Here's the story:

My husband and I currently attend a church where I'm on the worship team for the youth. One night after worship, the youth pastor passionately praised how I led worship and his words were like LIFE to me. That was a year ago and I have been struggling with an attraction to this man ever since.

I've shared with my husband every interaction I've had with this youth pastor....interactions in which I felt like the youth pastor has flirted with me and my husband STILL doesn't want to leave the church.
Is it bitterness that is keeping him there? Does he secretly want me to fail? Is he testing my love for him?

I've pleaded, wept, urged my husband to change churches but he has adamently refused saying, "This is where God wants us".

Have you told your husband exactly how you feel about the youth pastor? If not, then no wonder he has no desire to leave your current church.

You're definately on the brink of an EA, if not more. For the sake of your marriage, I would suggest you tell your husband everything, and then find a new church.

If the youth pastor has done nothing untoward or improper towards you, then it's probably simplest and best to leave the current church. If he has been reciprocating or, worse, instigating, then his actions need to be brought before the leadership.

Your story really resonated with me. You haven't done anything wrong. Just remember that.

BUT what is most evil looks like it is virtuous. It looks virtuous to obey your husband. It looks virtuous to work with youth in your parish.

From my own experience, I fell in love with a priest and didn't even know it. I was attending weekly breakfast study groups with him leading a discussion of the writings of John Paul II. I had become friendly with him. He had been to my apartment for a dinner party and to my boyfriend's apartment for a dinner party.

As soon as I realized that I was going to the weekly study groups because of my attraction to the priest and not because of my interest in the writings of John Paul II, I knew I had to stop. I went one more week and explained that I had to stop because of travel.

That was seventeen years ago. If this priest ended up as pastor of our church, I would attend a different church.

When you follow the POJA, that means both of you are enthusiastic. You aren't enthusiastic. Your husband cannot drag you to church. Just tell him you aren't going.

A great virtue is humility. If you question your strength in resisting the trap of attraction leading the infidelity, then you are more likely to be faithful. There's nothing wrong with telling your husband that it is all in your head, that you are attracted to this guy and need to get away from him.

It is irrelevant if the youth pastor has the strength of character to resist infidelity or if he is attracted to you. What matters is that you are attracted to him.

I have no idea if the priest was attracted to me -- none at all. It was irrelevant. What was relevant was that I was attracted to him.

RUN!

Cherished

Healingbird & Cherished:

Your responses have been meaningful to me. I have walked the line when it comes to the decision of leaving this church for the following reasons:
1) I don't want to disappoint the youth I minister to on a weekly basis.
2) I have been taught Christian women should "submit" to the authority of their husband and my husband is adament on us staying where we're at.
3) I don't want to go to a church without my husband - I want him next to me.

My husband is FULLY aware of every emotion I have felt toward this youth pastor. I have hidden nothing. I sincerely thought he would've wanted to leave this church months ago. It has frustrated me, confused me, boggled my mind as to why we're still there.

I'm simply praying that God grant me the strength to leave this church - with our without my husband - but this decision will take a lot of strength to do.

Romans 15
"We who are strong ought to put up with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves."

There's nothing wrong with telling your husband that you are weak and do not want to fall into sin. Tell him that you have to be responsible for your own actions, and you don't want to be tempted to sin. You don't want your fidelity to be dependent on this man's character.

If only he knew the devastation of infidelity. He just doesn't know.

If you leave your church, you can simply not go to any church. You can let your husband know that you are willing to try out different churches but that it hurts your relationship with him and with God to spend time with this pastor.

Satan is clever, isn't he? With one choice, you have the positives of submitting to your husband, continuing good work in your parish, and sharing a worship life with your husband. With the other choice, you must disobey your husband and change your mind on the choice of a church for the questionable reason that you have become attracted to a person who is dedicated to church work and therefore unlikely to engage in infidelity.

In my own situation, the priest I have been going to confession to told me, "You're dealing with the other side." I think that's where you are, too. It's agony. You want to do what is virtuous, and that's why the decision is so difficult.

Cherished

Cherished:

Your words have truly blessed me with clarity of mind. Thank you soooo much. You have truly understood the nuances of what I'm facing; the conflict and have helped me clear the emotional mind webs in order for me to see what's most important:
my covenant with my husband, my relationship with God.

Again, I must choose. And may God grant me the courage to choose rightly.

