I'm about ready to lose it and it's only been about a month. How do some of you do it?<BR>My husband and what he has done runs through my head 24-7 and it's driving me nuts! I try to be so calm and reasonable about this but it is starting to wear on me. Because of the stunt he pulled yesterday I can't even function enough to go to work today. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever but I can't sleep. Will it get better with time? Will I eventually be able to sort out my emotions and make clear decisions? It doesn't help with H being so confused and giving conflicting signals. I know what my head says but it's my heart that seems to be ruling me right now and it just keeps getting me hurt. It's all I can do not to call him and leave a message on his voice mail apologizing to him for how I acted this morning and he was the one that was a jerk to me!HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CoW- I know it hurts, I know you want to sleep forever. I wanted to disappear forever, but there is light ahead, you may not be able to see it yet but its there. You need to take care of yourself - you can and will survive and whatever may come, you will be stronger. There is a blessing behind all of this-<P>In the day of distress, fly to God; in the midst of all indulge in a sacred joy in God, and a cheerful expectation from Him. Heroic confidence! Illustrious faith! Unconquerable Love!<P>-Doddridge

i know exactly how you feel....it's been 2 and a half months since discovery and though it is better, i still have days that my emotions get the better of me. Last night we had an argument over something really trivial (he started it) and I ended up yelling and screaming which I never do. I also left and went to a motel. After a couple of hours, I wanted to call and apologize and he was the one who had started all of the episode over something totally stupid. I came home this morning and made love to him. I don't understand where all this is going, but hopefully we will make it through.

crazy or what,<BR>YEP, That is how it feels, YEP, You will want to sleep all the time, Yep, how can you go on? It's alot of work, some horrible and some rewarding. He will change and so will you. You both are different persons now, and you don't like either of you! But, you both are still there. I remember calling my H and telling him to go to the conferance room and call me, so he could talk, then I would give him both barrels, he never talked, he just listened, he could have done that at his desk. I put him through H_ _ _, and he took it. If he talked at all, he said the wrong thing in my book! But, he said he would do what ever it took, and he took alot. That is how I knew we would get through it, and he was still with me. He was staying. Trust and respect for him started building. That is another whole story! Your heart right now says you hate him as much as you love him. Right, I know I'm right because you accepted him back and want to get back to normal. You will hang in there cause you said for better or worse. You will get the strength you need every day. God only gives you what you can handle.

I know your pain! It is horrible. It had been a month for us. It seems sometimes that the only thing that has changes is the knowledge of the affair is that H is in the guest room. <P>We still talk on the phone during the day - when he gets home there is tension, but we do stuff together. Hug before bed - if I am lucky a kiss - I even get an I love you. Then he goes to the other room. It is killing me and although I can look at this logically, the only way I can keep myself under control is to hang onto hope. Some would say that is setting me up for the big fall, but I only want to do that once. So for now I focus on the good he says about us, the mixed signals, and I think if he thinks he f----- up his life - then he must think it is all wrong. I hang onto that hope - one day I may have to give it up. I'll cross that bridge when I get there, I just hope I never do!<P>Hang in there. Be yourself - deposit as much in his love bank as you can - even if you have to suck it up a little. That is the way I am operating for now. <P>We will all get thru this - either our marriages will be stonger or we will find someone who will be a better spouse than we have!

CoW - I'm right in there with you. I know that you have the strength, though. And, look, he's there, so you also have a chance. I keep hoping that these feelings will fade for both of us. Heck, I figure you're getting better just becuase you can get angry!!! I haven't even gotten there yet. Hang in there, my friend. I'm thinking about you and including you in my prayers every single time. You can do this. You could be the success story that gives me strength!!<P>Lori

