Have you read about transparency? Is that what she's promised? To share who they were in contact, and how she can be an open book so she can rebuild trust? Did she write a no-contact letter which you saw and you mailed together?

Listen and repeat will take the intensity out...that's you choosing to be a safe place where she can be heard, not judged (not refuted, just heard) and you can work on clearing up what you automatically hear...which is normal after 20 years, I promise.

You're not bad, defective or wrong, MW. And if you're feeling crazy, think how crazy you'd feel if aliens abducted yoru wife and put a clone in her place...and you might come close to a reality you didn't consider before.

You're fighting for your W not WW...get to know the difference.

You can do this...up to you to dwell where you have no power...in her stuff...in the future (worrying is like praying for what you don't want), judging what you can't know (too little, too late), which is fantasy. Trust what Dr Harley says...we can fall in love with our spouses over and over again...first, we have to get out of A's to do so.

You can do this and you are not alone.

LA

Dear LA,

thanks so much for your reply and constructive suggestions. You think me writing to her in an effort to convince her that I truly understand and apologising for my previous actions is counter productive?


Oh yes. I've never ever felt this bad.


I review the call logs on her mobile phone and our home phone number. I also plan to start regularly asking her if she has received any contact.


My concern is that it may not be enough. That she will remain wrapped up in her own justifications after that time and decide to abandon things because she sees no hope.

Yes but only to her and a mutual friend. I feel that more widespread exposure will make it more difficult for us to recover.

Whilst I know him by sight, I don't know his surname, where he lives or if he has a GF. She says he's not married. I don't know how to go about finding this stuff out.

She has promised to tell me if she receives any contact whatsoever. She didn't write a no-contact letter that I saw and mailed. I haven't managed to get her to read the book yet and haven't suggested this.

You need to find out everything you can about OM. Use a PI if necessary.

I'm not sure what advantage I would gain by hiring a PI? Why do I need to know as much about him as possible?

If the OM is married then you need to contact his spouse.