I need help dealing with feelings of guilt and mixed emotions for my ex-husband. I had been married to a man for 10 years after being together for 6 years. Five years ago we were divorced after he had an affair and wouldn't stop. Well, he married her 3 years ago. Together they have 7 daughters. She had 5 girls of her own and then our 2. I have primary custody but they go see him during his visitations. Anyway,I have not been with anybody else since our divorce. (Actually, he's been the only one I've ever been with.) Well, to make a long story short. Last summer he started making passes at me which I refrained from taking him up on them of course for many different reasons. Last fall he caught me at a very vulnerable moment and we ended up having sex. (Something I'm not proud of). I knew I should never have done it but I don't even know how to describe how I felt. Anyway, it's continued where it happens maybe twice a month and he calls me 3 or 4 times a week. His wife had forbidden him to talk to me last summer after she found out that we had been e-mailing eachother. She's made my life miserable ever since. When I call him regarding our kids she has to answer the phone and I have to ask for permission to speak with him.She took his personal cell phone away from him and his e-mail.He's abided by her rules except for when he's at his evening job which is where everything has taken place. Of course, she doesn't know about the phone calls nor the get togethers between us.You know how they say revenge is sweet. Well, I've never threatened my ex to tell his wife about us because I now think I still care very much for him.
I feel so used because all along he's always been so sweet to me on the phone and when we have our get togethers. But the instant we see eachother in public like at our daughter's sports events he acts like I'm not even there. Lately, I've been feeling that ball in my stomach everytime my daughter's mention him and his wife in the same sentence. He used to call me like clock work and then when he could he would call me from home whenever she's not around but it's been several weeks since he's done that. The other night I told him that we have to stop doing this (but I didn't tell him that I have feelings for him or I am scared that he's going to dissolve this stupid affair) and I don't want to get hurt.So I feel that if I blow off his phone calls and don't talk to him anymore my feelings for him will go back to dwindling. I can't believe I'm feeling like this again because when he left me for his lover it was an ugly thing and she was so mean to me because she would call me to tell me things that they would do together and say about me just to make sure I got rid of him and it worked.
I guess what makes me sickest is that a lot of people have told me that he is afraid of his wife because she's very controlling. And it hurts know that when he had his affair with her he was soooo wanting to be with her 2 or 3 time a day and constantly on the phone with her. But for awhile I thought maybe he was falling back in love with me because of the way he was when he called but as of late I just feel like a stupid fool who got used by him for a cheap thrill and/or adrenalin rush. I feel this way because with me he can wait 2 or 3 days before he calls me and he can wait a couple weeks before having sex with me. And Lord forbid he not respect her rules while he's in front of her such as when I do call him and she's right by him he's pretty rude to me just to prove to her that there's nothing between us. Yet at the same time I feel like I am no better than she ever was because of what I'm doing. Although, my ex is her 6th husband and I've only been married once. I guess this was not as short as I had planned for it to be. Sorry. Anyway, he's supposed to call me at 6:30pm tonight. I am going to do my best to ignore the phone call which I have done in the past but then he calls my daughter's cell phone to ask her where I'm at and usually my daughter will give me her cell phone and tell me that dad wants to talk to me.
I know I have to do not only what's right but also to keep my heart intact. I could use anybody's advice and/or honest opinion on how wrong I've been. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> [color:"blue"] [/color]