Hi guys, Guess you didn't read my post from last night. H never came home after all. Said if I couldn't live with him still seeing OW he didn't feel he could come home.<BR>I was losing it this AM but I feel better now. Hey, I got a free day off work anyway.<BR>This darn PMS isn't helping either. Oh well I'll be home all night so I'm sure I'll be posting.<P>Jill

crazy or what? <P>The way I have gotten through it is to pray and treat my W with kindness. It is impossible for you to do it alone. You have to rely on God and those persons He brings in your life to help you get through it.<P>You are in my prayers. MONDO HUG!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

OOps - I didn't think I had missed any. This must be one of my brain-dead days. I was just getting ready to e-mail you to see how you were doing.Today's one of those days. Keep postin tonight. Wish I was far enough along in this (like it was OVER) that I could give you good advice, but I think we're in about the same place. But I'm here and I can listen. And I'm pulling for you.<P>Lori

The way I've gotten through KNOWING for nesarly a year now (and suspecting for much longer) that my W is having an affair is this. I've ended up making a kind of game out of spying on her, and, especially finding out who the OM is. I said this on this forum on several occasions and a number of people have seemed to be (at least mildly) appalled by this tactic. But it works for me. It doesn't mean that I don't feel a lot of pain around my W's ongoing affair, but you can only feel like curling up and dying for so long (and I've been there too). So, I got tired of just feeling bad about it and finally decided to DO something about it!<P>Also, my W has been very very discreet about her affair. She definitely has not rubbed my face in it like some of the cheating spouses people have described on this forum. And I think I've come to appreciate this fact. I know she still loves me (she says so) and wants to stay in the marriage. I think that helps too, though I really don't understand how someone can think they can have a successful marriage and keep an affair going. That, and the loss of intimacy are what hurt most.<P>--Wex

Seven months since 1st discovery, 3 days since 2nd. I couldn't do it without my faith in God. I have prayers and Bible verses printed up and scattered all over my house, office, car, purse.<P> Living for short increments of time is another coping mechanism. For example you get up at 7, you plan on coping until 7:30. At 7:30 you figure you can make it until 9. 9 is bad you go for 9:15. And you work your way through the day. At some point you forget and go a couple hours.<P>I also call friends, read a million books, watch movies, drink wine, jump on the tramp, workout, walk, mutter to myself, journal, and come to this board A LOT.

CoW?, <P>I know it's hard and I know it seems never ending. Sometimes, just when you think it is getting better, something even worse comes along. Hold on. Time will heal your wounds. <P>The things he is saying are his way of justifying what he's doing. You have to let the bitterness slide off. You can't let the rejection get to you. I lived through 7 months of my W running to the OM instead of me. The rejection and anger were almost too much to bear, but I kept going. I gave her lots of unconditional love and I took every rejection and hurtful comment without giving it back. I think she kept waiting for me to crack. She kept waiting for me to resort to my old behaviors. After months of standing firm in my committment to her, she started to soften a little bit. <P>You take one hour at a time. <BR>You pray without ceasing. <BR>You journalize all your thoughts. <BR>You come here often to pour your heart out.<BR>You take time for yourself. <BR>You read all you can get your hands on. <BR>You take time to cry. <BR>You change your own bad habits that you aren't happy with. <BR>You give all the love that you can expecting nothing in return. <BR>Through this, you will be made strong. <P>Hold on.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>

