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#1868938 05/02/07 01:33 AM
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I've learned in the past few months that I am guilty of being a person with such low self-esteem that I am guilty of bringing in men that bring it around to a true sense.
Anyone that has read any of my last few posts know enough to know what I am going through.
Right now I am chewing the top of a pen because I feel like a failure at even expressing what I'm trying to convey.
I have sworn off men until I can bring myself around to a healthy level. I'm "sick and tired of being sick and tired". I just haven't figured out what I need to do in a new relationship to keep it from happening again.
I have learned that there are no people that do not have issues to deal with, but I am not ready to start a relationship with a man that is not willing to recognize his own inadequacies and work on them to make a relationship work. Men are RARELY willing to admit that they have them (at least where I come from). Do you really ever find a man that says, "this is where I fall short, but I'm willing to work on it if you are" ? To me it seems that men have to take the upper-hand and downgrade a woman in spite of all the efforts made to make a relationshp as good as he wants.
There has to be something wrong with me. I do try to live by the BIBLE as much as possible, but others can distort it to suite their own preferences. I know I'm in a fog of getting rid of a person that was abusing and controlling, but I swear it FEELS like that is the way men are.
Please forgive you guys out there that do believe in Harley's way ( they are the ways of the BIBLE) but are there actually any men out there that are SINGLE that do try to follow it???? My x's all rebuke his ways. They will not take his advise. Is there an encouraging word from a man out there that is in the same boat??
(Sorry for my rambling)
RMW

RMW #1868939 05/02/07 09:12 AM
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I knew I wanted to stay married to my husband even though we were having such difficulties when he brought home Harley's Lovebusters book and instead of telling me where I was falling short, he asked, "Which lovebuster do I do that makes the biggest withdrawl?"

As long as he's working on him, I'm sticking with him and working on me.

There are men out there like this. He's not the only one!


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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RMW,

I am guilty, too. I remember while I was talking to my sister about the failing marriage, she said something to make me feel better (for the hundredth time). And I said "I don't deserve you." As I started to well up, I asked myself, "what did I ever do to deserve such a great sister?" She straightened me out.

I am in a better place, in part (and like you), I have seen and accepted that my self esteem is not where it should be. I am taking steps at improving it, and I do feel a lot better. Sure, there's a setback or two.

So, I'm a guy. I've read the Bible cover to cover. I've read most everything on this site. I anticipate being single soon. And I anticipate using what I've learned here in the next relationship. A word of warning, I wouldn't tell a woman, "here are my serious inadequacies" early in a relationship, but I understand that good relationships take a lot of effort and, yes, I would be radically honest with her if the relationship were serious.

I don't think all men are abusing and controlling. I'm certainly not, and my friends aren't either. I think that people who insist on "downgrading" others have their own self-esteem problems. Nothing positive to say about themselves, so they try to put someone else on a lower level.

RMW, I don't know you, but I'd bet you have some great qualities. Why not focus on those for now? There are good guys out there, and you will use what you've learned here and elsewhere to find them.

Giles


BH(Me) and WW - 40-ish two children D-Day - March, 2002 Separated - August, 2006 my story
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Thanks Giles,

