Im new to this. I will have been married for 1 yr in July, everything was ok for a while, then it got really stressful! His disabled mother lived with us, plus I brought 3 kids to the marriage, and his mom started acting like a child on a daily basis to "get to us" basically. He was throwing these "fits" where he would throw things and stuff, I ended up losing my job because of getting called to come home twice. I would try to talk to him and we wouldnt get anywhere, we would just go around in circles. Well, before I got fired from my job, there was a guy there who treated me like a queen. I fell for him, and I left my husband like 2 wks ago and I went straight to the other guy. I have not been able to tell my husband about our affair, I just keep telling him he is just a friend. I love my husband and want to go back, but the one thing he has always said would destroy us is if I had an affair. I love the other man too, but I love my husband more, I dont know what to do.

This is marriagebuilders....

affairs are inspite of feelings terroristic destructive actions...

they bring destruction to the the person having the affair ...the person you are married to...the person you are having an affair with....and most importantly the three innocent children....

Here's the thing...life is full of crap....bad stressful things happen allll the time...

one of the greatest things we as parents can do is NOT do anything that CREATES and or INVITES chaos in to their lives...

the universe will do that itself....

this man who treats you like a queen...is truly a destruction to your soul....

you can not value honesty...nor teach honesty to your children when you engage in an affair...

you can not value loyalty nor teach loyalty to your children when you engage in an affair...

children...need grownups to be grownups..
too create safe environments for them in the home...not run around causing great pain and confusion for them....

where are the children...

being forced to live with this man a stranger to them..
to once again...
be the victims of a parent dragging them man to man....

all in the name of your happiness...

it's so so sad....

you are teaching your children that whenever a man in your life makes you unhappy or dissastisfied....

you simply leave and replace them...

you will haunt their dreams that if and when you displease them...
you leave and replace them..
becaue those are your actions....

you will teach them legacys of never valueing marriage as a covenant....

and that their happiness like their mothers is the most important...

you will teach your sons that they don't matter and are replacable...

you will teach your daughters to seek well in to their adult hood....
finding a man that is like their father-figures...and trying to please them...so they will not AGAIN be abandoned.....

you stand at a great crossroad..

one of chaos and pain....
and one of becoming an authentic person...living and sharing the light of love and God himself...

I implore you
I beg of you...

stop your participation in this chaos....
this path of great destruction and confusion...

what does your HUSBAND say about this.....

will you move home...
and restore what you have destroyed...

MIL issues
communication are all fixable.....
if and when worked on with good faith in fixing them....

THIS chaos
THIS path you are on...

in only one of destruction of many many lives....

what is it you don't know what to do....

ARK

I am afraid to tell my husband, because of his inability to control his anger, and the fact that he will not ever be able to forgive me for this. I know what I have done, and how many lives I have torn, but just as I cant teach my children that a man is replaceable, I cant teach them to throw things around (which is what my husband does) when things dont go right.

So, lemme get this straight:

Your BH is taking care of and supporting his disabled mother,

Your BH is taking care of you financially since you lost your job,

Your BH is taking care of your 5 children from prior relationships,

You have been married less than one year,

You leave your husband and run straight to this loser,

You fall in love with this other loser, BUT

You love your BH MORE than the other loser.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE???

Yes, I understand that your BH has anger management issues. He should never throw things, nor physically or emotionally abuse you or your children, BUT what did you and your BH try to do work on the anger management issues before you did all of the above destructive things?

What contributions did YOU make to the state of the M before you decided to betray your husband? I only hear you talking about HIS fits, HIS mother, THE FAMILY'S needs to call you home from work, etc?

LAY,

You tell him and deal with the consequences.

If you are afraid of his anger as in violence then maybe you shouldn't be with him. You should tell him in a safe environment.

If it is angry that you are having an A and he is going to yell and scream then so be it.

There is something we have ll heard here and those are excuses.

There are no excuses for your actions and there are no excuses to not tell your H.

So you need to stop the A. Establish No contact with the OM and tell your H.

Then possibly Marriage Counceling and Individual Counceling.

Finally you are worried about what you are teaching your kids with men being replaceable and throwing things.

Well you know what live your life like an open book. If your kids knew what you were doing what would you be teaching them.

Please don't act like a great concerned mom while you are running around on your H. That is not anything a kid should learn. I would rather my Son throws something then cheat on his wife.

ok I really hate this site................you people are nothing but critical. Yes I HAVE MY FAULTS!!!!!!! YES I GET ANGRY!!!!! I ONLY HAVE 3 KIDS.......just forget I even asked.......I TRYED TO TALK WITH HIM........I TRYED TO BE THERE FOR HIM...........HE WOULDNT LET ME!!!!!!!!!

but you are teaching your children that fathers and men are replacable...

those are core root moral and ethical actions...and have far greater reaching internal damage....

than children and grownups learning together in counseling how to manage stress and anger issues...
so that is something you won't be teaching them....

throwing things are the actions of man not knowing how to be a man and handle stress.....

which can and does change all the time.....

where are your children...with you......or with your husband....

your path is will not fix or address any of your problems..

and will compound them 100000000000000000%

how old are the children...

ARK

LAY,

If you want advice you came to the right place.

If you want guidance you came to the right place.

If you want help we are here.

If you want us to buy what you are selling we won't. It just isn't going to happen.

There is no excuse or justification you could ever thing tho come up with that will get you sympathy for an A. Same thing goes for not telling your H about the A.

