Hello - random question of the day.

I have been going to therapy for the last few weeks and have come to realize that I was not the most supportive husband on earth. In fact, if two husbands were in my cubicle right now, I would pretty much guarantee I would be the least supportive of the two.

I have written a heartfelt letter of apology for my past behavior (I say past because I cannot return to those ways - as part of Plan A I have changed for myself, not the marriage, so if it does not work then at least my next relationship will not burdened with my bad behaviors).

Currently my WW is still in contact with OM - found out she texted him again on Monday. I am OBVIOUSLY not going to give her this letter now - it would only support her argument for why she cheated.

At what point in the recovery process would it be ok to give her the letter? I really want her to have it as she likes when I write out my thoughts and I think she will really appreciate it. But I do not want to give it to her too early.

So when do you think the best time would be?

Thanks!

Nowwhat74

After you are in recovery. WW has agreed to no contact with OM and you are both actively working on your marriage.

Not until you are in marriage counseling. Nothing will be heard right now until the affair is over and NC established permanently. She will simply use it to justify and tell her friends and family .."see, I told you Nowwhat was a terrible husband and this left me needing someone so I cheated with my soulmate"

Don't do it.

NW,

""So when do you think the best time would be?""

Sometime in early 2009, if at all.

Nowwhat74
These may indeed be your heartfelt feelings, but you must understand, that you are NOT resposible for your W's A. That was her coice to make and she did it without your knowledge or consent!!

There were other ways to work out your diferences and trouble in your M. She CHOSE the worst of all possible options.

You are 50% responsible to making your M vunerable to an A, but she is 100% resposnsible for choosing to have and A rather than all other options available.

Burn the letter and work these issues out one by one and face to face.
JMVHO

All Blessings,
Jerry

Hi Nowwhat74,

I'm going to buck the trend and say to lay your cards on the table as soon as possible. During plan A, she's continuously re-evaluating both relationships. Each day that passes, if she has resentment and you don't address it, or you're angry, or silent, when she needs love, then she's not getting filled up with the love from you she needs, and that's the entire point of plan A. Sooner or later she'll realize the OM is a jerk, and she'll realize it sooner if she sees you fulfilling her ENs better, right away. Others will claim that this is enabling her to continue the affair, but look at the reasons she had it in the first place. You'll find that if she's still missing what she needs, the A will continue, won't it?

In my case so far, the WS has responded well to openness and love, and didn't respond well at all to the initial shock, anger about it, demands to try to curb it, or not admitting any fault in it occurring. Yes, a lot of it was her decision and it was the wrong decision. But I'm not blameless either. Admitting my faults, and giving her love seems to have had a big effect on her. Telling her how much it hurts and to not do it again, rather than anger or demands, has gone a long way to having the W back rather than the WS. The WS attitude still shows up occasionally, but only breifly because I'm not responding to her in ways that enabled the WS to feel justified to continue an A and she seems to revert back to the W when she sees I'm not responding like I used to.

Everyone is different, BS's and WS's, do what you think would work best. Try things, see what works best for you.

God bless,
CS