Hello, I found out 9 months ago that my H of 7years was having an affair with a women that he worked with. I always thought that it was happening, but was never able to find out the truth. Then I walked in on them one day at his work. My life has never been the same....He told me that it was because of me, and that he didn't feel loved by me any more...didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore...that I forced him to marry me....that the OW was conpassionate, caring and they enjoyed talking and being around each other. The first couples of months were terrible, he wouldn't talk, wouldn't listen, did pretty much what he wanted to do...told me that I wasn't going to make him do anything he didn't want to do...during this whole time, continuing to talk to the OW everyday at work, on the phone at night etc...During time things have gotten a little better, but he told me last night that he still cares for the OW, that he cares that she is hurting...I don't know what I should do....Should I just let go of him, and move on????

Does he still work with her and maintain conact with her?

{{{Loving_Fool}}}

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.

Know this - all that babble about it being your fault, etc., is just babble. It's much easier to blame somebody else, than own your own faults.

Perhaps there were some problems, but it's never an excuse to stray.

Have you read the Basic Concepts, and about Plan A? Does OW have a husband? If so, has the affair been exposed? Have you told friends and family?

It sounds like there's still an EA going on, if not a PA. Expose it to the light of day and it will wither.

Implement Plan A and implement it well.

This was his CHOICE - it was not your fault.

In support,

JinGA

welcome, lf:

Have you read the articles on the main page? Your si2ation sounds pretty typical of these As, and does sound like MB can help quite well.

I would also consider calling the counseling center and setting up an appointment. You need 2 work 2ward NC between your H and the OW. He can't work with her anymore, because of their A. One of them will have 2 leave their job. Telling him this will fall on deaf ears at this point, of course. The Harley's can help you with a plan 2 recover your marriage.

-ol' 2long

Yes he still works with her everyday..there are many times that I have tried to talk to him and tell him how it makes me feel that they are trying to remain friends. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he didn't do anything wrong, and neither did she therefore they can remain friends, just not as close...and to be honest I think in order for us to work he needs to not talk to her at all...and I agree I do believe that it is and was a EA....I just don't know where to go with it from here. He says that he still loves me and didn't know what else to do, that he doesn't love her, but cares that she is hurting...wants to try and make it work with me, but on his own pace and with his own limits...When I first found them, I told him that I would do anything to show him that I do care about him and that I do love him, but right now I am at the point where I don't know if I made the right choice.

lf, the problem is that he sees her every day. He can't ever withdraw from her if he is seeing her every day. He has to quit that job and end all contact. That is the only chance you have to save your marriage. If he will not leave his job and end all contact, then you would want to seperate and go into Plan B.

But before you do that, I would suggest exposing the affair at work, to family, and close friends. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they thrive on secrecy. If the OW is married, you would want to expose to her husband first. Exposure might kill the affair so you don't have to seperate so you would want to try that first.

What do they do for a living?

I agree with you about he can't ever withdraw from her, but he won't quit his job, he won't even look for a new one....Is that a sign he doesn't want to move on??? As far as exposing the affair at work, I have thought about that...I just don't know how to do something like that..

He is a bus mechanic, and she is the dispatcher.

LF:

Sorry you have to be here.

You have been fight a battle with a Ghost for over a year.

You have seen the Ghost revealed to you about 9 months ago.

You have just enlisted in the MB Army.

This Army can help you destroy the Affair, and return your M to a path of recovery and renewal.

Or, It just might help you thru the process of getting rid of a horrible person in your life, help you to grow as a woman, and allow you to live a much richer, fuller life from this day forward.

You stand at a crossroads. The road to a better M is available, but your wayward husband has to join you in that road.

You might also follow the road that leads you to life without wayward Husband.

Either way, we will help you to become a better person. Really.

And it took you a while to get to this place in your M, and it will take you awhile to straighten it out.

The MB Army is good at giving you aid and comfort in the battle with Waywards, and in pointing out how you can become a better Wife.

And sometimes, we can get very pointed.

But we have processes here that can seem sort of unusual and counter-inituitive, but they do work. Not 100%, but a much higher percentage than most that are recommended by people who have never been in A.

Because the plan you have been following isn't working, is it?

But we can help you follow a better, more coordinated, more successful plan to recover your M.

Your Husband right now is fence-sitting. We like to help folks knock them off the fence. He can fall on this side of the fence, or the other, that is HIS CHOICE. Remember that. He is making the CHOICE every day to disrespect you and the M.

So, stick around.

Read BUGSMOM thread, for help in learning about Plan A.

Pay attention to Melody Lane. She can tell it straight, and you might be hesitant to try what she recommends, but you will eventually follow her advice almost verbatiam, and you will find a sea change in how you act, feel, and respond to wayward H. However, She will challenge you to perform.

