Hello everyone and thanks for taking the time to read my post!

I have only posted here a couple of times but have read a lot of posts. My thoughts and prayers goes out to everyone here. Several people here seem to be going through a lot right now and boy can I relate to some of your stories!

My marriage started spinning out of control about 7 months ago – but if you ask my wife it has been going on for a lot longer. I am 32 yrs old and my wife is 30. We have been married for 7 years (started dating 13 yrs ago) with no kids.

Around October/November 2006 my wife’s behavior really started to change drastically. She started going out several times a week – developed a new circle of friends (which I have never met) and lost all interest in our marriage, home, and in general our future. I found out about her affair December 2006 (Marry Christmas to me!) and was completely devastated. She denied the affair (and still does) but I have enough proof to know that it happened. That affair ended around late February and her current affair started around March. I have tried to work with her regarding our “issues” and tried to save our marriage. I started going to individual counseling in November and since then have tried to get her to go to marriage counseling with me. She refused to go to counseling and went to individual counseling once. She has put all the pressure on me to save the marriage (which she opening admits) and takes no responsibility. Our sex life has gotten steadily worse and is currently non-existent. She feels this is the root of all our problems but it is much deeper then that (especially now). She wants a separation and I told her over and over again that I felt a separation was one step away from a divorce. Well I have changed my attitude and now told her that I will not stop her if she wants a separation. I found out recently that she has been looking for apartments (she doesn’t know that I know) but she has not put down any money yet. I am going out of town soon and I think that is when she is going to make her move. I realize that I can’t stop her or force her to change. I am starting to accept the reality that we are probably going to get a divorce. It was hard for me to accept this fact but I am starting to plan my life without her. It is hard because I have always done things for other people and this is the first time in my life that I am planning my future for me. Once we get a divorce I am planning on moving to another State (which is something I have always wanted to do). It is hard to look at homes and imagine living there by myself but I am getting a little excited by the opportunity. I do feel EXTREMELY guilty for planning my future but I need to be prepared for the worst.

I do have a couple of questions that I was hoping someone would be able to answer. First, I make significantly more money then my wife (roughly 40K more). She makes good money too but I happen to make more. Even though we don’t have any children I heard that I still might have to pay support because she has become accustom to a certain lifestyle. I don’t necessary mind paying her alimony but feel that because she cheated on me (but she has never admitted too) and she is the one planning on moving out – I shouldn’t have to pay alimony. I am the one trying to save the marriage (going to counseling, reading marriage self help books, willing to change, etc.).

Second question, when should I contact a divorce attorney? I heard that I should wait until she serves me the divorce papers. Again I want her to be comfortable and feel that we should split everything 50/50 but I don’t want to get taken to the cleaners either. I want the judge to see that she is the one pursuing the divorce and not me (which is 100% accurate).

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to read my post and any comments is much appreciated!

Buddy

My thoughts, to the courts, who initiates the divorce doesn't matter. Affairs don't matter. It is just paperwork. The courts want it done.
Lawyers want fees. The create animosity to increase fees.
Do your research on who you might want to hire, but hold off unless you want to file.
You can also try using a mediator/lawyer for an amicable divorce.

Alimony depends on the state. In my state, 10 years appears to be the magic number on whether or not alimony could be paid. If you state allows alimony, given your short marriage and no kids, the state may award her "rehabilitative" alimony, that is, transitional money to get back on her feet. For a short marriage, this would be for a short term and would decrease over time. Example, first year $500/month, 2nd year $400/month, 3rd year $300/month, etc.
You may save money if she files, but it will be no easier.
Keep up with the counseling, it will become very important in the stressful periods.

BuddyO1,

Women have infatuation cycles and sometimes confuse it for being in love with someone else or having fallen out of love with her husband. It's possible that if she understood herself better, she might decide not to leave. See http://www.womensinfidelity.com

Some of the articles on this site (MB) have info on infidelity and what to do in your situation.

Hi Buddy,

I agree that hiring an attorney may not be necessary at this point, but I would suggest taking a good attorney up on the "free consultation." Like yourself, I make more than my wife, and my state is similar to newly's. I found a good attorney and got a free hour to have a good ear chewing. I worked hard to save the marriage, and after my wife hired an attorney, I hired mine.

I understood the basics on alimony and child support after my free consultation. I think you should too.

Giles

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and comments. I did check out “womensinfidelity.com” last night. I am interested in her book and will probably be making a run to my local bookstore tonight. Hopefully my wife will come to her sense and start focusing on our marriage. Even if she does change her ways we still have a long road ahead of us. I like the “free consultation” suggestion – I never even thought about a free consult. I figured there would be a retainer fee up front. I will definitely look into this – thanks!

Buddy

Buddy,

I am so sorry to hear the predicament that you are in, I am facing something sort of similar and had to write you. This is my very first posting ever since I have been facing marital problems, your story touched my heart. I'm sorry I don't know anything about the questions you have, and hope you don't mind that I write you anyway.

My husband and I have been married 5 years and after our sex life suddenly stopped, I got him to be honest about his feelings. He said he doesn't love me anymore. (Happy 30th Birthday to me!) This isn't the first time we've had trouble. He had an emotional affair a couple of years ago, and he begged me to forgive him. We did work it out with some help. I forgave him and thought we were doing okay. I have very high expectations for life, and he is much more laid back, aka: un-motivated couch potato(a very rough summary of the root of our conflicts). Up until 6 months ago we were planning for a family, trying out baby names etc., so this turn of events has me in turmoil. He has been feeling this way since December 06, while I am just learning all of this in the last 8 weeks.

My husband has put the responsibility of saving the marriage on me, which I have taken on, at least as much as one person can do by themselves. I have acknowledged the changes he has expressed I would need to make, and have been implementing them the best I can. The problem is, he seems to have his mind made up to divorce me, no matter what changes are made, and has not offered any of his own changes I have expressed I need.

I feel like he is purposely keeping me at a distance, and tries to pick fights so I will yell or fight back - anything to give him more reason to leave me, or to make me file for the divorce myself. I refuse to do that, and am trying to keep my sanity as my best friend seems to be changing personalities so quickly.

We have always had problems with his lack of honesty to me, so I don't know if there is already another woman or not. He says there isn't but does admit to flirting with a married coworker. Given his behavior I think there must be somebody else who has his attention. He says there isn't, but he denied his last affair several times, and only admit it after he was caught.

Divorce is not an option for me, but I am starting to come to terms with the reality that my husband may go through with it, and I will need to be prepared. He has admitted that he is very concerned about being considered a jerk by friends and family as the one to end our marriage.

I have told him that I will lighten up on the little things, but that loyalty and honesty are two things that I will not compromise on, and I will always expect from him. That is where we are at now. I am waiting to see if he chooses to work on our marriage or if he still wants to leave me.

A large part of my struggle is re-assessing my convictions to stay married to a man who has repeatedly lied to me, and has not always been loyal. As much as divorce is not an option for me, I feel I deserve to be treated better and want nothing more than a partner who loves life and pursues it with as much zest as I do. I have come to terms with the possibility of being single again, and am grateful for a good job so I could be on my own. I have not told my family of our struggles in the hope that we do make it. I guess I am protecting him from their resentment. It all adds up to feeling very alone in my problems, which is why this website has been so helpful. The tools it provides and the chance to network with others who are facing similar issues is helping me be strong.

As to your desire to move to another state, I have to give a shout out to Colorado. I live very close to Denver, and if you love outdoor recreation, this is the place to be!

Best wishes to you,

BlueBlueLagoon