Right now that is basically what I'm trying to do. I'm going back to school so that I don't have to struggle where money is concerned (that way it's fine if I end up being single 'til I die). Thankfully I only have two semesters, state tests and licensing left to go.
Next time I'm in my IC (May 7) I'll ask her to help me see what my 'qualities' are. I've never really had any positives growing up, my grades in school were the only thing I had going for me that I knew of (eg. honor roll and clubs in high school and Dean's and President's list in college). I have learned that for some reason people do like to talk to me when I go out to the local bar. Most of them fuss at me when I skip out on karaoke for a few weeks, and I get lots of guys come up to me and try to hit on me. They all like the way I look. (Even had one try to get me to let them be my 'sugardaddy' - told him I wasn't that kind of woman)
I have finally started realizing that my worth comes from God, not from what I do or fail to do at any given point. That is a tough one when what you managed to accomplish is the only thing that ever brought you any feeling of worth your whole life. But with my IC it's starting to sink in. Big thing with her though is she doesn't focus on what is or isn't going right; she asks how things have been going, gives you a chance to talk for about 10 min. which is about all it takes to bring up anything worth talking about, and then she takes what you've gone over with her and decides on a focus for the hypnosis. (If anyone had told me a year ago that hypnosis could help, I would have laughed in their face - not anymore)
Wish I had a sister like yours. I've tried to get close to my family many times - they won't let you in. And with all that I've learned in psychology over the past several years I can see how it just gets handed down from generation to generation. All I can say is "Thank You Lord" that he used me to start breaking the chains in my family. My daughter and I had a wonderful day yesterday. We spent the whole day together, and did just about anything that good friends bother to do together. She shared things (opened up to me) about things that made me feel soooo good. I could never imagine being able to talk to my mother like that. I cried last night and thanked God that our relationship is growing. She's my baby, but she's grown and out on her own.
Oh gosh, listen at me, I'm just rambling spilling my guts on everything.
Thanks again for your support. It's nice to hear positive words coming from a guy.

RMW

RMW #1868942 05/14/07 05:52 AM
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Oh dear, RMW, I'm not a guy but I certainly understand your predicament!
Quote:

I have sworn off men until I can bring myself around to a healthy level. ... I just haven't figured out what I need to do in a new relationship to keep it from happening again.
I have learned ....



Me too! SIX years so far, but I swear I'm much saner now and one of the reasons I joined your lovely forum is to re-habituate myself with the whole Relationship thing.

I have a theory that, once you start taking your therapy on board, your unconscious mind puts a damper on your 'availability signals' until it trusts you (you trust yourself) to attract nice men instead of needy nutcases. You sound to be well on your way there - good for you!

Good for you, also, to have raised your daughter so well: you've broken your family chain, something many of us can't do (and the reason I'm childless). You have a lot to be proud of

Btw, it frequently happens that, once you start understanding your self and why you are so, answers appear out of the blue & most unexpectedly. Your birth family may surprise you yet!

Good luck
EW

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Well, I finally made it through school and graduated (with honors)!!!! Now comes that BIG test -- NCETMB exam. Still have some studying to do on that one. I've taken some free online mini exams and found out that there are some aspects that we were not taught on that I will be tested on. At least I know my weak spots and can focus on them, keeping other things fresh.

As for relationships, I just ended the first one I've had since this time last year. Though he wasn't as bad as my ex-fiance, he had some things I wasn't willing to put up with. The first beg neg. was when he invited me to go to Peurto Rico with him, and when I accepted - suddenly he had to call his kids first. Big slammer. If that had been a priority, he should have checked with them first. We finally got partially past that, but then he stopped asking me out and just decided to come over when he wanted. Nope. If a man can't ask me out at least once a month in a relationship, then he's already well on his way to being one that doesn't put out much in a relationship. And having him tell me that he's going to do something (repeated instances - and not something I asked him for or pressured him for - they were suprises to me) and then just blows it off, something isn't lining up somewhere.

I'm better off putting all of my energies into my exams and getting everything else where it needs to be without the stresses and hassles of a bad relationship.

Hope all of you guys that have been there for me are having better luck this year too!!
RMW

RMW #2082179 06/30/08 05:31 PM
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RMW,

(Also male) I simply feel for you and pray that God will help you not only discover the foundation for your low self-esteem, but that He will help you be the woman He desires for you to be.
No doubt you have good qualities, you are smart, bright and have a capacity to learn -- if you can learn, you can change with the proper learning tools and your ultimate teacher - God!

For me, The past month has been tough for me as my D approaches and I conduct a self-examination to discover WHO I am all over again. I have been reading a book called "Boundaries" (When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life) by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book was painful for me to read but enlightening.

I consider myself a 'rescuer' and I am trying to come to grips with why do I act this way.

