I've been around for a long time, but something happened today that has my hands shaking. In short, my H confessed to a ONS about 9 years ago with our nanny. I found out about it about 3 years ago, when her H called my WH and confronted him. My H told me then what happened. I later talked to her H and compared details. We went to counseling both with Steve Harley and eventually with a good MC in person. I thought our M had improved and told him at the time I wanted "ALL information regarding their contact," because I said I would gone if I found out otherwise. (I know, I know.) He assured me and the counselors that he had provided me that.

Today, her H called again to re-compare notes because they are going through a nasty divorce and he told me several more things I didn't know and my H never told me. In short:

He invited her to lunch several years ago after the ONS and she told her H he tried to kiss her.

My H called her, apparently for support, a few years ago during a time when he was convinced I was cheating on him and to ask her to "look at my swimsuit." Yecch. That makes me sick. I don't know how many times he called her. At the time, I was friends with someone I saw a couple times a year -- I now understand that it was an EA, NO physical contact.

If my H didn't come clean then when he knew how vital it was, I don't believe he EVER will. I feel positive that these new tidbits of information do NOT make up all he hasn't told me.

I told OWH that I would keep an eye out to see if she tries to contact my H. Nothing would surprise me now. What do I do with information now, after all this time? I'm just sick, AGAIN. I've called his office and left a message for him to call me. I'm so hurt.

Help!
Shellybird

I would send him to the curb. He has had his chance to come clean and frankly, if I were you, I would always wonder what else he is hiding... and trust me, it is probably a lot! When you see one mouse, there are others hiding behind the walls.

If you want to stay... insist on two things and see how he reacts.
1. A post nuptual agreement
2. A polygraph exam. My IC likens these to a get out of jail free card for both the BS and the WS. If he is telling the truth, there is NO reason he shouldn't do everything to put your mind at ease. It really is a win-win situation for all concerned.

I am sorry for your pain.

MEDC

Thanks, MEDC.

I hadn't thought of either of these.

He just called me back. I told him I needed him to come and talk to me before our son gets home from school.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Shellybird

To me it is a simple process... you gave him a chance based on trust....he failed... now you need protection and proof against what could be continued lies.
Frankly, if he balked at either of those things, that would be a deal breaker for me. He has NOTHING to lose... and everything to gain... UNLESS and ONLY IF he is lying. If he is... bank on him balking at that suggestion.

MEDC

Stay strong.

shellybird....

what is your marriage like

TODAY

this minute....

is it realistic for a ws to tell you any and everything that he ever said to the OP...

I mean I am not sure that any WS/FWS can disclose every verbal contact they ever had down to

look at my bathing suit....

while to the BS it seems like the end all be all..
are you sure he even would remember saying something as stupid as that...

what is your marriage and relationship like TODAY

they can't change the stupid riduculous crap they said to eachtother...

is the affair truly in the past today...
do you think your husband is cheating TODAY

are you two communicating well


some of that stuff sounds like minutia to me...
that's my opinion...

are you going to divorce him cause three years agao he said look at my bathing suit...

and he didn't tell you that

ARK

I didn't clearly state the context of the bathing suit call. He wanted her to take a look at MY bathing suit because he thought it provided proof that I had been unfaithful. Honestly, it grosses me out.

He had sworn to me that the ONS was THE only incident with her, but the "taking to lunch and trying to kiss" thing is something I really think he purposely withheld.

SO, Ark -- to answer your question, I'm not sure how to react. I know my gut reaction is that I'm sick to my stomach about this.

I spent years believing I was crazy and he let me think that until he was busted 6 years after the fact. The lies, of course, hurt worse than the action.

Our M isn't as strong as I would like or would have thought it should be given the counseling, etc. But our son means the world to us.
thanks-
shellybird

Shelly,

If he is really smooth he will agree to ANYTHING you demand. You won't find out the truth UNTIL he walks into the polygrapher's office.

BTW a post nuptual can NOT be enforced in California so I would check on the legality in your state through a local attorney.

