Three months ago my wife came to me seeking a separation. She has grown out of love with me and feels she is being smothered living with me. I of course reacted as expected and latched on to her like a sobbing baby. Thank God over the last three months I have come to grips with myself and I am beginning to find my indentity in Christ. We both have started marriage counseling as well as personal counseling to deal with our own baggage.

We have yet to separate...but that is mainly due to finances. We own a house and were initially going to sell it to move closer to work/school...but that was going to be together. With her desire to separate that plan has changed to us selling and getting separate places. Our second marriage counseling session was Tuesday and I finally stood up for what I wanted. I want to reconcile our marriage, but I don't want to sell the house until I know she wants to work on the marriage. I want this marriage to work, but she has been ambevolent the last three months. I have been walking on eggshells hoping not to upset her and fearing I would make things worse... After the session on Tuesday you can tell she is upset and barely speaks to me. I need to know the best way to deal with her negativity. I have offered her money to move out if that is what she needs, but I can't see selling our house if she can't make up her mind what she wants. If she wants to call it quits - I will be forced to sell. If she says she wants to make us work but she needs space. I will give her that space. Right now all she says is "I don't know."

The marriage counselor says to give it a month...to try and be friends and come back the beginning of June and see how she feels then....maybe I just need to give it more time...but it hurts so bad when the person you love doesn't love you back.

Luke

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, Luke.

You have found what I believe to be the most awesome place for saving your marriage. Big kudos on choosing to do so, standing up for your own goal (not dependent on her stuff) and bravely posting here.

Have you read all the articles linked to the right of your post? They are terrific...Dr. Harley has written some great books..."Fall in Love, Stay in Love", "His Needs, Her Needs" and many others.

There's one I am not happy to suggest, but am going to do so because I respect you are strong and clear on what you want, and many of us here have been in your shoes. "Surviving An Affair" by Harley is a terrific book on how A's happen, how to recover and having thriving marriages.

You don't say she's having an A. I understand this. And I'm not assuming, either. What I see are red flags...there are standard statements people in affairs make and you have gotten four of them. We call it wayward spouses...WS...which can mean being in a wayward mindset...not actually in an A, just in the mindset. A very common, standard statement is "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. They describe missing feeling in-love feelings, and since they direct their lives from feelings, instead of beliefs, they believe that's themselves directing them to end their marriage. It's not real or reasonable. Why? Because love isn't a feeling. It's a belief. We choose to believe we love and act from our choice...even when we don't feel loving. When we act from our love, directly from our beliefs, then we feel loving feelings as a result.

That's what you did. You chose to save your marriage, not because of your feelings, because you choose to believe you love and are acting from it. Which is TERRIFIC. We aren't taught this...takes a real coming to Jesus inside for us to get there. And I perceive you doing this with Christ, your marriage, yourself and your life.

Humungous admiration and kudos from me. Now...stop walking on eggshells. Warriors for Christ feel great fear...fear of losing their loved ones, their lives...and they hold their fear and act anyway.

Second red flag was wanting space. Third one is not knowing her mind.

Would you please consider verifying she's not having an emotional or physical affair? Check emails, cell records, journals, etc.? Even if you have to hire a PI, it is in the vein of identifying what you're fighting right now...because you can't fight her feelings. They are hers. Her stuff. Coming from her, about her, from her own beliefs. And don't educate her about that...in this wayward state of mind, it is a distancing thing to do.

Instead, learn about listen and repeat...which is owning your own communication...no eggshells. Do not offer money for her to move out...you may be funding an A. Instead, know she is capable and makes her own choices...every step of the way. Identify your own and stay aware of them. You can save your marriage...I have no doubt.

Read up on Plan A here...it's for ending Affairs. Read Harley's Four Rules of Marriage...especially the one for Time...because you can think back to when you were first married and all that you guys did then...especially Recreational Companionship (RC) and date and create at least 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA) time together each week. Won't be smothering...because you won't have R(elationship) talk. Playing...as you once did.

Your job is to offer your presence, to connect...to continue to look to yourself, find out your LBs (love busters) and identify and eliminate them. Inject respect and know your acts of love, so you feel loving...filled up, not dependent on HER acting loving.

And choose to believe she loves you...and live from that. Don't have to convince her she does...you can choose to believe and experience life that way. It's valid. You're married. You're partners. Learn all you can about partnering (we tend to parent, not partner), what is within your control and what isn't...which is knowing your power and limits as a human being...and that you are equals, and always have been.

Consider, also, copying your post to a new thread on Infidelity General Questions II...even if she is not in an A right now, she's in a wayward state of mind...and that forum gets the most traffic, which means you can get the most opinions and help.

