Hi All. I've never posted anything like this before but I just need some help as I am feeling devastated. Our background is that my wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been married almost 7 years and we dated for 4 years before that (living together part of that time). No kids, one dog. We spend a lot of time together and have lots of common interests (running, biking, etc.). I honestly don't think we've ever had a major fight and we're always very respectful of each other and very affectionate (hand holding, hugging, etc.). When we first started dating I thought we were pretty passionate and we were intimate fairly regularly. Then after a couple of years (to the best of my recollection) she seemed much less interested in sex. I simply thought maybe it was just a hormonal change for her and I tried to adjust. I tried not to push sex on her and just let it happen when it happen. On average I'd say we were (are) sexually intimate once a month. Now, earlier this week she was distant and sad. After giving her lots of support and encouraging her to talk honestly with me she has told me that she never really found me attractive sexually/intimately. She says it's very hard for her to tell me this and she doesn't want to hurt me. It's not a sexual performance thing she says and we're both able to acheive orgasm during our times together. She says this whole time we've been together she's felt no "real" passion. She says she is a very sexual person (for a long time now I thought the opposite) and now she can't deny it any longer. She wants something more and she wants to be more sexually active and passionate. She just doesn't feel it with me. The tough part is that in every other aspect of our lives she says she's totally happy and she loves the non-intimate time we spend together. I asked her why this came to a head all of a sudden now and she was honest with me. She told me how she met a man during a work event last weekend (my wife organizes outdoor events). He was a volunteer for the weekend event at her work. My wife was with other colleagues of hers during most of the weekend event and I was with her too for part of it. She says she never really talked much with this man and they didn't even flirt but she felt there was a connection from the moment she saw him (at the beginning of the weekend). Finally at the end of the weekend of work she offered to take him to the airport for his flight home. That is when she said they talked and shared feelings and he told her he felt the same way about her. He is engaged but says he, too, does not feel a "passion" for his fiance. My wife and this man can't have spent more than a couple of hours together in total but she said she felt an instant connection with him. He suggested that he could get a later flight so that they could spend some more time together but my wife told him that she didn't want to do anything scandalous. She did admit that at the airport they hugged and held hands and wondered about what it would be like had their paths crossed earlier. My wife has since talked on the phone with him a couple of times but says she is done with that and wants to focus on her and me. I feel totally emotionally betrayed because of this connection she feels with this man and because she never told me earlier that she was feeling sexually/passionately unfulfilled. I am worried that there is no way to make our marriage work. If we stay together I have live with the fact that she feels no passion between us and if she pursues her passion we won't be together. She has told me that this is not about this man in particular but that it's just the bigger concept of wanting that passion. She said she has had frequent sexual dreams about other men (no one in particular) and feels bad and guilty about that. We've made arrangements to see a marriage counselor next week but I am skeptical that there will be much to offer. It's one thing for a couple to learn ways to rekindle a dying flame but how can my wife rekindle a flame that apparently never was? I don't believe she can "learn" or choose to be passionate about me when that is not what she is feeling. Sorry for the long post I just thought all the info was important and I haven't read of any similar cases in the discussion groups here. Any insight/suggestions/support would be appreciated.

I hold a lot of hope for your relationship with your wife. She did marry you right? This sounds like fog talk to me. I am sure she felt "passion" for you early on. The two of you just have not taken care of each other to make sure you are meeting each other's needs. Fortunately, if she is being truthful with you right now, she has come to you with this information that will help you create the passion in your marriage that you both need.

You need to learn what set of behaviors will lead to passion and she needs to learn what set of behaviors will lead to passion in your relationship. This is very do-able. Just make sure you get a good marriage counselor--one that is able to focus on the behaviors that need to take place between the two of you that will create the passion that you both deserve.

If you felt you were passionate early in your relationship--trust your memory.
Lake

Hi Lake. Thanks for your words of encouragement. The fog talk seems so convincing. My W seems totally convinced that she never felt that way about me. And after talking with her again last night she says it's not so much that she never felt passion for me it's just that she doesn't find me attractive in "that way." Says she never has. Can her mind really block/change memories like that? Or maybe I am just wanting to believe something that isn't true? I know she is sad and upset by all this and she hasn't really eaten for several days now. Things are awkward around the house and she seems very distant. I am trying to hold on to the idea that it's a head trip she is going through and that it's not an inherent problem with our relationship from the start and now she just can't take it any longer.

I'll be traveling for a work meeting next week (Mon - Thurs) and it seems like a bad time to be away but maybe it's a good time to give her some space? We have an appointment with a marriage counselor next Friday after I return. It would be hard to pull off but should I cancel my meeting or cut it short? What then? She'll be working most of the day anyway. We decided we should just proceed as normally as possible (which isn't very normal) until our meeting with the MC next Friday. I hope that's the right thing to do.