Preface this by saying the OW and DH no longer work together. We have had few bumps in the recovery process but all and all things are very good.

Last week DH ran into OW daughter, she works in the organization as well. The daughter told DH that her mom was moving. DH asked how her mother was doing, said he was making polite conversation. He told me about it when he got home. I said oh no, you should have never asked that because daughter will tell OW and OW will think you care.


So now OW has attempted to make contact with DH twice this week. Once by a phone call to his office and she gave a different name. One that she knew he would recognize and think it was her. She left her home phone number but DH did not recognize the number. He did not call her.

Then she sent an e-mail yesterday from a new account she had created and used the same name but left her cell phone number which he recognized. She said she had heard that he had been trying to contact her and she had left a couple of phone messages for him but had not heard from him.

DH just told me today about the phone call and e-mail because we were dicussing exposing to her husband and when would be the right time, since we knew that they were moving. Yesterday DH did not know that she was moving with her husband, I told him that. He acted surprised when I told him, and that is because she had tried to tried to contact him but he had not told me yet.

When the affair was going on with DH, OW and her husband were separated/reconcilling. We did not expose to the husband when the affair was discovered because he has a temper and he could have caused problems with my DH at work. OW and DH no longer work together. OW is back with her husband and they are planning to leave this state and move across country at the end of June. He is leaving in May and she is following later (don't ask me how I know all this). I was going to wait until they were both gone to expose and my DH was okay with that.

Well now she is attempting to make contact with my DH and I want to go to her house and confront her. I want to call/meet with her husband and give all the e-mails to him.
But I want her gone, I don't want the husband to decide to leave her and then she ends up staying here.

DH and I discussed him responding to her latest e-mail. The part of me that wants revenge wants him to send a nasty e-mail along the likes "I told you never to contact me again, you were the worst mistake of my life, etc...". DH want not to respond and he thinks not responding will send the message.
What do ya'll think?

Please talk to me and help me decide what is the best thing to do. I'm so emotional right now and I don't want to react
emotionally.

Would you expose right now or wait until they were gone? [color:"yellow"] [/color]

My goodness BF.

Didn't you just have a thread like this not all that long ago??
(hey forgive me, I don't get on here as much as the older days & there are ALOT of stories to keep straight)

In any case,
the advice is the same .....YOU have to find the courage to get over your Fears and just Do IT!
Nope,
its NEVER fun,
never easy...
usually very Uncomfortable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

But as your learning,
its almost always necessary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Please find a way to stop letting "what if's" paralyze you into InAction.

Hey,
I KNOW its Hard .....but How many times do you permit "reaching out" (by him or her) till you do something?
If it didn't bother you .....then ya, no Point.
But of course it does, as seen by your threads. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'll pray for you to find the strength and resolve. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Brighter,




You blew it big time by not exposing before. Now you are being made to pay the price by your excuse-seeking behavior.

With all due respect , will you do what is necessary or will you rationalize your way out of the emotionally difficult task of exposing PROPERLY?

Thanks for the response.

Yes she did attempt to contact him a little after a month after D-Day and DH did not contact her back.

DH and I have been doing great and after a long time of not asking any questions about the affair I had more questions. At first DH was annoyed, thinking I was not letting go and moving forward. But he comes to realize that the questions are winding down and he is being very patient and loving with me and answering ANYHTING I ask.

I do now have the strength to do this, whereas before I did not. But do you sort of understand my reason for wanting to wait. I want her far away from here as possible.

So how do I expose? Do I send copies of the e-mails to him? Do I call him? How do I do it?

Yes, I'm ready to do this now. Thanks for the harsh words, that is what I need to hear. Yes I have been scared, I have not wanted to deal with it. I felt like then I would be acting out in revenge towards her and I wanted to be "classier" than that. I also thought that if she got back with her husband she would leave my DH alone. She is a piece of work and needs to be exposed for what she is.

I know where she lives and her husband lives there now too.

How do I do this? How do I expose. There are so many ways to do it and I don't know what to choose?

Brighter

It is scary, what you have to do. But you do have to do it.

You said you have the OW's home phone? Call her and speak to the H. Tell him that you had been debating exposing the A but decided he deserved to know after the latest attempt by his W to contact your H.

As far as any repercussions - they are entirely the problem of the OW and her H.

I have the husband's cell phone number as well. I know his work number.

Do I forward the e-mails to him (I know his e-mail acct).

Do I mail copies of the e-mail and he would never know who they came from? The name my DH used on the e-mail account was not his name and there would be no way to trace it to him.

?????????

Do I tell DH that I am exposing now or I do I tell him after I have done it?

I've just been so worried about this husband going bolistic and hurting my husband.

I'm so anxious. I want to expose calmly and rationally and not in a fit. I need someone to tell me what to do, steps a, b, and c!!!!!!