I am not suggesting you read the book, I am just saying this is what I did to help me to start healing from my impending D. I am also praying and reading the Bible more to allow me to focus on God to help me develop into the 'single' person HE desires for me to be.

That's my confession to you as a man! I'll keep you in prayer!


BS(Me) - 47
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D final - Dec 08
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Bluenote,

Thanks for your prayers; I will put you on my prayer list also.

Actually, Boundaries is a good book. I believe one of their best is "Changes That Heal". It helped me more than boundaries did. They have some other good books too. If you'd like, I could tell you about them.

Right now, other than my studies for the national exam, I'm reading "The King's Daughter (Becoming the Woman God Created You to Be)". It's pretty good, but I got a lot more out of Cloud & Townsend's books. I think my next choice is going to be "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends". I don't know the writer's, but I'm willing to give them a shot.

Right now I just need something to take away that lonesome feeling of facing the world alone. I have friends and just yesterday got invited to a cookout on the 6th at one of their houses. I do look forward to that, but it's not the same. My friend is a guy, we've been friends for about 3yrs and have seen each other go through some pretty rough times. There is no feeling between us other than friends, but at least he is an encourager (probably because of his own needs) for me, and I am also for him. I just have to learn to get back into the swing of things and learn to build a life that I'm happy with alone. Which is a BIG assignment for me. I have seperation anxiety, which makes it hard to date (at least with what I've been through and fear happening again) but it also makes it hard "not" to date.

It's pretty hard to focus on much right now - I have so many responsibilities resting on my shoulders until I have to make out a list just to keep from letting them totally overwhelm me! But I did make it for over a year without dating while I had school to attend and plenty of studying to do. Maybe once I get my certification and get into a steady job it'll make things a little easier. I'll have to be at work all week, plus I'll be working with (on) people. Communication with them and having a position to serve others will help give me a direction until I'm ready for another relationship.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you; Cloud and Townsend have a website. I've communicated with them a couple of times, but not recently. Every so often they send me an email from the site. Unfortunately I'm on dial up and their emails are generally video so I don't get to listen to them. But you might enjoy going to their site and going over all they have on there. I can't remember exactly what the name of the site is, but I can try to go back to my email and hunt down (or wait for the next one) the address, if you like.

Got to go for now. Have to call Montgomery about that exam!

Again - Tnanks!
RMW

RMW #2082561 07/01/08 09:32 AM
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 Quote:
Is there an encouraging word from a man out there that is in the same boat??


Trust me...there are a lot of mutant women out there too. I have several men friends that feel exactly the same about women as you do men.

Keep your head up.

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All,

Been almost 2 yrs since being on this site. As time has progressed, my (uncontested) divorced became final in Dec 2008 with me having 80% custody of my 3 kids (now 14S, 13D, 8D).

WW rented home around the corner from me and even moved OM in with her. I did get angry at her for modeling this lifestyle before my kids. I did assure my kids that A would not last given it was not built on honesty!

In my D, I gave my ex-spouse $90K in cash (which is dwindling daily), AND after watching her 2 yr SF-filled A go down the drain with the OM, she now comes by my place today and asks if there is any possibility for us to get back together! I said that's tough for me and something I would have to think about.

I feel much more at peace now with her gone than around. I did, however, express to her that I forgave her for her A.

I just do not feel the need to reconcile with her. I feel okay without her, other than the occasional help with the kids. Why then would I feel (dare I say) guilty ?

Can someone offer me a word of wisdom to make sense of this.

Last edited by Bluenote; 06/28/10 11:38 PM.

BS(Me) - 47
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D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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In a nutshell:

BS(Me) - 47
ex-S - 44
D final, Dec 2008
Kids - 14s, 13d, 8d


BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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I once heard the quote that wanting an ex back is akin to taking your rotten vegetables out of the garbage to see if they taste any better than when they were thrown in the garbage. Pretty good analogy.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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KayCstamper,

I luv the analogy and it hit home.

I do not want to put rotten food in my mouth!

Rewconciliation for me now means being able to communicate and take care of the kids.

Thanks for your response!


BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d

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