I'm somewhat new here. I've been reading for over a year and made only one or two posts. Still, as I read all the posts, as I read SI and others, I can't help but think there is something, something so significant and profound, so desparate, that we are missing as people efforting to, not just survive infidelity, but to truly thrive in its aftermath.

I don't know what it is but I know that I can feel it. It is so very heavy. Regardless of the state of our reconcilliation I feel this weight and I tire of its opressive nature.

Do any of you feel this cloud, this weight, this subconscious presence? Regardless of how well you are doing do you still feel, under it all, the need to flee? If you have recognized it's presence tell me how you've overcome the the rudimentary need for self preservation to fight or flee? Do you ever feel that you've been caught in this loop of the "in between". The in between of what's "right" and ......

Is it peace that is lacking? Or, is it a deep self assurance that's lost and can never be restored or recovered? Or, is it an undeniable separateness, a lonliness if you will, or is it an utter despair that creates such a feeling of a profound and unchangeable chasm to reach across?

What is "it" for you? I have tried to understand for so very, very, long and I still cannot put a finger on it, define it, reveal it, or, in the end, cope with it.

Thank you for your opinions. I greatly appreciate it.

IIC

I think I understand what you are asking and I'd have to say yes, I have felt the need to flee. But I have felt over TIME, that need doesn't arise as often.

It is a weight and to me it's palpable. It's not utter depair however and it is getting better as I am healing as a person. 2 years later it is still here though.

I know that doesn't really help you much. But I'm sure most, if not all, BSs have felt like this at one time or another. I guess to overcome it I look at my priorities. My family is my number one priority. When I think about fleeing, I think about my kids and keep chugging along hoping someday I won't feel that void.

IIC,

Is it maybe a sadness that just seems to be underlying everything, even the good things?

Maybe it has to do with comparisons. When something happens that is a trigger, a reminder of the A, I feel sad. But when things seem to be going well, I also feel sad because I still recall the pain and fear that came from the A. A great weekend is muted by the thought of how great it would have been if the A had never happened.

I sometimes wonder how good things could have been if there was no A to recover from. I also often consider whether the decision to recover was the right one. It sure would have been easier to just move on rather than work all of this stuff out.

OTOH, it has only been about a year since the end of the A and so I am cognizant of the fact that things will improve with time and some day, may even be great.

Perhaps my perspective is clouded by years of being a Cubs fan...

An optimist sees the glass as half full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
As a Cubs fan, I just know that someone is going to spill whatever is in the glass.

It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Until recovery reaches a point where trust has been rebuilt and we no longer fear a relapse, we will still be in a condition of wondering. We wonder if we made the right choice. We wonder if NC has been ongoing. We wonder if the underlying issues that led to the A are being resolved or if they have just been put away till some time in the future.

Some of it, I think, comes from buying into some of the arguments of the WS, the "reasons" they gave for having an A, which were really nothing more than attempts at justification of what even they saw as clearly wrong. It stems from trying to prevent another A by "doing" or "not doing." If I continue doing the right thing, FWS will remain faithful. If I avoid doing the wrong thing, they will be faithful. But if I hesitate or have a bad day and don't get it just right, he/she will run off and start all over again.

But we can't control their actions or their feelings. It isn't within our power to cause them to remain faithful. The only person who can control him/her is him/her. The WS must be the policeman of their own actions. It is them that needs to be diligent in preventing a recurrence. It is at this point we can begin to move forward. It is then that things start to get better and as a couple we can begin to thrive.

Mark