Hey, I am new. Please bear with me. I found out 6 weeks ago my hubby was having an affair with my "best friend" who happens to live next door. He has been totally honest with me. The affair is over. We are in counseling. He is definitley in withdrawal. Says he loves me, but isn't in love with me. She will not stop emailing him telling him how miserable she is without him. Hubby and I are committed to trying to make our marriage work out. Is there any way we can with her living next door? We've only been there a couple of years, and this is my dream house. The kids will be devastated if we move again so soon. Can I reasonably expect him to get over the withdrawal with her being so close? Any suggestions?

You can't expect him to get over anything if they're still in contact. That means NO emails...NO conversations, NO meetings between the two...

If she's still emailing, then contact still exists, and he's not going to get over it, nor will your marriage recover. If she keeps emailing, threaten her with a restraining order for stalking (you might not legally be able to get one, but she doesn't have to know that, does she?). Is she married? Does her family, friends, etc... know about the affair?

Tell your H to send her an NC letter...now. And you want to be copied on it. If he's committed to working things out, this is a REQUIREMENT for your marriage to recover.

Start reading up on plan A here...get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" as some good guides on how to get through all of this.

WOW, I'm sorry that you find yourself here...

This is a difficult sitch becuase as long as you all live that close together I don't see how true recovery can begin...

Have you been reading here and do you know about the No Contact letter? How Affiars begin and end?

I'm going to have to ask the pros or someone else to come in on this one...

Has your H made it clear that he wants NO contact with her?

I am SOOO sorry for the pain that you are in...

CM, I am sure sorry you are here. I hate to tell you this but there will be no recovery as long as you are neighbors. He will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal and you will be facing years of an on-again, off again affair that will probably result in a divorce and/or nervous breakdown. Staying there would most likely result in a DIVORCE. Would you be able to keep the house if you had a divorce?

Those are the questions I would ask myself because that is most likely what you are looking at.

is the OW married and does her H know about the affair?

Thanks so much for the compassion. He has told her they can no longer be friends and has asked her to stop contacting him. So far, he hasn't responded to her emails, but he tells me he really wants to. He just said to me that he wants to be able to meet her needs and mine too, which I know isn't possible. He is feeling a LOT of guilt about the affair and the fact he allowed himself to do this. I know he has feeling for her, but I really think it is his guilt and disbelief that he has been so awful that is eating him.

I have suggested to him that he needs to be blunt with her and say she must leave him alone or he will forward her emails to her husband. He, of course, doesn't want to do that because it would cause problems and pain for them (the other couple). He has already had 2 phone coversations with her to say "good-bye" and now he is saying he feels like he needs to do it again to get it off his chest so that he can feel better. He is a definite pleaser--wanting everyone to be happy and like him.

Is this hopeless? I truly do love him.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

You and your husband have to tell this woman's husband and somebody has to move. No getting around it.

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CM,he should never be in contact with her again. I would ask him to write her a no contact letter that is approved by you and DELIVERED BY YOU. He should not be taking any calls and NEVER speak to her again.

Secondly, her husband should have EVERY EMAIL she sends and be apprised of each and every contact. BY YOU. I would stay in daily contact with him for the time being until one of you has moved. With 2 ppl watching from both ends you may be able to keep them apart temporarily.

Here is the letter Dr. Harley recommends sending:

Dr. Harley&#65533;s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she&#65533;s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

No, the affair is causing pain and problems. Telling her H will help stop the affair, the thing that is causing the problem.

And...you should contact OW's husband anyway. He's actually going to be your best resource to help you ensure that the affair IS ended. Not to mention...he also has the RIGHT to know what's going on in his marriage too. If he'd found this out...wouldn't you have preferred that he inform you of it?

Yes, your H will go ballistic about you telling him, yada yada...it's standard practice. But he'll be angry about it because it really is one more step towards permanently ending their chances to continue the affair. It forces them to face REALITY...not fantasy.

You should set up a meeting with OWH and yourself, let him know what's going on...THEN tell your H what you're doing. Do NOT let him or her know that you're going to do this before...because they'll do damage control to try to lie to him. Again...we've seen it before.

Give this some thought...but trust me that it's the BEST thing you can do right now.