Just when I think I'm "ok" and there's no problem - I'm hit again with another interaction with this youth pastor that spirals me downward. I'm fooling myself if I think I can "handle" it.

This priest told me to select a virtue and pray for it. I realized that what I most needed was courage. It may be that your husband will never know the harm that was averted by your refusing to continue attending the church, but you already know. What is confusing you is the desire to please your husband. I know that feeling all too well.

Protecting yourself from the possibility of one of the greatest sins cannot be wrong. It takes courage and humility to admit weakness. Being tempted to sin is not sin. You haven't been unfaithful yet.

With my very deep attraction to this priest from 17 years ago, I never faulted myself for having taken so long to realize that I had fallen in love with him. Once I realized how I felt, I knew what action to take and took it immediately. Not only was I protecting myself, but also I was showing care towards him. I didn't want him to fall into sin, either.

Cherished

Cherished:

It's interesting because like you, I would've run months ago. I'm a runner. I know how to run. I know how to detach (we moved alot growing up). That's me.
But because my husband has specifically said, "Don't run", I feel bound.
I feel like I would be sinning if I ran.

Again, Cherished: I'm amazed at the wisdom in your responses. I especially liked the passage you shared in Romans 15 - I will share that with my husband.

Courage. That's what I need. Thank you sister!!!!

God bless you!

During the affair, my husband told me he felt "confused". Lots of WSs have reportedly told the BS that they felt "confused". It always amazed me that adultery could lead a person to feel "confused".

You were too wise to fall for that idea. You needed a different hook, and Satan found it: "I feel like I would be sinning if I ran."

Consider the possibility that feeling like it would be a sin to run from sin is Satanic.

Coming from a Catholic tradition, I have found it interesting to note the difference between Catholic and Protestant callers to Harley's radio show. Catholics tend to hang on to marriages even when there is abuse and infidelity. Protestant women tend to obey a husband even in sin. One woman who called the show even allowed a threesome out of obedience to her husband. Your situation is less clear because you are not being asked to sin, only to put yourself in the way of sin.

Romans 13: "The commandments...You shall not commit adultery"...and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this saying {namely) You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Have the courage to admit weakness and the courage to run from sin.

Cherished

Here's another relevant scripture passage:
"Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
Cherished

I agree with the poster that said if he is reciprocating or instigating even in the slightest, it is an absolute MUST that you bring this to your Pastor. Satan is always looking for a way to destroy a church and accusations of adultery or any type of inappropriate behavior after the fact is a sure fire way for him to destroy it. These things need to be dealt with NOW. Every day that goes by the finger hold that satan has will get bigger and bigger.

Secondly, you must obey God, rather than man. And that man includes your husband. If your husband is leading you to sin, or enabling you to sin, your first allegance is to God. He comes first, even before your husband. You can't allow anyone to endanger your relationship with God.

Pastor Steve is correct!!!

Please look at the bottom of my post concerning the roles of husbands and wives!

You only submit as long as he is submitting to the Lord. If he is doing something that is against what God tells you to do, then you do NOT submit.

And you take him to the church. There is a process to that which I will come back and list. But basically, you need to tell your husband that he needs to step up and lead (do this in a respectful manner) or you will need to take this to the pastor.

Your husband is the problem here.

Here is the process:

Mortarman,

After reading your post on the Roles of Husbands and Wives, I am truly humbled that you offered your thoughts about my struggle. Thank you.

In my husband's defense, this is why he's responding the way he's responding:

My history. I've had a history of emotionally attaching myself to the "role" of pastor after they (specifically) praise my singing. Since my love language is Affirmation, words hold power for me. Singing since the age of 6, I faced criticism from my dad about my singing and it created HUGE deficits in me. Going to a counselor, I'm working on that. I'm working on not feeding off praise...it's not mine to taste since all glory goes to God.

My husband has said, "Where will we go where there won't be a pastor? A clergyman? We'll be running all our lives."

My husband is a man of principle and commitment and consistency.

Since we've been married there have only been a handful of times where I felt like he was my "cheerleader" after singing. He's working on that.

But I've hurt him. I haven't respected him. I've abused him. He's not without fault but I acknowledge that I'm responsible for myself first.

We've decided to stay at our church but withdraw from the youth ministry at different levels. I have asked the youth pastor to refrain from praising me.

I think the key to my freedom is knowing my identity in Christ. Letting go of shame-based thinking.