This has been a very long process for me. D-day was 2 years ago, but my wife continued to have contact with the OM (who was and is a co-worker) until I caught them last Feb 2006. Wife claims no contact after that, but began saying she wasn't in love with me, etc. We both went to lawyers and had papers drawn up. My wife was in the drivers seat about filing, and than she said she would like to wait a while before filing. While I've been filling her needs, my were left unfulfilled. Any way, long story short. I'm unhappy, my wife continued to work with OM and goes out often with "the girls" until late at night.

I'm not mad, I'm just done. We get along ok most of the times, but we are basically just roommates and parents to our daughter.

She I tell her my plans, which usually leads to me not following through, or just do it.

Yikes, I don't think this came out right. Sorry

Just do it. Sounds like no more commitment on either side.

For me,I started the process.I told my exwh that I was going to see a lawyer to get some information and then he brought up mediation.But I was 100% clear at the time.No more chances,no more MB plans,no more wondering,no more what if's and holding out.As you said,I was done.MY choice.

I think it wouldn't hurt you to tell your WW this and then go about your business.Hopefully if she didn't contest your decision you could go through a less costly process thru D mediation.

However,if you have any lingering doubts,don't do anything. Sit on the feelings a bit more and explore what they are about.

Thanks AB. The problem is that I don't think I will ever "not have" lingering doubts. I've been with my wife since high school (41 now). It's hard. I've been in IC for almost two years and my doc says that while I am better, the relationship seems to have not changed. He saw my wife for a while too and he claims that she acts as if she is entitled to do whatever she wants. He also said that my relationship with my wife reminded him of a slot machine in Vegas. I keep putting money in waiting for the big payoff. Occassionally I get a little hit and win a few bucks, which keeps me hanging around, but it's been two years, maybe it's time for me to come to the realization that nothing is going to get better.

I still love her, but I can't accept this any longer. I told her at the beginning of this year, that if she didn't find another position/job I would not be able to stay in the marriage. It became very clear yesterday that she wasn't looking and had no plans to leave her present job.

I hate to break my family up, and while these past two years have been miserable, I did enjoy the time I got to spend coming home to my daughter every night and spending every moment I could with her. Obviously that will not be the case after we divorce.

grove,

There's a difference between having lingering doubts about saving the marriage and doubts/feelings about what if's,which,aren't reality.I'm 41 also and I know deep down in my heart that my ex wouldn't have changed,not for anyone.He's still living as he wishes with the OW at his side following him around.I was with my ex a long time too.But I know that I did not want to continue to be with someone like he was.And my ex also, still,has the career issues.Even if we did both decide to get back together again,that is and was a major issue.I was not going to compete with a job anymore nor move anymore.

My whole process thru the A and D has lasted over 3 years.I can honestly say that I don't really love my ex anymore,not the love that keeps marriages alive.I still have the rare,ocassional fleeting sadness at the thought of my marriage being destroyed and my family broken but it passes.That may never go away completely.I really treasured all that,more so than my ex I would say.So in a way,it's like losing a loved one to cancer.You will always have those memories and that wistfullness at times.But I am very happy afterall.I know I made the right decision.

Keep in mind that you are not the one breaking the family apart.BS's go above and beyond trying to patch things up from what I have learned and read here over the years.It's the WS's that do the horrible damage and then seem inert,unable to do what is necessary to save what they once held dear.It will always be all about them and only their feelings and their hurtful ways of solving their problems.

My wife just dumped me off crippled on the side of the road.

GTO, I read your posts 2 years ago and I'm sorry to see you in the same situation.

Believe me, I know this is hard. You're miserable, but it's the devil you know, and the fear of the unknown, of being "alone" is paralyzing at times. And so you merely exist day to day instead of living.

Based on what you have written, your marriage is dead and it is highly unlikely to miraculously come back to life.

Divorce is not the end of the world. It is painful, yes, but it's also a path you have to travel if you want your life and your kids' lives to change for the better.