You are not alone. You are not bad, wrong or defective. You are in a painful and fearful situation right now...and it's just right now, and you're choosing to be a hero to your marriage.

Wayward state of mind formula: Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Get to know where you resent, what you feel entitled to and where you may not be respecting. It's a whole journey...and the more you can understand where you have this in yourself, the better you can share with her what you discover, learn and are growing from.

You are growing, Luke. Hang in and continue to stand up. You're not wrong or unreasonable. I'm so glad you're here.

LA

LovingAnyway: Thank you for your response, and I will start to read the article you suggested. While I don't believe a physical affair has taken place. I do believe an unhealthy emotional bond has been formed between my wife and a family friend. That article will probably do me some good dealing with that.

Since writing last week my wife has put a down payment on an apartment, so looks like she is still set on separating. I am prayerful she finds what she is looking for in this "space" she is creating. She knows I do not agree with this choice, but it sounds like in her mind she can't start working on the marriage until she is out of the house. It is difficult for me to understand her reasoning for this, but maybe that is because is doesn't make much sense. All I can do is trust in God and hope that he softens her heart towards me. It is so difficult because I feel my relationship with Christ growing daily, but my marriage seems to just be standing still.

Luke

LA,

Thanks so much for your post. I know it was directed to Luke but it's been very helpful to me. I need to remind myself of my worth and what I want while looking at the LBs in my M. I've been acting out of fear these past 3 wks since D-Day. It's a daily struggle trying to act out of love and not to resent. I do notice the positive response when I'm not expecting anything back.

I need to read your post everyday to remind me to stay strong.

Click

Luke,

Do you want to stand for your marriage?

An emotional bond is an Emotional Affair...an EA...

When one partner in a marriage puts anyone else (or anything) before the marriage...it's an affair.

She's put a deposit down on an apartment for "space"...when there is plenty of space in your home for her to breathe, share, explore and know...God made us able to do that anywhere. Her moving out, I believe, is an attack on the marriage...because it splits your union.

There is nothing she can think, feel, believe, perceive or view in an apartment that she can't at home.

I ask for you to fight for your marriage in the way we do when there is an affair...

Plan A...

Which is you identifying and eliminating your love busters (LBs)...doing the ENs questionnaire and filling it out as best you can for what you know about your wife...acting to meet her ENs, listen and repeat respectfully...do not attempt to educate her in any way...and to read like crazy to know and understand the dynamics of marriage...

Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders by Harley
His Needs, Her Needs (Harley)
Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud and Townsend)
The Five Languages of Love (Chapman)

Separate your finances so that your marital debts are paid monthly, as usual, and whatever is leftover is what is left to fund her separation...just as you wouldn't want to fund an affair to break your marriage apart, you don't want to fund her choice to separate.

Get out of the way of her consequences. Get into your own beliefs, tracing and knowing what you feel, where it's coming from, and share your own stuff. I suggest O&H drive by statements...which only really work when you're living together...

"I feel really deep, old fear in me when I think of you leaving our marriage. Here's the mustard."

They aren't to be acknowledged, discussed, solved or cured...just stated. Acts of honesty chosen in support of your marriage. Your half. Your part.

Is the family friend married? Have you talked about the unhealthy emotional bond with his spouse?

Part of Plan A is choosing to live in truth, and act from it. Exposure. If you do not believe she is attacking the marriage (with separation, an affair, an addiction), then you will not expose...nothing to expose. Just your wife wanting space. Nothing to fight there, is it?

So I guess I'm asking if you see her leaving your marital home as an attack on your marriage? That her physical presence is essence to your union? Her half of the marriage is as important and equal to your half of it?

Prayers for lifting her up to the Lord...stopping there...for he knows her...and you lifting up your marriage, asking for guidance and direction...I remember...because he will...and your growing, staying aware, and your actions will change your whole life.

I promise.

Act for your half of the marriage, Luke. You titled your thread bitterness...did any parts of my post aid you?

LA

Click - You're very welcome...I appreciate your feedback. You are helping yourself...reading as much as you can...finding where your situation is similar...big kudos...and make sure you give those to yourself, too. It is a struggle...what helped me is to know I had a love affair with my own resentment for all of my life...it was what I was taught...and I found it in my work life, my personal life, my parenting...you name it. We don't change our brains overnight after decades of training them to hand us resentment from our perspective. Heck, we didn't even know we chose our perspective, so how could we?

Is that positive response you're noticing inside you or in your spouse? Base your stuff on your own responses, not others. Frees you from even more resentment...and it's an awesome way to live, Click, in my experience. My NEW experience.

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LA