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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 89
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 89 |
What do you do if you ask your SO to meet specific ENs and they won't because it doesn't feel natural to them? Specifically, due to events over the last few months, I find myself needing him to tell me more often that he loves me when we talk on the phone. He doesn't want to feel pressured into saying it...he says that he does love me and shouldn't have to prove it by saying it constantly. He has also said that my almost constant need for reassurance is becoming annoying.
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 616
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ask him what he is comfortable with. this might be a wrong answer but here goes, I would not want someone to say it to me because I am "making" them. What does he do in other ways to show you that he loves you? has he proved his change? are you happy with everything else? I am thinking he isn't doing enough to make you feel secure and safe.
Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 253
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I would say that pressuring him into saying 'i love you' to the point of annoyance, is going to backfire on you. There are other issues and events that make you want to hear this, but pressuring him to say it will cause him to mean it less.
Ron
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Joined: Mar 2007
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I don't want to force him to say the words but I do need to feel that he loves me. When we are together he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the universe, but when we are apart..that is when the doubts start.
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 89
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Ron,
I believe you are correct but how else can I get the reassurance that I need?
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Joined: Nov 2006
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You might need to re-evaluate your expectations. Maybe they are too high and are not realistic. Maybe they are higher than he can provide.
After some soul searching, I realized that I was making things worse by pushing to be closer emotionally to my spouse. My spouse does not want to be as close as I had hoped or initially thought. For her a more distant relationship seeems to be more natuaral and comfortable. People are different and have different comfort zones. Finding that zone is part of building a lasting relationship IMO. I have adjusted and lowered my hopes/expectations and it seems to have helped.
How long have you been married ?
notashoped
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Joined: Mar 2007
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We are not married, we live together. I think you are correct, in that I need to adjust my expectations.
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Diana, How are you doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> L.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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What do you do if you ask your SO to meet specific ENs and they won't because it doesn't feel natural to them? Specifically, due to events over the last few months, I find myself needing him to tell me more often that he loves me when we talk on the phone. He doesn't want to feel pressured into saying it...he says that he does love me and shouldn't have to prove it by saying it constantly. He has also said that my almost constant need for reassurance is becoming annoying. diana, if he only wants to do what "comes naturally" and is not willing to meet your needs, then he is what Dr. Harley calls a FREELOADER. He is only along for a free ride as long as he doesn't have to work for it, just until something better comes along. He is not willing to buy the house, in other words. He is not committed to caring for you and wouldn't be a good marriage prospect. A good book for you would "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" by Dr. Willard Harley. You can buy it on this website with fast, cheap shipping.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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We are not married, we live together. I think you are correct, in that I need to adjust my expectations. Here is a pretty good article about the pitfalls of living together: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 47
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Hi Diana49,
It depends on the individual and who is around when they're on the phone. Some men are embarassed to say they love someone with others around that are friends because the friends will start bugging them and making comments about it as a joke. I would guess that he does love you because you want him to tell you he loves you when you're not there with him. He is very lucky to have you and you are lucky to have him.
God bless,
CS
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 89
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Orchid,
I am doing better now. He has started trying harder to meet my needs in an even better way. He has started telling me and showing me how special I am to him. i love him very much.
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Joined: Mar 2007
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Melody,
I read the article that you recommended. I don't agree with it but I will try to keep it in mind. He has started meeting my needs but in his own way. Thank you for your inout.
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Joined: Mar 2007
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I honestly do know that he loves me but on occasion doubts set in. I have been going to counseling and learning more about myself and ways to handle those doubts.
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