You may get advice to get a D but not to continue on in an A and not tell your H.

Nobody here has been judgemental toward you they have just seen what you are saying hundreds of times.

Usually with the same response you just gave.

Your fault right now is you are a Wayward Wife.

Work on that first.

lookafteryou...

this site is allll about trying to get you to do the right thing....

the right thing inspite of your feelings
the right thing inspite of your husbands actions...

the right thing for you and your children.......

no one would expect you to try to talk to him without help in learning how to communicate to each other...

that's not the issue
that's not the way to fix this...

you need help....
you need to be safe...
and your children need to be safe from choices that you make that feed your needs.....

somewhere there is a man you once loved enough to marry...

can he forgive....lord knows people forgive things all the time...

so the answer is we don't know what he can and will/won't forgive....

that shouldn't impact your decision to do what's right for you and your children...

you are much better at this site...then any other place that tells you if it feels good being with your new man...
then you should do it...

it's not really the truth.....

but it's what people want to hear...all the time....

are you also now financially dependant on this new man...

yikes...

you need a plan...

this place has lots of plans...

to help fix you...

ARK

Don't get too upset, lookafteryou!!! I am going through a similar situation. My husband is a stay-home dad, with 3 degrees & refuses to get a job. On top of it, he's a drug user. I had him arrested, after numberous times telling him to quit! All those talks I had with him was my just nagging. He didn't get it! The night I had him arrest, he was under the influence of drug, attempted assult against me in front of our 2 year old daughter, and attempted suicide the same night. The police suggested removing myself & our daughter. Now he wants to fight me with lawyers for abandonment, support, back pay, and take full custody of our daughter. Hang in there.

2,3,5 are the ages of the children. No I havent been teaching them right..........just as I wasnt taught right as a child........I am going to individual counseling, and I think maybe I should just stick to that instead of being on here, because she is not critical, because she knows my background.

OK...so some straight forward advice.

End the affair.

Tell your husband that you'll NOT consider going back to him unless he takes ACTIVE measures to control his anger FIRST. Counseling, whatever...you aren't going to risk your children or yourself around him if he's emotionally and physically abusive.

Tell him about the affair...in a public place, or in a safe situation where you've got the support of someone who can protect you if he gets violent. Have a plan for taking care of your kids if he does get abusive. Don't put yourself at risk, but also realize that its time to confess what you've been doing.

If you're this much at risk, get to a battered women's shelter if you're that afraid of his anger.

Make sense?

what I offer are not criticisms...

they are realities of our actions...

they'd be mine if I were you...and choosing the path you are on....

your mind will work hard to rationalize and justify things away....

you can learn to face and master these stressors so that you are not just running situation to situation...

can't you see if you can state your background as part of a reason for making poor choices....

that you can break the cycle and not pass your legacy you received on to your children...

yep it's hard..scary and overwhelming....

but you can empower and control your life....

ARK

who do you respect?

LAY - I am not trying to scare you away, but you need to recognize your contributions to where your M is now. In your original post, all I saw were things to deflect blame.

I am all for healthy, strong, and honest marriages. And if that is what you truly want, I would love to see you succeed, if only for your children's sake. But, you need to follow the advice given to you before. And sometimes the advice here may be tough love of sorts, to try and get you to face some painful issues.

Cut off all contact with OM, now and forever,

Move home again with your BH and be completely honest about the A, and why you moved out to be with OM.

Answer ALL his questions truthfully regarding any sordid details (no matter guilty they make your feel)

Make your life an open book for your BH to even begin to start to trust you again,

Purchase the book SAA by Dr. Harley, and read it with your BH

Do whatever you can to meet any and all of your BH's emotional needs (ENs)

And stay here on MB so the many experienced people here can help you rebuild a healthy relationship.

LoBoy

Ok, no one has told me to do what makes me happy..............but they aren't just sitting there pointing out all of my faults......I have friends that have been there watching me for months fall.........because he wont listen to me, to him every action of his is somehow my fault...... I am stressed out, and already doubting myself for many reasons....I dont need to be told things I already know. My girlfriends told me to get out a long time ago, cause every day I would have blood shot eyes and just feel completly drained. I have been in a physically abusive relationship before, this one has the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.

real happiness comes from doing good things and living a good life and accomplishing things beyond one's own immediate desires

lookafteryou..

I know you are stressed and hurt...

this is NOT about being your FAULT

this is about getting in control so that you are not emeshed with the OM...and even at this point emeshed with your husband...

this is about getting YOU in control....

there is NO point if aiming for straight on productive communication with your husband right now.....

it probably won't work...

so you need to work on you...
and you need to work on getting out of the affair...

because if you really want to save this marriage...

it can and will be only saved through your actions.....(at this time)

you must live authentically to be taken authentically by him....

do you understand that...

that you can't go with a list of marital problems...his and yours...until you clean up your side of the added mess..

because it will blow up in your face...
he'll have real ammunition to use against you and to blame you for everything....

that's why to save this marriage...and most importantly yourself...

you stop the affair...
you get you and your young children in place where they are safe...

you work on gettting your and their lives in order...

THEN
and only then...

you deal with the marriage and its issues.....

but first you fix you.....

without another man to be used against you
without chaos

what is your plan NOT to save the marriage...
but what is your plan to stop the affair...

ARK

honestly the OM cause my husband has made me loose all respect for him.

girlfriends often do not offer impartial time-proven marriage advice

Dr Harley does