Lets be clear on something. I DID NOT leave my H for the OM. I left because of his fits and the way he speaks to me, I just went to the OM after I decided to leave. I left behinnd my feelings for the OM until I left my H.

how about self respect

are you respectful of adulterors?

lookafter....

can we get to the bigger picture....
I know it's the easiest route to defend...

I get that....

here's what everyone is going to tell you....

if you left because of his fits and the way he speaks to you....

then you should be divorced prior to living with another man...
that you are still married....

that your childre are at greater risk for confusion and pain

you need to time to heal and recover from a marriage in which there were fits and verbal abuse....

that nothing can get solved for you till you process and heal from that...

and that going to live with another man...
just adds more chaos to already chaotic lives....

ARK

No I am not, I have no respect for myself. The only reason I respect the OM is cause he wasnt just after the affair, he was one of my greatest friends. He listens, he understands, and he doesnt make everything my fault.

This is not a permanent living situation, it is temporary until I can get an apt. I know I can not have a realtionship with the OM. I know it wont last.

LAY - emotional abuse is a very destructive and painful issue, and I am sorry that you had to go through that.

I emotionally abused my wife for years, and it took her leaving me and having an A for me to truly wake up to the destruction I caused. Nobody caused me to do it, but when it was going on, I had my own justifications for the way I was acting. But that does not mean that my W was justified for having an A either. She owns her own choices to do that.

We have both ACCEPTED our prior destructive choices in our M and are committed to rebuilding a healthy M now.

THIS is what I was trying to do with my original post to you, bc if you want to reconcile with your BH, you need to accept your responsibility (and he his), and do your own part in the hard work to come.

How has your BH been after you have left. Has he been trying to get you back? Do you think he is truly willing to change his emotionally abusive behaviors and MAINTAIN those changes? I don't want to see you return to an abusive relationship...nobody deserves that. Just like nobody deserves to be betrayed by their spouse.

Oh, and BTW, I used to say to my W that I could never forgive her if she went outside the M, but I have forgiven her, and she has forgiven me.

LoBoy

adults who lack self respect are not going to make happy/healthy marriage partners

Yea hes been trying to get me back........yet still hes throwing fits, threatened to committ suicide, and wrote me and email......and I cant even count the number of the times he used the word "you" in it. Although the "me" word rarely came up.

quit communicating with him right now

there's really no point in it is there....

but focus allll your energies on getting your own place..
AND
terminiating your relationship with the OM

move from chaos to serenity

Everything ark^^ just said is spot on.

Do you have your children living with you and OM right now?

I kinda have to communicate with him cause my cars in his name, and we have a written agreement that once it is paid off he will put it in my name. So until I pay it off I have to communicate with him. only about $1,400 more to go. I am focused on getting my own place and ending it with the OM, and I love my husband, but I dont think he can change.

anyone who is motivated can change

Everything ark^^ just said is spot on.

Do you have your children living with you and OM right now? [/quote]

Yes they r with me......I am trying very hard to get into a place.

bull..

your husband can change..
you can change...
people change all the time...

THANK GOD!!!
people can and do change...it's the greatest thing since sliced bread....

you can't make anyone change.
you can't tell them to
you can't force them to..

but a great great secret is that often the changes we illicit in ourselves...

motivate others to change....

imagine not powerstruggling with your husband...

imagine terminating evey conversation with you when he breaks down to name calling....

he might just learn if he wants to talk to fabulous lookafter...and her kids he darn well better figure out how to talk nicely.....

that's why to fix that...and those things...

you gotta remove yourself from the affair....

cause as long as the affair is ongoing...

it's like a loaded machine gun...that can cause all kinds of emotional pain and fallout for both of you.....

what's his motivation? and why is he still following the same patterns?

Please start with being honest with yourself.

You have reason to justify leaving your emotionally abusive H. But to claim the OM, and your feelings for him had/have no bearing on your decision to leave your M? Honestly, this is a hard pill to swallow.

I've been on both sides of your sitch. Both the emotionally abusive H, and BH as result.

Take a guess when my FWW made the decission to leave me? It is not a matter of coincidence, it's a matter of convenience.

It will influence your decision making.

Yes they can.


He could say the same thing about you betraying him. In your original post, you said that you wanted to go back with your H. Why are you sure that you could change and never betray him again, but you don't think that he could change given the right motivation?

well lets see the motivation would be down the road..

a wife who is NOT ever ever ever going to put up with being yelled at..
have things thrown at...
or any of that kind of crap...

a woman who is strong....independant...
and knows that she will never ever ever go through that crap again....

thats what motivates him

Yes your H can change... I did.... Not to say that he will, but after 15 years of M, and the realization it was going to all come crashing down, I changed my perspective on "What was truly important".

I realized just how "crappy" a H I had been, because up until that point she had allowed it.

Yes he knows I left because of the "fits" but to him they are my fault, I say or do things to make him that way.....and he says I can change, but not unless u r here....I cant put my kids or myself there.