Hello everyone, I’ve been reading all of the helpful threads and posts on this board and I’m finally ready to join in the discussions.

Exactly 2 weeks ago, I found out that my H had been having an A for the past 4 months. I discovered the A after looking through our cell phone bills. After seeing the same # come up several times, I looked up the # through people search.

My husband and I got married 13 months ago. When I married him, he was the most loving and romantic person (little gifts, notes, and I love yous everyday). Around 4 months ago, my husband grew very distant. We had just started MC, (something he suggested up and something I wanted to do for a while). We had arguments after buying a condo and working on the house. Anyway, all of a sudden it seems, he was no longer interested in including me in any of his recreational activities. After, 4 months of his distance (physically, emotionally) I started getting suspicious. He had left me a month and a half ago for 2 days. He left me a letter saying he wasn’t happy but called me the next day saying he wanted to come back, that he missed me and that he made a total mistake. I told him to sleep on it to make sure that was what he wanted. On 2nd day, he came back home totally repentant and wanting to make it up to me. I was glad and ready to forgive and rebuild. He withdrew again very quick and seemed to regret his decision to come back but never left again. He talked to me telling me he wanted to leave again twice and we were able to talk and he never left.

During this time, we were continuing to go to MC and felt positive changes happening whenever we’d go. But I also felt like he was conflicted and I didn’t know why. Finally, 2 wks ago, I came home late, he wasn’t there and I looked at the cell phone bill. I confronted him about it. And he admitted that he had been having an A. I exploded hurt, shock, confused, and angry. He explained that the OW had asked him several times to leave but that he couldn’t do. He felt that things were changing due to counseling. OW had asked him for the 3rd and supposedly final time to leave the wkend before and he didn’t so it meant that it was over. They had continued w/ the affair after he left the first time but he couldn’t return to her.

I asked him if he loved her and he said that he did but he wanted to work on our M. I told him he needed to let her go if there was to be any chance to salvage the M. The next day he called her in front of me and said that “he couldn’t do this anymore”. I appreciated that.

We went to the MC and told him about the A, he asked H to commit to M 100% which H agreed to. He said he felt relieved and was hugging me close. Anyway, 2 wks later, he’s trying to reconnect w/ me but it’s been tough. He’s clearly going through “withdrawal” symptoms of OW. He’s also dealing with guilt, depression, and anger.

It’s tough watching him go through his withdrawal but I’m also dealing w/ the hurt. Sometimes, his anger seems to be directed towards me. I know this happens but it’s awful. He seems resentful of me sometimes. He says he’s trying to reconnect but everything seems forced. I’ve been trying to get him to talk and he is talking but it doesn’t come naturally to him. He gets irritated if I keep asking him if he’s OK so I’ve decided to not ask him so much. I’ve tried talking to him calmly and rationally and he gets irritable very quickly. Talking just gets him upset but we need to keep talking. I’m walking on eggshells all the time.

I’m worried b/c I feel like he’s reverting but I see signs of him trying. Today, he seems super irritated and not interested in talking, like he’s sick of talking. I’m don’t want to push but I’m scared that he’s longing to contact OW, if he hasn’t already.

Anyway, I just wanted to hear your thoughts. Any advice would be great.

He started cheating on you within a year of being M'd to you?

How long did you know each other before getting M'd?

Any children involved?

No children. We had been living together for 3 years, dating for 4 before M. We wanted to have kids and had been trying for 2 months.

Hello Click,

I am short on time so I will be blunt. Whether or not you remain in this marriage is your call. If you decide to do so, the people here will help you all they can. I would urge you to read the articles on this site as they will offer you tools to evaluate your marriage and to change your relationship.

Given what you have said I would recommend that YOU NOT continue to try and have children. Under no circumstance should a child be brought into a marriage where the H has started cheating just 9 months into it. No way.

Further, given that there are no children I would like to suggest that you really consider leaving this marriage. This is a marriage builders site, but it is not a marriage at all costs site. Your H does not seem to have the maturity necessary to be a decent, much less a good, husband. You cannot fix him, only he can do that.

Please do the reading here, post and ask lots of questions, but seriously consider that given this very early stage of your marriage out may be the best direction. If after a lot of thought and yes discussions with your H, you want to try and rebuild there are tools here to do this. It will take both of you to do it.

I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL,

Thanks for your candor. We are definitely NOT trying to have kids at this point.

Leaving this marriage is still an option for me and I'm definitely thinking about it. My H and I are not separated but we're in MC and talking. We're in the process of telling each other what our needs are and determining whether or not we can rebuild. If he can't meet my requirements, then I'll just have to move on. I know it'll be tough and painful either way. I know that I have it in me to forgive but I'll need to see sincere and sustained effort from him to feel like it's worth it.

Click,

Sounds like a very wise plan. No matter what you decide the folks here will help you. I fully realize that either decision will require going through some tough times. You can do it, and you can come out of it with a deeper knowledge of relationships and the characteristics you value in yourself and your future mate.

I look forward to reading about your "adventure" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and watching you grow. You will and you will end up very proud not matter what YOU decide for your future.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. I've been good about not blaming myself for his A. I made a list of my needs that he has to absolutely meet in order for me to stay and work on the M. I'm bringing this list to our MC and discussing it then. If he can't meet them or is not willing to work on them w/ me, then I'll have to go.

WH and I have been talking everyday. He's never been a talker but MC has helped him open up. He was always defensive and evasive whenever we talked about relationship issues. A red flag I ignored. This week, we were able to talk w/out anger. He listened and I listened too and thanked him in the end. It seemed to help. I told him that he shouldn't edit what he tells me. That's not being honest and he's underestimating what I can or can't deal with.

Anyway, it's a start.

Hey Click..I was in the same boat you are in about a year ago. My H and I had only been married for 9 months before he had an EA w/ a girl he works with overseas. We are currently separated and are heading for divorce. You might want to see this as a big red flag if he cheated only after 13 months of M. I don't mean to be blunt and harsh but now that I am going thru the process of healing, I can see things so much clearer now. I certainly wish the best for you in whatever you choose to do but just know, that whatever your decision, you will grow, heal and learn from this. I understand your pain, frustration, anger, fear, and despair. I have been there and so have many others here on this site. This site is a wonderful place to be-it really helped me. I did not follow Plan A or B b/c my H is still overseas. He is not w/ the OW anymore but he told me that our M is not a priority and he will not come home. I was willing to work on the M but I cannot and willnot do it alone. So that is where I stand. I hope you have a better outcome and know that you will get thru this. You just have to keep breathing and moving. Some days are better than others and some days you will just want to stay in bed and not even want to see the light of day. But it will pass and you will smile and laugh again. I can promise you that. I wish you all the best and keep posting here. There are some very wise and wonderful people here that will help you. Good luck and best wishes to you.