Hello All,

Just to give a bit of a background, my WW is/was involved in a LTA (~4 years) We have one child.

Her affair is coming to a close and she is starting to show signs of withdrawl. The problem for me is I really feel like we have nothing to talk about. I want to try and reconnect with her, but I really don't have anything to say to her.

I guess I have been reflecting back on the last four years and realize that any event that would normally make lifelong memories was ruined by her affair. Our vacations over the last four years were always her being withdrawn and not really fun to be around. She has pushed friends away so we don't really get invited to things anymore.

She was looking to go be with the OM and latching on to his friends for her social life.

I feel like I have been robbed of four years of what should have been great memories. And i just don't really know what to talk about with her anymore besides the 'safe' subjects.

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you deal with it?

You say "is/was". If it is "is" then your marriage is not going to get any better.

The woman should break her back to make ammends, show remorse and to make you and the family feel safe again. If she is not willing to do anything difnerently to accomplish this and only willing to be a house guest because OM is gone away then I would seriously consider moving on and letting her be on her own for a bit

TTG:

Been there with the 4.5 Year LTA.

Walked Away on DDay.

Remember one thing. Your W had ample enough time to leave and be with OM.

But she didn't.

If they do not do it in the first six months, they never will.

So you, as a H and F, was the choice.

Build on that.

What to talk about?

What would you like to talk about?

What is "unsafe"?

If there is "Unsafe" Then it needs to be talked about.

Is the last four years tainted? Yes. My BS will agree with that. Boy, would she ever.

But it doesn't define where we are now.

It shaped us. (And I was the one using the hammer to do the shaping)

But it doesn't define us.

Please let me know what is "unsafe" to talk about. And then we can start looking for ways to get to some answers.

And please let us know who feels that it is unsafe to talk about.

LG

Through:

A couple of things here that I feel like need to be pointed out. First of all, either she is done with her affair or she is still involved. There is nothing in the middle. The affair has ended when all of these things have occurred, to wit- She has committed to no contact, a NC letter (approved by you) has been sent and she is willing to become completely accountable and transparent.

Until that has occurred at a minimum, you have to be on guard and continue to try and stop the affair. She is still a WW at this point and cannot be trusted.

As far as reconnecting, I think it is pretty natural for all of us to want to "reconnect" as soon as possible. The thinking probably is that if we reconnect and renew the marital relationship to be even better than ever, then the whole nightmare will have gone away.

I am two years past D-Day. Twelve years past the AE. My marriage is without a doubt better than it ever was before including prior to the A. My FWW and I are connected in a way that we neither ever thought possible. But although our marriage is better in almost every way, we both still have to live with what happened in the past. Not to dwell on that history but to manage how that experience changed each of us. I still have episodes of resentment which leads to entitlement issues. She still has deep remorse and feelings of not being worthy. We strive first and formost now to make sure each others needs are met...but we are different people and our relationship is different than it was before the A. The innocence is lost, committment means something different than it used to and your life will never be the same. She can't undo her choices and if you cannot move forward in a positive manner, it is unlikely that you will find that "better" relationship down the road.

The best advice that some of the old timers around here gave me when I was at the same point as you is to be patient, try to keep moving forward but resist the temptation to try and get it all back at once.

It has been said here that time does not heal all wounds and I agree with that. Time heals nothing. Hard work from both sides heals those wounds over time but if your expectation is that you will forgive and forget, you will be sorely disappointed in your recovery. Accept what has happened, work with you WW to rediscover your relationship and what brought you together in the first place as well as starting to value what you have now, forgive when you can, and hope that over time, the memory of this nightmare gradually becomes less pervasise in your everyday life.

NT

Threadjack!! sorry!

LG

""Remember one thing. Your W had ample enough time to leave and be with OM.""
But she didn't.
If they do not do it in the first six months, they never will.

OK, where, or in what handbook, did you get this? No really, I'm serous. My FWW was in a 3 year A or LTA (not sure of the legnth of time that makes it an LTA) and this may effect my take on the whole dealio.

Or did you just pull this out from somewhere?

AND...""It shaped us. (And I was the one using the hammer to do the shaping) ""

I beg your pardon???

Threadjack over. Thanks,

Krusht:

The six month thing is not written in stone anywhere. It is just repeating some probabilities that are professed in some other information sources. The thought being that early in the LTA, the chemical highs (dopamine, etc.) cloud any sense of judgement for the betrayer and so they are much more brave and willing to act rashly i.e. leave to be with their soul mate. As the LTA continues, the rationalization often becomes "I know this is wrong but I deserve it". This part of the affair cycle is the cake eating part. They want their family, status, house with you but want to have their icing with the OM.

There are some good resources for both of you. MB was a lifesaver for me and I believe it to be the soundest approach to rebuilding the marriage. The first step for me was to try and understand the "whys" and "hows". I found Torn Asunder by Dave Carder to be very helpful in this regard. Many of the principles he espouses dovetail with MB but he probably gets a little more in depth with breaking down the physcology pre and during A than MB does. Used together, was a very good foundation for me to start the process.

nottoday,

Thanks for the time to answer that. Makes sense. I guess I missed Torn Asunder on the reading list. I think I read all the others.

kirk

hopeandpray,

i say is/was beacuse it has really only been a week since she cut contact. so far i have seen no sight of contact, but she became a pro at covering her tracks. what i do know is the venom she has spewed over the past few days would make satan proud.

your advice is much like i have recieved here before. i wasnt really at a point to let go when i originally posted. i still hoped for this to turn around. if i do find additional contact at this point, unfotunately it would be the end of the road for me. its been too long and too much hurt. i deserve better as does my child.

lousygolfer
when i say safe i mean the every day mundae questions. 'how was your day', 'did you see what DS did', etc. i want to just be able to laugh and joke around with her. i want to make sexual innuendoes like we used to do. but when i try any of that, she gets annoyed and/or withdrawn. and dont get me wrong, it is not as if she doesnt find this amusing. the emails and txts from the OM were much more graphic, and she thinks the world of him.

so it is me that feels unsafe. i am so tired of the rejection. i feel like i have to walk on eggshells around her.

nottoday

thank you for your words. I agree with you and i am not trying to sweep this under the rug. i have been to IC to try and get a better understanding of my actions that helped the relationship to erode and have been improving my behavior. i have tried to see things from her point of view to understand why she went outside the marriage. i took ownership of my issues and have tried to improve myself, not only for her, but for myself and my child. at this point she is not really working on anything, whether it be herself or our marriage. she goes to IC, but the guy is really just a really expensive cheerleader. whatever she says, goes. currrently she says she doesnt think she can ever love me again. i chalk it up as fog talk, but sometimes she sounds REALLY convincing.

krusht
are you and your wife still together?

thank you all so much for responding.