Shelly

I disagree with tossing him to the curb just yet. It is possible that the OW told her H this information to stir up trouble and make her H think your H was still after her. She could have lied. Consider that.

Then again, it is possible that it did happen and your H is lying. In which case, you need to ask yourself if you can live with that. Is your M worth it to you to go through the rebuilding process. If it did happen and he didnt tell you, why? Did he not feel safe telling you because he was afraid of your reaction or is he a generally dishonest person?

Im sorry you are in this situation, you have some tough choices to make

Our M isn't as strong as I would like or would have thought it should be given the counseling, etc.

can you elaborate on this...

and can you figure out a plan...what and how to addresss what's going on today...

ark

My plan was to be calm and ask him to tell me again what physical contacts and attempted contacts he had with this woman or others. I had no planned reaction depending on what he said.

Well, he came home from work at my request and we were able to have a discussion about it without it devolving into an argument, although I was obvsiouly peeved. He said they did have two lunches together, at her instigation with her children present still before I knew that they had had their encounter. He said there was no kissing and no attempt at kissing.

On the swim suit thing, right before I found out about their fling I knew he had talked to several women about his belief that I was having a physical affair and he confirmed that she was one of them. The others included his sister, my best friend, and a friend of his from work, all of whom I knew about. He did not tell me about talking to her for sympathy, although he does see the ridiculous irony in going to his Tramp to be consoled over thinking I'M cheating on him.

He says he doesn't remember NOT telling me, but if he didn't it was because he thinks he was too ashamed and embarrassed because of his crazy behavior about the swim suit. All of these things happened more than about 4 years ago. I told him all of it was cheap and demeaning and embarrassing, so let's get over that part. I needed to KNOW anything and everything he can remember so that nothing else I find out can hurt me or our family again. I told him I could not take new revelations trickling out over the years -- it causes too much of a setback. I told him I intend to stay in periodic touch with her H. He said that was fine. Her H thinks she may try to contact my H again, now that they are having troubles.

I asked him if there was anyone else he's had or attempted to have a physical relationship with, and he said no. I asked him if he'd be willing to take a polygraph and sign a pre-nup, and initially he said he would if I would. I told him I needed him to offer those things unconditionally. He said he would the polygraph, and the post-nupitial as well, although he said he doesn't undertstand what those are and wasn't as comfortable.

Earlier in recovery, he would be very defensive about my asking questions, but this time when he saw how hurt I was -- hurt more than mad for once -- he wasn't defensive and he looked defeated. In our situation, I didn't do a Plan A, because although I was the BS, I didn't want him back. I was completely done. And he didn't want her. He wanted me -- so he was the one who Plan A'd me, but I wasn't happy with his Plan A because I think he tried just hard enough to get things back on an even keel, and I was still so angry.

He then raised the issue of us not being further along in our recovery, and we did make a plan: A re-committment to open and honesty, more time spent together, I agreed to work on my sharp tongue (which I held). He said over the years he's begun to understand that even though he thinks I'm mean sometimes to him, it doesn't mean he still can't be honest with me. And that most of those times, I'm right. I told him I'd try to be nicer when raising hard issues.

He's a bit PA, very much a CA, and I have been very disrepectful since the revelation of his infidelity. It's something I've worked on and am still working on and I've improved. My resentment has been slow to go, my attraction to him has been slow to come back, but we are improving. I am working on letting go of my resentment, and other issues, he is adamant about spending more time together.

All in all, I feel better than I did. I can eat again.
Shellybird

So what r u 2 doing in regards to closure? U both willing to chat with Steve?

L.

the polygraph should cost about 400. BUT... and PLEASE note this... most revelations from a polygraph come either the night before the exam or during the test. Many people will agree to take it hoping they won't actually need to do so.
I am thankful that your H agreed(he agreed sort of which causes a little concern on my part)... and I think this most likely is a good sign. Spend the 400.... it will be money well invested so that you no longer need to worry and can truly put this behind you.
You handled this beautifully. Good job.