ok... it seems that most people on this site have either divorced or they are making their marriage work... i feel like a ping pong ball... back and forth with decisions and emotions... i feel like things are constantly changing before my eyes and i can't control it... one day i hate him, the next i love him... one day i want to make it work, the next i want a divorce again... i have filed and it is still standing... how long do i try for? how many times do i try to make it work? I'm afraid that i'll continue this cycle until i can't make any of my own decisions... i don't want to feel trapped.... is anyone else in this situation? i get great feedback from everyone on MB... but sometimes i feel like i shouldn't open my mouth until all is said and done.... and i don't want to do that... i turn here for advice because i can't talk to my friends and family because i know they just want to protect me...

Stressed,

I don't know the entire situtation but the emotional roller coaster (ping pong) is normal. I hated my wife, then loved her, then hated her, etc. I was even happy (for about an hour) that she had found the man of her dreams!!! How screwed up is that?

What I can tell you is if you are going through the emotional roller coaster don't make any big decisions. If you don't know if you want to proceed with the divorce, step back for a while.

I believe I filed to early (at least for me emotionally). My X basically told me to file or she was going to (she wanted me to be the bad guy I guess). I wish I either would have waited, or just let her file. It was a tough time...

I want you to know that divorce is horrible and unless someone has been through it, they don't understand. However, if you do get divorce, you WILL survive.

Keith

Read the book Hope for the Separated or Controlled Separation, both authors think that it's "normal" to be indecisive about divorce - most do go back and forth, and on a daily basis oftentimes so you aren't alone. I think many on this site are unsure, but they are better at setting their minds to reconciliation or divorce. In another divorce book I read that in my state 20-30% of divorces aren't completed. That means that's the percentage that back out and likely reconcile. I'm sure there's another at least 10-20% there that really take their time. This is a very nice website, like a live journal, where you can vent and say what you wish. But keep in mind this is the support of "strangers" and some of it might not be in your best interest - for example when you are in "divorce" mode you'll get those cheering you on that are also in divorce mode. Likely here you'll write things you might not tell people in the real world. You might be in the mode of portraying your ex as the most evil person that walked this planet, and people are going to respond to your fears, not knowing you, basing their comments at what you are saying during certain posts. Also if you are in reconciliation mode, you'll find those to cheer you on. It's sort of like counseling, you can pay counselors to tell you what you want to hear. I once did pay one, he said it's easy, if I wanted a divorce we'd sit and slam my ex, if I wanted reconciliation we'd do the opposite. Either way he said he gets paid. On this site we aren't getting paid to give you advice, but you do need to be careful if you are uncertain. As you might get too much information and have more trouble making a firm decision. You don't have to close your mouth untiil it's all said and done, that isn't the answer, as we all need support. But I'd mix marriage builders with a professional counselor that takes notes, is able to monitor your mental state of being better then us lay people. So many people post on this site that we likely can't remember details of your story from one post to the next. We are responding to one post at a time. I can say if you need a "break" that it's true, there might be a time you'll want to not come here, get your space, breathe and it's during times of space that sometimes we are able to come to decisions - rather then times of confusion. Too many opinions can be damaging. Ok?

horsey and keith,
Thank you so very much for your advice.. i think i'm going to take a break from MB.. maybe a week.. just so i can get my head on straight and figure things out.. i come here to vent and sometimes i just feel like i'm being yelled at... i understand everyone's concerns and i have given my input to others as well... but i hate feeling like everyday is a different answer.... i should just continue to read... without posting... (the reading does help)... and then come here to vent about my CHOSEN path.... I am currently in counseling as well as my husband... separate counselors and we are going to try a NEW counselor this week.... i'll just have to see how it goes...
Thanks to everyone for all of the wonderful support.. it is GREATLY appreciated... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> you have all become part of my cyber family <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maria

Stressed,

In my session with Steve Harley, he suggested reading the topics on this forum that address my situation only, and that's it. There is a voyeuristic curiosity that sometimes draws me to this site like a moth to a flame. I was looking for a happy ending (reconcilliation) to be captured in REAL TIME. Real life does not go like that.

Having said that, you're right to take a break. Work on yourself. Seek SUPPORTIVE friends. Instead of reading this site, read some of the books offered from this site (or other books), take up a new hobby to help burn excess energy.

The period around my D was emotionally the worst time of my life. My journal at that time read something like:"...I love you, come back...you rackenfrackendirtyacken...I hate you..how could you do this to your family..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Everybody has a different tipping point to D. At the time, emotionally I didn't want it. However, X was willing to sign away custody of the kids (she's still very much involved with the kids, but I'm the custodian), so I felt I had to take that "deal." Emotionally, I'm still recovering, occasionally get sad and angry because this is not what I signed up for.

