This has absolutely nothing to do with anything here…at least I don't think it does?
H & I have been mostly empty nesters for a few years now. YD left for college in the fall of 2001. She was close enough to come home for holidays and the occasional weekend, and spent all but the past 2 summers at home. And since she was involved in theater productions, we would also visit at least a couple of times a year to see whatever play she was working on. Last fall she moved home to student teach in order to complete her 2nd degree, which is in education. As soon as she finished school, she was living with us and substitute teaching while looking for a more permanent job.
A couple of months ago, she was offered a seasonal job starting next week as a supervisor in a prestigious company in Utah (we’re in Minnesota). She left this morning.
I have been weepy and depressed for several weeks in anticipation of this move. Last summer she worked in New Mexico, so it’s not like it’s the first time she has been away that far or for that long. And I was never a clingy mom – I didn’t cry when my kids started kindergarten, and I remember telling OD the day we moved her into her dorm room, “This is what we spent the past 18 years getting you ready for.”
So I have been trying to figure out why this time has thrown me so much. So far I have come up with 2 reasons. The first has to do with my identity as a mom. As long as I still had a child in college, I was fulfilling my “mom” role. Now my kids are both out on their own. I no longer have a “child”, I have adults.
The other is harder to explain, even to myself. It was really nice to have the house to ourselves while H & I went through recovery from his A. Now it’s kind of scary, and I don’t even know why. Maybe because for the first time I am really, truly free – free to stay or leave. Of course I always had that option, but now it wouldn’t affect anyone on a daily basis except me. I went through a string of setbacks during recovery when I felt like I always had one foot out the door. That is a terrible way to live, and I made a conscious choice to never put myself in that position again. Maybe that’s the scary part for me – I know I could slide into that again much easier. Like whenever any resentment or entitlement feelings come up. I could act like an adolescent and not like an adult, because I don’t have to own up to anyone in my own house anymore.
Sorry for this terrible rambling, but I am trying to figure this out. This place has been a great support for me in the past, so I find myself back here even though this seems completely frivolous compared to the terrible pain felt by others here.
Anyone have a little sympathy to spare today?
