Can anyone answer this?
Is there any need for me to play detective and gathering evidence when we reside in a no-fault state (KY)? If it comes to it, can I file for divorce in the state where I am currently assigned? I found the name of the best cut-throat divorce lawyer in KY, but don't want to have consultation until I am ready to go forward, when I fell there is no longer the slightest bit of hope.

Usually gathering evidence is just to prove that there is an affair when you expose it. In most states, it doesn't matter as far as divorce. Although I have read that some judges don't look kindly on men leaving their wives for someone 20 years younger.

The question is whether or not you want to stay married to him.

Also, are you getting BAH for housing? If so, you might want to just hang in there and wait until the affair ends. I'm sure it will.

Yes I do want to stay married so I'm in no hurry to get D. I am receiving BAH for the DC area. We have agreed to wait 1 year so we can make home improvements to increase value of home prior to selling. Trying to come up with a plan B but since we are already living apart, communication is the only thing I can stop. Do you think the judge might consider the infidelity when deciding splitting of assets? Should I request part of his retirement (E6)? I don't retire for 6 more years and mine will be more than his (E8). Can the judge make me give him part of mine even though I'm not collecting it yet? I should know these answers since it is my rate but I have been out of rate for quite a long time.

I don't know if you can get a separation agreement where you live. I would see an attorney. In California you can write up an agreement just like ending a business, agreeing to who gets what. That way, he can't try to get part of what you are entitled to. The retirements are usually a wash, but you will get more, so I would be careful.

Living apart is HUGE mistake, as you probably have realized. I'm sure the affair will end, so if you can wait it out, so much the better.

I wouldn't do Plan B. It might be the end of the marriage. You really haven't done a good Plan A, because you are far away. Also, I would expose the affair.

I waited almost 4 years to get a divorce, so I know it can be done. I'd think hard before I gave up the BAH.

In some states (even no-fault states), "proven" adultery can affect the split of the assets, meaning the guilty one would get a disproportionate share. You still need to ask your attorney this, but in the meantime, collect the evidence and document, just in case.

TW, most states these days are technically "no fault." However, the devil is still there in the details. While infidelity no longer is shown as a reason for divorce, adultery may well be taken into account when considering the division of community property, child custody, etc. It DOES vary from state to state so you need to do some research for your particular state to verify that, and ensure the online info you come up with is valid by talking to an attorney.

Additionally, while a judge may or may not be able to take official notice of adultery, there are those moments in any divorce hearing when he or she might be swayed on a favorable side of the argument if the infidelity is a part of the petition. A photograph, for instance, of WS and OP kissing with their arms wrapped around each other has been known to do wonders to a judge's state of mind.

I don't much about your situation. Are you and WH separated because of different permanent stations or TDY...or because of the adultery? What have you done in breaking up the adultery and/or exposure? Did you do a Plan A?

Off Topic: Darn it all. They changed BAQ and VHA to BAH, huh? Shucks, I retire and everything goes to pot in just 10 years huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

See PLAN B HOW LONG string for more details. We are separated because he retired and wanted to get himself established as a civilian. We were both assigned in New Orleans at the time 2002. In 2003, I got orders to DC and he said ****** NO I WON'T GO he hates DC. A started at the end of 2004, DDay was Jul 2006. I am in no hurry for D, I'm still hoping for reconciliation but realize chances are almost nil because of the distance. Right now he has agreed to separate for 1 year so we can be better prepared financially. I believe he is agreeable because then he won't have to commit to the OW. She wants to get married.
Off subject: Yes, lots of changes in 10 years, BAH for DC is great and this year certain ranks received an extra raise. Financially, I am very secure; emotionally I'm broke headed for bankruptcy.