Remember, what you have been doing doesn't seem to be working, so you need a new plan. Mel has it, and will beat it into you if necessary...

Read Ace-in-Bucket's thread, from January to find out about that.

Stick around. One day will not make your M successful, but two months around here? You WILL be Amazed.

And, I was a Wayward Husband, one of the few around here, So I can speak about how your H is feeling. BTDT. He's a rookie.

OK?

LG

lf:

The good news is that there are jobs for mechanics and dispatchers all over the place.

The bad news is that your H is, in effect, telling you that his continuing EA (and it IS continuing, so long as you're concerned) is more important 2 him than your marriage.

I think that, from what you've described so far, your marriage can likely be saved. But there are other things 2 consider:

Do you have children?

If not, it is important 2 realize that recovery - whether with your H or on your own - is a LOT of hard work. The good news, is that it is extremely character-building and very rewarding.

But cutting your losses is something you might want 2 consider as well. I don't suggest that lightly, mind you. And I don't recommend it without giving recovery your best shot. You want 2 be able 2 look back in 10 years and know that you did your level best 2 save things.

best,
-ol' 2long

L_F,

You say you think it is just an EA which makes me wonder when ""Then I walked in on them one day at his work.""

What were they doing?

""He told me that it was because of me, and that he didn't feel loved by me any more...didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore...that I forced him to marry me....that the OW was conpassionate, caring and they enjoyed talking and being around each other.""

Big time fogbabble, tap-dancing going on here.

Plus he is acting like a spoiled child;

""he wouldn't talk, wouldn't listen, did pretty much what he wanted to do...told me that I wasn't going to make him do anything he didn't want to do...""

Did he hold his breath until he turned blue too??

As long as he sees her everyday, he still gets his "hit on the crack pipe" and his feelings will remain the same for her, for that addicting drug that she is.

One of them has got to go...or you will. Just because he is served with divorce papers does not mean you have to divorce him...but they can be a very intensive wake up call.

2long, just saw your lava sig line...very good!

kirk

I agree with you, about there being jobs all over the place...and that is what I have told him...The comment made to me was...Why should she have to lose her job, move away from her family, just because of something that he did...
My comment to that is, they both had a part in this....the OW knew he was married....she knew what she was doing....

Yes, we have children...I think right now that is what is keeping us together...I have a 2yr, 3yr girls, and a 11yr step son...

I know that the road to recovery is difficult, I guess I just don't see myself getting any closer to it, as long as I can't rebuild the trust for H.

You see he made a comment the other day, when I said that I thought the OW should get a different job, that it would be the best for all of us....He said it would only be the best for you....again why should she lose everything....

Sometimes I think that he and the OW feel that this was all a game, and I won, because H didn't leave....and she lost because he didn't leave...

No you have this wrong.

YOU have lost.

This affair is ONGOING.

YOU cannot recover your marriage while they work together.

YOU cannot recover until NO CONTACT is established. FOR LIFE.

Your husband should quit his job.

You have not won - she has.

kirk,

Oh I know it was more then just a EA....they became physical, although H won't admit it happened at my house, I just don't believe him...

I think one of things that attracted him to OW, is she is quiet a bit older then us, and she in a way treated him like her child....she coddled him, she made him her most important thing in her world...in which I don't have time to do, we have children, jobs, bills, mortgage.

No he didn't turn blue although, I don't think I would have noticed, considering I was being told how bad of a person I am, how much I didn't take care of such a priceless person as him, how much I shouldn't have done, and how much I continued to push him closer and closer to OW.

I agree that one of us has to go, and I agree with as long as they work together, things will not change....I guess H is just not seeing it that way.

He tells me now that he never really had a connection with her, and that he was lonely...he tells me that I shouldn't worry about how OW feels about him, all that should matter is how H feels about me....but the problem I have with that is I really don't trust what he is saying....

And as far as the divorce papers go, I will not serve him with those unless it is what I intend to do, I can not use them as a threat...

Thanks for all your help.

Brenda

I agree with you....I do not by any means feel like I have won anything....not to mention I don't want to play the game anymore....Is that bad????

I know that the game will always continue as long as they work together, but I can't get H to see that....

I don't know how many times, or how many different ways I have tried to tell him that I can't move on until he has NO, and I mean NO contact with her...

I mean he fixed her car for her this weekend....and then I got told that he didn't think there was anything wrong with it, he helps out alot of people with little things like that.

lf:

Read up on plan A/B then. You should probably give plan A a try for some months yet. Purpose being 2 negotiate an end 2 the A (which means, getting him 2 quit because the OW won't, or you have no control over what she does anyway).

Have you exposed 2 the OWH? He needs 2 know.

-ol' 2long

lf, this affair hasn't even slowed down for a speed bump.

You need to expose. All over, in detail and without warning.

With prayers,