It's been awhile since I last posted, and had to re-register. I am now divorced 5 months and learned 2 months ago that my DH moved in with his girlfriend--the one he had an afair with. I stayed faithful, waiting for him to wake up for a year. He divorced me and is still in denial over why he did this (eg: it was all my fault according to him).

Can't say I want him back right now, but I miss our life together. I miss my step son. NOthing really feels right or good--except my job (thank God for that). Haven't dated, no one interests me as yet. it's just hard to visualize my life alone forever--and yet I can't seem to see myself with anyone else. When I was married, I felt like the light was on, and now I'm in the dark. Don't know what tomorrow will bring, or next year.

Is this normal? Am I having a pity party? I try not to burden my friends with my depression--they are worn out by this too. So I put on a smile and try to make it through the day without crying. Some weeks are easy, some are just plain rough. It got worse when I heard he moved in with her. Any suggestions as to how to get through and over this?

Much appreciate any help.



Married 9 years
Divorced 5 months since 11/06
DDAY--Thanksgiving 2005
One darling step son aged 13

I haven't been allowed to see my stepson either and my soon to be ex seems absolutely thrilled with me gone.

I have been acting like it is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I miss my stepson, but I will not risk jail to see him as she already called the cops on OMW for asking her to stay away from her husband.

I think that's the best advice I've heard so far "act like it's the best thing that could have happened to me". I know that sometimes I have to put my foot out there and just take a step, even if I don't know where to go.

My step son is still in my life--just not anywhere near as much. ONe day......it will change.

Thanks for your feed back.

What your going through many of us have gone through.

For some people, they can move on in their life in a short period of time. For others, the pain of it all lingers on for years.

It is something that will always be with you. It never ever truly goes away. You just can't erase that amount of time in your life.

You can however find things that you enjoy doing, and as time goes on... the hurt will fade, and things will get back to feeling normal again... it will just take some time.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Never let your ex see you down or show ANY signs of weeakness.

They will use it as a weapon aginst you.

Mine thought she was in the catbird's seat until I played the tape of her wanting to have me killed to the Judge.

I haven't been on here in quite some time either- probably almost a year.... I didn't have any children with my ex, but we did have one on the way when we split. He moved in with OW right away (just days after filing), then later tried to come home. Changed his mind AGAIN, and now our divorce has been final almost a year. I thought I was doing great until today I heard that they are having a baby. I am devastated! I didn't expect to be so hurt but I feel all the old feelings rushing back- it is so unfair, how could he do this to me after all he promised me and how happy we seemed, etc. etc..... like no progress has been made at all. So I guess my answer to your question is, I have no idea when the pain ends- hopefully soon. Or maybe it just goes away for a while and then comes back over and over until the time in between the pain gets longer and longer?? I have a feeling that it never goes away completely. I hope I'm wrong about that.

Pain is good. It means that you are feeling, and that you are healing. You are grieving. Grieving is recovery and if you don't grieve, you will never fully heal.

If you truly feel depressed, talk to your doctor. Also, find a good counselor to help you through this. The world has many wonderful things waiting for you. Getting through this is just one of the lessons.

It goes away eventually. It’s only be 18 months since you found out about the A. If you thought you had a good, secure, happy marriage, not only would you have been confronted with the pain of an affair, but also finding out your reality wasn’t the way you thought. That’s a lot to handle.

I do think the pain becomes less and less especially if you start making a life without him. For example, do something you always wanted to do, but he wasn’t interested in. That becomes yours alone. Learn a new skill, volunteer, do something creative.

And be patient. "Getting over it" is a misnomer. It's not something we are completely in control of. We can help the process, but I think mainly life and God pull us up and over the pain. It happens to us, not us happening to it.

Dear Hope,

I am sorry you are hurting. It has only been five months, it is normal to go through what you are going through now.

Here's what I did after divorce. It may help you:

- Look away. The more you look at ex and what he is currently doing, the more you will hurt. It is now time to look at making a new future for you. Redecorate? Learn a new skill? Join a club? Do things that will put you in a new social circle. Make new friends. Learning a new skill will help you set new, small, achievable goals.

