Hi

My B/F age 52 has a history of lying to me and a couple of cases of infidelity and very poor judgment. Which has caused a great deal of mistrust. Granted he has come a long way and I commend his efforts, however we still have hills to climb. So with the background in place here is my delima.

He said he was going riding (motorcycle) for a couple of hours. He left at 10am. He called at 2 pm said he and his riding buddy was going to get some lunch. Ok, hmmm he said he was riding for only a couple of hours so it is now 4 hours, he is 2 hours drive from home making it a 6 hr trip. Ok, not to panic, I didn't ask about the couple of hours turning into a few hours. He called back at 3pm said they were still eating but would be riding on home which now would be 7 hr outing. I called at 5 and he said they decided to stop by a friends house. Now I am questioning how a couple of hours turned into 10 hours. Ok, sounds picky doesn't it, but he has gotten himself in a pattern of not returning on these bike adventures when he says he will. When he rides off with his buds he has never, not once been home when he says. Always an excuse. He tells me that he shouldn't have to be home when he is riding. I said fine, but don't set the time if you don't want be home by it.

The point to this is that I feel if you tell someone you are going to do something or be somewhere you need to fill that obligation unless there is an emergency. He says why should he come home when its a great day for a ride and he is enjoying it and all he is going to do is sit home with me. I said nothing is wrong with the ride itself but when you make an obligation to the other person you need to make sure you do what you say you are going to do. I told him that he wanted the freedom to ride but in return just be dependable to be back at the time you said you would be. When a couple of hours turns into 10 hours I feel that he acted selfishly and disregards his prior comittment to me. I would understand if this is just a one time thing, but its not.

Trusting to me is fullfilling/ following thru with which you have said. He states that I am a Control freak. If I am, I just can't see it. All I ask of anyone is do what you said you will do. If someone continues to be habitual about not doing what they say, then they set themselves up that they can't be trusted.

It sounds like, not that you are a control freak, but more like you are not getting your emotional need for recreational companionship met. That is a valid need, and if you need it, you will feel frustrated at his leaving for "2 hours" without you only to have that turn into all day. He is committing the Love Buster of Independent Behavior. If he keeps doing this, it will be difficult for you to feel loving toward him. He is harming your relationship, does he realize that? My husband has a problem with thinking my "needs" are unreasonable... unless a marriage counselor tells him it is a normal need. (Frustrating!) Is there some way you might get through to him that your requests are not unreasonable? Make sure to not get into any Angry Outbursts or Demands, just talk to him respectfully (and if he's like mine, maybe an outside opinion would help).

Allgood,

Welcome. I have a suggestion for you because your post really resonated with me and what I've experienced in my own life. I hesitate because it sounds rather odd to me, even now--would you consider Al-Anon?

I don't know your age...you state your BF's age, not yours. However, I believe what you are dealing with are issues with control...and I'm not sure why you are pursuing a relationship with a man who has already cheated on you...however, I accept you are and respect your choices are yours.

I had a problem with feeling controlled...and it did turn out I was the one with the problem. I wanted to control others...because I didn't understand boundaries, or where I ended and others began...what they chose to do seemed to always be a reflection of me...and in my marriage, during the worst time of it...when my DH was in an A...I took this advice and went to Al-Anon. I'm forever grateful. I learned what I had control of and what I didn't...and in what I didn't, I learned freedom, real responsibility and authentic love.

Also, my DH acted passive-aggressively (P/A) often...which was agreeing to do something and then doing the opposite. This really helped me to understand that I wasn't crazy in feeling frustrated, second best, run over or lied to...my own choice to expect of my DH that which I knew from experience wasn't a promise, an agreement...was MY choice. My power. What I chose to think, believe, perceive and view...all my choices...and my feelings resulted from my own choices.

Al-Anon really brings us to our core stuff...inside...and I can't emphasize enough how much our own stuff (our perspectives and perceptions) are what gives us this repetitive life experience...until we choose differently. Even choosing different expectations and beliefs...then life changes radically.

Jayne put it to you directly. I really think she shares a lot of the same stuff as we do. You're not alone, bad or wrong...nor is your BF. One phrase which helped me see differently was...

Strive first to understand, then be understood.

You can change everything by looking within, sitting in your power through owning your limits...and live and love in real freedom. I promise. I'm living it now.

LA