I just bought the book at lunch. Mostly for info on the "B" letter. I'm disgusted and tired. I think, in retrospect, that I didn't handle this go 'round well. I didn't really plan A at all. I need to work towards a plan B for my own health and give her over to God as some of you wise sages here have suggested.

Is anyone else currently reading the book?

I need Harley's new book... Surviving The FOURTH Affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

OUCH.

Serial Cheaters? Very difficult.

But they can be reformed...

LG

LG,

Do you really believe serial cheaters can be reformed?

Still

Still--and howmuchmore--

I was married to a serial cheater, and I can say that to this day I believe where there is life, there is hope. As long as a person is alive, it it possible that circumstances may occur in their life such that they realize they are an affair addiction and seek treatment for it. Also, at any moment God could move in their lives and bring them to salvation so that as a believer they would seek to repent from their sin and please God. As long as their is life, there is hope.

HOWEVER, I also think that it is wisdom to seek to protect yourself from the damage and harm that a serial cheater can do. I sincerely do not take marriage covenants lightly, but I do think that God calls us to wisdom and to protect OUR hearts because from our hearts springs a wellspring of life for others around us. This is why I think Plan B can be such a useful tool and try to encourage people who are in Plan B. For example, in Plan B the BS is able to protect what little bit of love and respect they have left for the WS. The BS is out of the line of fire, so to speak, from the drama of the affair and the day-to-day heartache that a WS can dish out. By going into a dark Plan B, the BS can bring their life back to peace...can work on themselves and work on their own issues...can restore some balance and sense of "normalcy" to their life while the WS carries on their craziness! In Plan B it is peaceful and protected, and you can carry on in Plan B for as long as you determine as an individual.

In my own instance, I did not do a very good job. I kept taking him back and allowing him to cake eat. I kept wanting to believe his promises and kept seeing "hope" where it really was more lies and another smoke screen. But, I had a lot of lessons to learn about myself, my own self worth, how to tell if someone is lying (when words do not match actions), what was abusive and what wasn't, what was loving and what wasn't, etc. I had a LOT to learn!!! But, because of the relative peace of Plan B, when I wasn't in the daily chaos of his multiple affairs...I WAS able to learn it! Once I got the hang of a true Plan B, I was able to disentangle from my own co-dependency of him, move on in a healthy and happy life, and just patiently wait for him to either choose to come around or not...and either was okay with me because *I* was okay.

So to get back to the topic, I believe it is theoretically possible for serial cheaters to be reformed, but only if THEY face the truth, only if THEY seek out help of their own accord, and only if THEY stick with it over the years like a reformed alcoholic.



--CJ

Still:

Yep.

Alot tougher. And in many cases pointless.

But they can be.

You have to destroy the wayward state of mind. And create an environment that allows the Wayward to get and recieve what they percieve to be missing.

Tough to do.

And we can't do it.

The Wayward one has to make the choice.

Your Husband has chosen to be WH most of your M. In some form or another.

Sounds like HMM's WW has the same gene.

Quite the battle to be waged. Different tatics for a single affair, but similar.

But the track record leads you to believe, that no matter what, monogamy ain't for them.

LG

howmuch,

Or should it be How Many???

I read your first post and my heart goes out to you, my friend.

And I almost bit on the "Surviving the 4th Affair" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

All that she has put you through demands the Plan B you are leaning toward. Specially to help you heal from her toxic actions and selfishly pursuing her quest for self-gratification.

This is all about her of course and how GOD let HER down!! And you asked HER if SHE was going to D YOU?? You may have that backwards.

From what you said in your first post she is going to selfishly "enjoy" her addiction until she crashes again, and then what? You take her back again??

I understand the Christian ethic here on marriage and those pesky vows, but how about the children?? And the rest of their lives?? And the rest of YOUR life??

Do not become a Marriage Martyr.

kirk

Hey - you have been receiving great responses and advice from some knowledgable people. I have learned much fromt he postings and just have couple of comments.

You say you didnt do a Plan A good enough this time around -why would you do another Plan A? Good lord - this is cuckoldry at its highest level.I mean there is only so much one person can do in your situation. This is extreme mental abuse by your spouse.

I have never witnessed any man handle as much as you have. I would have never believed it if some one had told me and I know I could not have handled your situation.

Its time for you and your kids protection. Don't know about the cure rate of serial cheaters but this is more in the realm of a mental illness problem.

rwinger,

Maybe I should detail my journey. It's really not what one would think. Well, maybe it is. But I tell you, what she has been during the good times, especially the last five years, was wonderful. It's only because I know that side of her that I can still stand.

I was working in a local college today, helping them prepare for thier commencement tomorrow, and while I was sitting quietly working in the brewing excitement of tomorrows event, I was contemplating what it was going to be like at four college graduations... seeing my ex-wife there. I hate having my family separated. Deeply.

It has been a very sad day for me.

How did you handle all the previous affairs ?

Any counselling or plan you used ?

Howmuch,

Your wife sounds like 2 different people.

Which leads me to ask, has there been any hint or diagnosis of a mental disorder? She sounds manic/depressive or something along these lines, of at least a wacked out addictive personality.

""what she has been during the good times, especially the last five years, was wonderful""

Yeah, and now she has abandoned you AND THE CHILDREN!!?? Leaving you to fend for them all? While she enjoys the underbelly.

Sometimes I see the strong traditional Chistians fall the hardest and deepest and I can't explain it.

Concentrate on YOU and your little ones.

kirk

How did I handle the previous affairs?

Affair 1: She confessed and was very, very repentant. Immediate NC and we went to a terrible MC. Then we went to Family Dynamics based on Harley's material. Then we went back and became facilitators and led an 8 week His Needs Her Needs class.

Affair 2: EA only, I discovered, contacted and threatened OM and it dissolved.

Affair 3: Somewhat of a plan B, but not a cold one. Her new love became a fatal attraction and stalked her, after impregnating her. Lost her job, car, and apartment.

I have begun to implement a subtle plan B over the weekend and I can feel the freedom from it. I have counseling again on Wednesday, which I am looking forward to. I'm going to discuss plan B.

I read up to the letter in the book over the weekend.

<bump>

Hey, HMM....it's Wednesday. How did counseling go?

Enquiring minds want to know how you're doing!!!




--CJ