I would expose honestly. Let him know who you are, what happened and in no way protect your H. He has a good deal of responsibility to face up to.

Perhaps call him and tell him who you are, ask him to meet you and give him the emails, if you feel safe with that. If not, call - tell him and then forward the emails to him.

However you feel safest doing it, which is the most important thing at the moment.

Stay strong!

No Emails.

Just call him.

Tell him what happened, and what has happened since Jan 07.

He might yell. He might just listen. He might have a million Questions. You do not have to answer them. You are reporting facts to him. Keep it simple.

Let him know that you can expand/clarify info and provide additional proof if needed.

Call his Cell Phone.

No I do not want to meet him anywhere, especially not alone.

When I call, do I tell him my name?

Do I tell him my husband's name (since the e-mails don't show his name)?

This is not about protecting my DH, but my family/children from the least amount of damage (i.e. his reaction)

Okay, so far:

*67 (block my number) Call him on his cell.
Tell him I have something to tell him.
Briefly tell him about the affair and events since D-Day. Tell him I can send him the evidence if wants it. Ask for his e-mail.

My stomach is in knots.

I want to see HER face when I tell him. I want to drive up to thier house, knock on the door, tell him and then hand him copies of the e-mails. I want her to see me. I want her to know the hurt she has caused. My husband knows, understands the pain he has caused and deals with it on a daily basis and is doing everything to make things better.


Also would you have DH respond to her last e-mail? Respond with a FU response. I want HIM to hurt her. He will do it if I request it of him.

This is the anger talking...

No, your H SHOULD NOT respond to her email. By not responding, he is giving her the biggest FU EVER. He is telling her she is not even significant enough to respond to. She is nothing. which is exactly what she is.

It is up to you on the name thing, but I would tell the OW's H. YOU would want to know, yes?

I know your stomach is in knots. You will feel much better once you DO something about it. Go call.

Please help with the final questions:

Is it a good idea to expose to both of them at her house?
Do I tell DH first?
Do we respond to OW's e-mail?

I just need to hash out these thoughts with all of you.

ABSOLUTELY tell DH first. He needs to be aware of what is going on. Do not hide anything from him.

Does OW have kids at home? If so, then I say No to exposing in person at her house.

You want her to hurt. I get that. You are thinking of this from the perspective of a compassionate person. Do you think she is? Do you really think she will care about the hurt she caused YOU? I doubt it. Based on her personal history - she was self absorbed enough to get INTO an affair with a married man.

Protect YOU and your family. How and what she feels is irrelevant

Why go to the house?

Sure if you want to, but that emotionally charged atmosphere is no place to be.

Just call him.

You will feel much better afterwards..

Okay, I will call. I've gone over in my mind dozens of times the brief conversation I will have with him.

I will tell him my first name only only refer to my husband by the name husband. Then send him the the e-mails which show her e-mail account. If she wants to divulge his full name then so be it.

IMO phone is way to go.

You get to have it Personal (thereby can answer any possible question immediately) .....yet you still have the relative safety and comfort of being able to hang up should it get out of hand.

Plus you can write down ANY type of "points" you would like to make ahead of time ....and be able to reference them (without anybody knowing your doing so).

This works for me,
cause in the Emotional HEAT of a situation like exposure ......I tend to get a bit off course (due to their responses and anger/hurt) .....and tend to not say things that I Really Wanted Said.
So having a little cue card, helps me ........perhaps your better able to keep your head in situations like this though.

Other plus to phone call,
is that you get it mostly all out of the way.
First you KNOW that they got your message ...not the worrying when its by mail.
Next,
you don't have to worry about them contacting YOU (looking for more details then a note or mail can provide).
Also,
YOU can ask questions or find out things that may have been bugging you .....which you also can't do via mail .....at least not in the first go round.
Sooo,
if you can stomach just dialing the numbers and getting those First few sentences out ......IMO its a better option.
Hey,
we KNOW its hard ........REALLY Hard ........but once its OVER, ya don't have to WORRY About it anymore.
IT really can take a load off your mind ........you get to move on, and leave the drama to them.

No, I'm not waffling, I AM going to expose. I just still get so torn on when to do it.

Do you understand why I want to wait till the OW and her husband are far away from here?

If I expose AFTER they have left, we are reducing the damage/fallout to us and any potential harm that she and/or he may do to us in retaliation. My husband’s career is at stake depending on how and if they retaliated. Husband’s career would affect the well-being of my 4 children. My children know what has been going on in our home, but if this were to become “public” knowledge if would be DEVASTATING to them. I want to protect them. I don’t want them to suffer anymore than necessary for the poor decisions of their father.

BF,

Ace has asked me to bump a thread for you...but I'm also posting you a link to it below.

She's at work and can't post...but she's checkin in on ya!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1