IMHO, there are times on this site where I feel that people wait way too long to cut ties with their WP. While I think some have the mental make up to do an effective plan B for a length of time, I think others really never allow themselves to let go and get to such a dark place when things do not turn out as they hoped.
I think a dose of reality needs to be given to some BS's. While there is a hope that every WS will make it home, that is not the reality. Some, if not most, will not make it back. That doesn't mean not to try and make things work... it just means to protect yourself for what COULD be a major disappointment. Any spouse that stays away for a long time and is making choices to be with someone else is a longshot to come home. It happens...yes indeed it does... and we should be grateful for those victories.... but don't go into this blind thinking that "if I just work the plan my WS will come home." If you work this plan you have a chance of recovering your marriage and the tools to deal with the infidelity during the recovery.
Please people, take care to not build up others hopes too high.... let's use a common sense approach and know the pepole we are advising... some just do not have the strength to hold out as long as others. Dr. Harley recognizes the differences in peoples personalities and abilities to handle this stress...I think sometimes we are afraid to communicate doubt as to not be perceived as negative.

Just some thoughts...

MEDC

MEDC, as you stated, Dr. Harley recognizes the point that you make here, hence Plan B. Plan B is designed for the BS to withdraw from the WS so that if the marriage does end, they are in a better mental place to deal with it.

Unfortunately, that withdrawal sometimes does not take place when the BS stays focused on the absent WS rather than rebuilding their own life. Plan B is intended to relieve the stress, not add to it.

In various emails from Dr. Harley:

"You don't have to do a thing in Plan B. You certainly don't have to divorce your husband. But be sure to consult with a divorce attorney to understand your rights and risks. You should try to live your life as if your husband doesn't exist."

"In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B.

If your husband goes through with his plan to divorce you, he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. But you will be far less impacted by the emotional fallout if you are in plan B at the time. "

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

another excerpt:

"Granted, plan B doesn't always work. It doesn't always lead to reconciliation. Even after an affair is over, an unfaithful spouse can continue in his or her selfish ways, and the marriage never does have the opportunity to get on track. But at least it offers partial protection of your emotional reactions for the possibility that some day he will earnestly try to reconcile. And even if he never tries, you will be in a much better place, emotionally and physically, if you have defensive barriers in place to protect yourself from the some of the damage he could have inflicted on you.

Give him two years of plan B, and then let go. By then, there will be little hope for reconciliation."

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

It's a good point. My H was wayward, but not in an A - he was wayward with other behaviors.

I tried all that I could to save the M. Plan A insofar as making myself a better person, thus more attractive to him.

I couldn't do a total plan B as we own a business together, but I moved on with life and business was business.

I ended up divorcing him - not because that's what I wanted, but because that was the only way I could protect my children's interests as well as my own. Right before we went to court I sent him a letter explaining that while this was NOT what I wanted, it was what I needed to do in order to survive, and not be dragged down with the things he was doing.

He's not a stupid man - but he has done some stupid things.

I've made some bad choices too. I own some of the LBs that eroded the marriage in the first place, and I've owned them, improved myself, learned from my mistakes, and I am a lot further ahead than he is just at this moment.

I've hoped and prayed that he'd have an "Aha!" moment, wake up and realize what he'd lost - sometimes I think he has realized that, sometimes I think he never will.

Either way - my door is still open, post-divorce, to a genuine reconciliation should he want to try it. However, while I'm sort of working a subtle Plan A again with a 180 (he's almost out of a relationship now - too soon to be too forward with him..) I'm fine on my own, with my children and I'm still working on myself and moving on with life.

It's hard - it's hard to see someone you love make bad choices and it's frustrating when you just wish they'd open their eyes - but as the original poster observed - sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

In my situation, it's in God's hands. I'm praying for guidance on what God wants of me, and trying to just keep on doing what I've been doing and growing and moving forward, and if it's His will that XH's choices lead to lessons learned and *maybe* things work out - so be it. If not, I'm counting on faith to show me what my path is.

JinGA