I will make a suggestion: Read Harleys's books and other pertinant material. Work out a plan. Refrain from posting vents. I believe it helps to vent to a safe, trusted person. However, when you post a vent on a thread, the vent lives on and takes on a life of its own. Instead of relieving steam, you pick at wound over and over.

Good luck, Stressed, and God Bless.

Thanks Hardlesson....
i have started confiding in my sister... she has agreed to take me on.. haha... i told her that i haven't decided what i'm going to do yet... she agreed to sit and LISTEN... she is going through a similar problem as me.. so we jointly AGREED to be each other's venting system... we would NOT judge each other... it seems that when i even vent to my best friends they don't listen... they just criticize... i'm not looking for criticism... i'm looking for ears to listen.. so i can figure out my own problems... i have met a few wonderful people from here that i email daily on a more personal basis and they have been trememdous help as well... Thank you for your advice.. i will definitely heed it...
I will continue to look for advice here (without posting) ... and will come back when things are more CALM in my life...

I feel the same, like this board is filled with criticism, sometimes I wonder who all of these people are. I'm insecure so I'm always seeking advice but too much and too many opinions can be too much for someone trying to make a decision. I think it's like eating junk food for the mind, you wouldn't eat and eat twinkies would you? Some of this stuff is junk, we'll all admit it. I've seen some come and go on this site, I left for a long time, mostly they leave saying it's a big soap opera and it's addicctive. It's ok to have friends online at a place like this but it's hard to take "advice" with a grain of salt. It's very ineffective if you do want to fix your marriage to have people cheering you on to get a divorce, because they read some of your previous vents. People used to through out big words like narccism and such when I was deciding to leave my marriage, really I think my head got filled with garbage and it made me more angry. I've been separated for 2-1/2 years now so I've had time and space, but when you are first leaving a marriage or separating it's a major, major life crisis. Christian counselors typically try to hold on to marriages even during the roughest times, because they've seen that healing can take place. Sometimes a person needs space rather then clutter and zillions of ideas to heal, think and make a decision. Even one small daily decision is fine right now for you. Jesus himself used to go to the mountains and take time off to heal. I'd suggest yoga, clearing the clutter in your home, quiet spiritual music, good food, vitamins, walking... whatever it takes to get you back to a state where you feel more balanced. None of us unbalanced with minds full of ideas and clutter can make good decisions. I'm afraid this site can make a cluttered mind more cluttered at times... think peace and calm as much as you can.

ummm... i just WOULD eat and eat twinkies.. haha... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I have purchased a few self help books and i'm doing some MAJOR soul searching of my life and how i want for it to be... i am just looking to be happy and wish friends and family would just understand that's what i'm trying to do... i have lost my brother due to all of this... he has literally DISOWNED me... it's very sad... and i'm very torn over it... i want to leave my H because of it, yet, i cannot live my life according to my brothers wants and needs... i have to live for myself and make my own mistakes and still have FAMILY to support me... that's all i'm asking for.. and yes, this place can become addictive, so, i am going to take a break from it... clear my mind.. and make some sense of my upside down present life...
Thank you so much for your advice... i cannot tell you how much it meant... your reply was a real eye-opener... or should i say mind-opener.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wasn't your marriage filled with abuse? I can tell you "no one" that hasn't gone through this will understand. There's some of us on this board that do so you might want to hang out here now and then, and listen to those that have "been there." But it's true, you'll hear what you don't want to. With abuse, few marriages have a chance. Things don't typically change. And people here probably will hammer on you about that. I too lost friends and family due to what I was going through. I almost lost my best friend, just going on and on and on about my marriage for years, doing nothing, always trying to fix what was seriously broken. People are likely trying to help you stay away from a bad situation, you want hope but aren't finding it. I was that way too, I got mad at the messengers. People outside our lives can sometimes see things we can't see. If you have been abused you are insecure and you can't trust your own judgment. I think that you might need to give your friends and family a break too sometimes, or at least carefully decide who to talk to, and only those that are really listening without judgment. Can you find a good counselor to go to? Do you have insurance or a way to pay? You'll need someone with experience in domestic violence though, maybe even someone that's been there. Yes you can make your own mistakes, but you might exhaust those around you that have tried and tried to "help" you. It's typically to get angry in your circumstances, angry at messengers... I'm just not sure they'll understand though ok? Normal people don't understand this. They just don't. It doesn't make sense. Keep that in mind. Clear your mind, inform yourself about your specific issues and seek some professional help if you can to sort through this. Glad I could help a bit. Believe me I've been there, done that even on this site. You need some time to heal and get space, just check in now and then here. We are your cyberspace friends afterall. Don't be too mad at us, just take all with a grain of salt...