I don't think I'm handling this well at all. I just admitted to checking phone logs and I'm not sure the dynamic is right here.

1. I just told her I was unconvinced she had broken off contact as I wasn't party to the phone conversation where she told the OM that she was going to break it. (Didn't know about letters then). She thought that surrendering the mobile phone she used to contact him was sufficient evidence of her intent. She said some time ago that he didn't have her other mobile number. I pointed out that is rubbish as I admitted to checking the call logs. As far as i can see she only sent him a couple of SMS messages a couple of days after it all came out and before she promised me she had broken off contact.

She now feels angry that I'm checking up on her. She says she understands why but still doesn't like it and is now talking about giving up her mobile altogether. She says she now realises that loss of her privacy is a price she has to pay but you can see she really is upset.

I'm not sure what I've really gained by all this. She could easily continue contact without me knowing if she wanted. I could think of loads of ways to achieve it if I wanted to be duplicitous.

2. She says my past behaviour has extinguished her feelings for me but says she needs to go through the counselling process to work out if we can save our marriage as she has so many years invested in it. It feels to me that she is merely seeking confirmation that things can't change, almost as if she expects it to fail and can salve her conscience afterwards by saying well at least I tried. She seems earnest when she says that contact with the OM would completely undermine these efforts and she needs this not to happen as much as I do.

I feel like I'm compounding mistakes one on top of the other. I feel like I'm driving her away instead of bringing her closer by following the advice of being honest.

Have I made a mistake by admitting all this? If so what should I do to recover?

My personal feeling is that if honesty is causing issues within your marriage, then there are other things going on that is causing problems within your marriage.

A marriage must be built on honesty. If your marriage gets better without honesty, then your marriage isn't getting better at all. It is simply being rebuilt on a crumbling foundation that will soon fall again. It may take a while, but it will fall again guaranteed.

The only reason I can think of that would cause honesty to drive someone away is if they have something to hide in the first place. If I have nothing to hide, then I don't mind being honest. However if I'm lying about something, you better believe I'll probably run the other direction to avoid having to admit the truth.

I'm not really familiar with your situation so please take this with a grain of salt, but I wouldn't think that being honest would ever be a mistake.

MW,

Do you and your W know the difference between privacy and secrecy? You looking at her phone log is NOT invading her privacy, because what she was and may well still be doing is keeping secrets from you. She is NOT entitled to keep secrets.

Privacy is getting dressed with the door shut.
Secrecy is shutting the door to talk with ones affair partner. Since she has kept secrets, you have the right to open the door.

Think about it. It doesn't seem to me you have messed up. It is just that the WS often doesn't want to face what they have done and the consequences. And if they are still doing it, they really don't want to face the consequences or there would not be any secrets would there?

Hang in there. It takes time to work it all out. How are you doing meeting her needs?

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. Useful perspective.


Great question.

Bear in mind that she isn't going to be completing a questionnaire any time soon. The notion of using a book is too mechanical and scientific for her. So I don't have a prioritised list.

The counsellor asked us to describe resentments we may have. After this session she began to describe my past behaviour that made her susceptible to an affair. These were all about me not meeting her emotional needs. So I have some idea of what is required.

The trouble is that by reviewing all those, she has become angry about it all. She has withdrawn from me and we are both feeling some pretty intense emotion. Our relationship is so tense and strained that it is difficult for me to behave in the right way. She is not really receptive to the opposite of the behaviour that she said drove her away. It's like the chicken and the egg. Intimacy is necessary for me to fulfil the ENs but you can't get intimacy without fulfilling the ENs.

mindwarped - I'm in a similar situation...

recently discovered W is in an EA w a young, single guy.

My wife is not interested in reading anything, not interested in discussing any of the possible ways to identify 'our' issues - and is keeping this as 'her' issue.

Pls let me know how you're working towards keeping her engaged in the repair process!

Hi MW,

The investigative things are to find out if the A is continuing or ending. There is no control over what the WS will do in an A unless the WS yeilds control, so giving out results of investigations can only have one useful consequence: admission of doing a wrong, then feeling guilty over it. The WS can still feel guilt, but it's easy to sweep under the rug if the BS doesn't know. Sometimes it's enough to only mention tidbits of information to let the WS know, you know it's still going on.

If snooping around shows an ongoing A, you won't get anywhere with anger or demands, trust me, I know. All those do is make a WS feel you deserve what she's doing. If you tell her you don't trust her, she can also start to feel that if she's going to be blamed for it and she hasn't, she might as well, what's it matter if it's one more time and she's already blamed for it?

The Harley's books can help out in understanding all the things a WS will do and how to bring back the love between you and the WS. Read the books quickly, take notes and try to keep your head clear while talking with the WS. She will send you some very confused messages where you'll feel you have no idea if it will work out or not. If you do the right things, you have a good chance of guiding the marriage back to where you want it to be. She has no idea where she wants it to be until the OM is out of the picture. You can have a big influence on getting him out of the picture. You both have "love banks" and need to fill them up with love. There are "love busters" that can destroy the love you're trying to build up. Anger and demands are two of the big ones to avoid. Filling her ENs can go a long way towards getting her back as your W rather than WS. Read the Harley's books and think about what is said in them. Good luck.

God bless,
CS

MW,

I think it's great your counselor brought up resentments...would you consider doing a resentment timeline for yourself? I ask because when you focus on her feelings...and feeling levels...then you feel reactive. To break yourself of that habit...which is you looking for any tiny improvement, some signal or indication she's changing...totally oversteps your own changes, which is where your focus has the most impact on your marriage.

Writing out a resentment timeline, doing it chronologically, going from when you first met throughout your marriage...when you felt resentment...and writing them down...will help you keep your focus on your power and choices. Was a great, eye-opening experience for me.

Maybe that will aid you in not looking to her for hope...and direct you to finding it within you...which frees you to act to meet ENs, not based on HER stuff...fully on your own choice to act on YOUR love...which will give you loving feelings, when her A seems to drain all of them.

We're in your corner, MW. You can do this. I believe in you.

LA

Thanks for responding CS.


I just don't know if she is sustaining no contact or not. She provides repeated assurance that she is having no contact whatsoever and there is nothing in any phone log to indicate otherwise. She also admits to having the feelings described in Harley's books about the WS really missing the lover. I've been deceived so badly that I find it difficult to trust and believe the assurances.


I haven't displayed any anger toward her since I decided I wanted to try and save our relationship. Nor have I told her directly that I don't trust her - although admission of checking logs obviously indicates that I don't.


I think I'm putting into practice what the books and this site suggests. I'm certainly keeping a clear head when I talk wit her.


Isn't that the truth!!


I think that I'm doing the right things and she acknowledges that she can see I'm trying really hard. However her feelings for the 'lost' lover seem to be overwhelming everything else. I'd love to know what more I could do to accelerate his departure from her mind. Any tips?