I live in Ohio and what is likely to happen is you will get shared parenting unless you are a total deadbeat. As is typical, your XW will be the custodial parent, but that doesn't really mean anything in terms of CS or how much time you spend with your kids if you're worried about that. All that is negotiable, so get yourself a good attorney who specializes in divorce with children.

I see my kids every Fri - Sun. I was terrified I would lose them, they wouldn't love me anymore, everything you can imagine. My XW threatened all kinds of crap, which it turns out, was exactly that.

Kids are tougher than we give them credit for. And they learn to adapt. They are much happier now that they no longer see mommy and daddy fighting or not speaking. They have told me this countless times.

My oldest is now 15, and youngest is 12. They are both straight-A students.


So don't accept it any longer. Why should you be miserable for the rest of your life? What does that accomplish? She gets the best of both worlds and you get what?


You are not breaking up your family. She did that. You have a right, parent or not, to be happy. You're not doing your kids any favors, either. They can sense things aren't right. You're trapped in some kind of hellish existence.

You will have to accept that you will share time with your kids with your XW. That is a fact of life after divorce. It's tough to swallow at first but you will adapt and so will they.

When my XW dropped the nuke on me, at 41, after 18 years of being together, I thought my life was truly over. Now, 4 years later, I have a wonderful girlfriend, my co-workers see how much happier I am, and my kids are doing great.

You know the path. You gotta walk it.

I'm just getting the ball rolling...after meeting with a counselor and a pastor, I was given the advice to totally blind side him...due to his current behaviors and his violence in his past. I hate to do it, but I have to keep my kids and myself safe. He assaulted his first wife a month after they seperated, and they were only married a year. We've been married almost 14 years. He gets suspisious and I get interrogated, but I'm trying to hold out until the kids are done with school and he gets a job (which he did today!!)...and to have a place to go and some money. Never thought I'd ever do this, but realized I've made a bad mistake...I knew he had a checkered past, but always thought there is good in everyone, but there is also a lot of evil. From conversations we had and a little shooting incident (holes are in my van door), I'm scared to death of not surviving the seperation. It totally sucks, but I can't keep living the way I am...I would have much preferred to have a sincere sit-down conversation about it, but according to the professionals, I would never get up. Almost got caught on the weekend with some mail that came and the result was trying to decide if I could call 911 before he pulled the plug.

Wen123: could you post your story? I've got some advice for you, but I don't want to hijack this thread.

You mean open a new thread?

In answer to your title question:
* Do see an attorney first (in my case I found out that documenting infidelity is harder than I thought and my WS has been uncharacteristically covert)
* Until you actually file, why tell your spouse that you are going to file?
* If you file, then generally I would say let them know. It seems kinder.

In my case neither of us has yet filed, but one of us probably will soon.

You may have other options besides divorce that would signal to your wife that you won't tolerate her behavior. Could you get her to move out of the house, or could you move out with your daughter? The point would be depriving her of your relationship and its benefits and giving her a chance to re-consider her behavior.

And beware of letting 'unhappiness' and 'not getting your needs met' drive your divorce. I'm pretty sure divorcing won't make you a happier person, though it may reduce some of your pain.

- WG

I vote just file - with no prior discussion of your plans. If your done, then your done. There is no point or reason to discuss or negotiate it.

In most states infidelity means nothing to the court. You won't get a better settlement because of it so don't waste time, money, or effort documenting or getting evidence.

The lawyer can guide you on what matters. Interview a couple to find the best fit.

For me, H has been talking D since Jan. I wanted to try so hard to reconcile but he refused. I cried and I cried. Then I found out the bas**** was having an A (just last week), spending a ton of money on air fare, hotels, meals, etc. When I found out I told him I still loved him. H response was "move on". So, I thought about it for 2 days and went to my atty. He was served and you know what he said to me? "The least you could have done was be considerate enough to tell me they were coming." Is he joking? In 6 days I have made a total about face. I cannot tolerate the sight of him now - he is disgusting to me and I want to be free of him. I was a fool for over 30 years.