- Counselling. Nothing helps more than having someone who will listen and help you professionally.

- Read. I read lots of books in trying to understand infidelity and personalities. Reading about different kinds of personalities and how these personalities handle relationships helped me let go.

- Pray! Seek God in everything you do, and you will see how blessed you are.

All the best,
RN

I am not sure when it ends but it does become less painful over time. I am a long ways from 2 1/2 years ago but I have a ways to go still.

There are no quick fixes, not waking up and finding it was just a bad dream. Recovery from divorce is hard work. Educate yourself in the recovery process, go to therapy, new hobbies, new friends, etc...

This time of your life is an oppurtunity for growth.

Keith

Hoping, remember this: grieving and recovery is a process and no one can say how long it will last. Nor is it something that we can control. We can get other interests in life, but we still have to move thru the process. Take one day at a time, remember to breathe deeply and smile. Yeah, smile. When you appear happy, you frequently buy into it as well.

Hugs.

My STBXW recently told me "It's been 6 months, get over it already" which made absolutely no sense to me. She's the instigator of the separation and divorce and seems to have had no trouble moving right on to dating while I'm still trying to pick up the pieces.

Any tips on how to avoid sneaking that peak at their blog or myspace page? I've got my own stuff I want to do but I just can't seem to stop checking up on her and how she's doing in her new life even though nothing good ever comes from it.

I wish I had an answer for you as well. I know that my pain is still present, but much less than a year ago. My best friend has told me she still is sad over her divorce in 2001. I will probably always feel sadness for the loss of what was and should have been.

I have been hearing so much about forgiveness. How on earth do you forgive? After the pain ebbs? If that is the case, then it can be awhile.... p.s. sorry for pirating your blurb

Loni

There's no magic formula that I am aware of; I still hurt over my divorce, and in fact - I had not posted here in about 5-1/2 years. My XW is still with the 'OM'.

I will say that you should not spare your friends your grief. That is what they are supposed to be there for, after all.

It seems that you miss being a wife and Mother. At this point you are finally able to separate your DH from that a little. That seems significant to me.

Through takes time. Over is a myth.

Waiting- I am curious--Have you moved on? 5 and 1/2 years is a long time. I remarried 3.5 years after my first divorce, 5 months after my 2nd divorce (that was 28 years ago). One never knows where life takes you!

Johoman, were you an OM? (i.e. was your 3rd wife an A from the 2nd M?) I'm just curious how you found someone so quickly.

My Divorce was 10 months ago and I am nowhere near ready to marry again. It still hurts and probably will for a long time yet. The only good thing, is that the pain lessens and shortens over time.

Grief is personal. Some people will never remarry after losing a spouse to death. Others see the marriage as soooo good that they want to live it again and remarry shortly afterwards. Some of my friends haven't chosen to move on to new relationships after their divorces. Their choice, but not mine. I have been dating and I hope to fall in love again someday soon. We will see.

I still think counseling is a great idea since divorce is so traumatic and so much loss is involved. I think it has helped me move through my grief. It's still hard, but easier with someone to listen to you and keep you on track.

Good luck.

Loni

Tabby- No I was not an OM. I met my present wife after being separated from my ex about 2 months. I had no intention of getting married again so soon. So far it has lasted 28 years-right now very rocky. I would never leave some to marry another-"If they cheat on them they will cheat on you" I think is very true. One time I got a dog, he was a stray, and for ten years uniil he died I had to go and find him because he strayed so much.

It was in a small town and I guess the pickings were not so good so my wife snapped me up in a hurry! She will deny it of course.

Not really sure how you are defining moving on. It seems like you are asking me if I am in a relationaship. The answer to that question is no.

Do I still dwell on my marriage? Somewhat - I was married young (19) and divorced after 17.5 years and 4 kids. Its always going to be alot to take in, regardless.

To answer your question in my terms, yes...I've moved on.