Wex-<P>Strange how your words affected me. I'm in the same boat. I had the chance to curl up and try to make the pain go away, but it didn't seem like that would work. For me I took your path. I started waiting and watching for signs and investigating.<P>Luckily, GOD, or my guardian angels, or coincidence has allowed me to catch some of the slip-ups she has made. The other thing is that luckily I know some things about the medium they're using to communicate.<P>Here's the strange part... I hate finding out the details about what they do or where they go, But I keep on trying to find out more. I am beginning to realize that I was looking for a sign, for "hope", or at least a good reason for hope.<P>I've gotten fairly decent at this, (investigation) and I've hired a pro. I would have been able to do a better job than the pro (if it was not my wife I was following) but I wanted an outsider.<P>I've got the info I need to go to D court and kick [censored]. I have a plot to steal the kids away and to move, I have cover stories, records of meetings, pictures (no t=not that kind) and independent verification... But there's one thing I don't have. My wife's love.<P>After realizing I can bring the whole thing down, Ive even asked her "Is she...?" and she denied it. I realized that it didn't matter if I brought it down... I still lose. I lose the kids, the house, everything I've built and most important I lose any chance of rekindling the kind of relationship I coveted when I married this woman.<P>Why should I care... I don't know...it hurts like hell... Like no pain I've ever had to endure physically... So I keep on watching and trying to work on things from my side of things to improve the chance that we might survice this.<P>She says she wants our marriage to work, but she's making no real attempt to please me, only to fulfill her motherly and houshold duties. Sex has stopped, and when it did happen it wasn't that great anyway. <P>So Why am I still here? I don't know, maybe that's why I keep looking for more information. Either way, I understand why you keep watching.<P>

SHA said it pretty good. My Wife has been gone (other side of country) 6 months. It gets better, it gets worse. You have to go ahead & feel your emotions & not try to be "tough".<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Followup-<P>Note the plot I refer to is my W's and the OM. I could never be that deceitful.<P>To respond to the original post... Love makes you do things you never thought you would... You're staying or trying to stay with your spouse even after going through the hell your in now. Why would that be, when every bone in your body hurts like hell and your head tells your to tell him to go sc*&%^ himself? You'll go through all sorts of revenge scenarios, you'll probably even come very close to acting on your emotions. But you probably will not.<P>You are a good person and that's why you still care. The fact that you still care is what hurts do much and it always will. You can only focus on yourself in this, and try to become the person you always imagined. Be a good person, and do things for you not just in the hope of trying to win him back. A sense of a confident other person, not insecure about themselves is what seems to be the theme in my situation.<P>In many of my friends "D's" they never seemed to be able to stoip focusing on the question of "what can I do to get him/her back. The focus was only on the other person, not what to do for themselves. Years later they still suffer and want. <P>I'm not sure what anyone can say to help you feel better, Lord knows we all want that for you. Try to focus on anything of your own and put a little time into that. It helps.

I too know your pain. I ache for you. Just try to remember that you need to do what is best for you. Hold your head up high and tell yourself you deserve it. Me h is so confused right now and I want so much to hold him and tell him everything will be ok. He will have no part of that. I just take my day step by step, moment by moment, and pray trust that God is taking care of everything. HAng in there.<BR>

I know how you feel. I have been there too. I have known about the affair since Feb. It first, I too just wanted to curl up and replay it all in my head. I then realized that I am a very smart, inteligent and capable person in my own right. I will never let him take away my self-esteem. I now do things that make me happy. I still ove my H, but he is no longer my only reason for existance. Sometimes, I put myself into a denial mode so that I will not dwell on the bad things. Maybe that is wrong, but it works for me. Don't get me wrong, there are still times that I will obsess about it and spend about an hour trying to break into either his or her email account (I know, terrible illegal, but that is how I found out about the affair in the first place.) The affair is still going on despite my best efforts. (He still denies it) You must be very strong now. It may not get better for awhile, but you will find your own way to cope with the pain. Just don't resort to alcohol or other things to satisfy your need for withdrawl. I tend to vent on this site whenever I feel the need to let off steam. Find a trustworthy friend that will not judge you. You will probably say some hurtful things. Look to others for strength, either here or IRL.<BR>

WOW, some amazing comments on this thread. TheMan... you not only feel my pain but have some tremendous advice. I have searched some and stopped... I get those "near panic attack" feelings thinking I'll find the next love note or whatever... it helped in some sick way but I've let go of it 'cause I KNOW now... she's fessed up and wants out... 3 years she's been seeing this man... I'm gonna take that advice and try to focus more on me, because somehow despite it all, I have a small sense of growing out of this whatever happens....