Ok here is the long and the short of it. My parents have been together for 31 years and my dad wants to seperate from my mom. I personally think they should have seperated years ago. They have both cheated on each other my mom would let me dad beat the crap out of me anytime he felt the I had did anything wrong regardless or not if I did or didn't. Anything my siblings did he thought I had put them up to it and beat me for that to. I was the family scape goat. I would ask my mom to divorce my dad almost daily. I hated him because he treated me like crap and I hated her because she let him and did nothing to protect me. He didn't work all he did was sit in his room all day and watch tv and when we got to loud he would tell us to be quiet. He was a brilliant man but I feel he had no common sense. He know almost every book and every author ever mentioned but he was so cold and unloving. He had been married prior to my my mom and his marriage as had she and they both had kids from those relationship. My mom sent my two older siblings to live with my grandparents because they did not like my dad and I don't think he liked them either. His first wife was only 16 when they got married and she had two babies for him. Well she left my dad because she wanted to have a life. My mom and dad got together before they divorced. She got pregnant with my sister and I and they got married well they had a bad relationship for as long as I can remember. My dad withdrew because he felt like my mother and grandmother turned us against him. They would tell us we didn't have to do what he said because he wasn't doing anything to help take care of us. My mom worked two jobs and he did nothing. I feel like I pretty much raised myself anything I learned I learned from watching my friends interact with their family and from tv. I would cook dinner and clean up to help my mom out and I was the only who would help out and you know what I got for my trouble. This food taste bland or you didn't do a very good job sweeping the floor. Anything I need done I had to learn to do for myself. Anything my dad ask my mom to do for us she would not listen and anything he told her not to let us do she let us do and anything he told us to do she told us we didn't have to. When I was about 5 years old my dad's two daughter's came to live with us and their mom didn't like our mom so she told us they didn't have to listen to her and they didn't and because my dad wasn't working and she was struggling trying to make ends met by herslf she told him to send the girls back to live with their mom so they sent home and then their mom sent them right back and my older sisetr S said the last thing she remembered my dad saying to her is this " Why are you sending us away?" D: Because your momma couldn't keep her big mouth shut. Well that was the one of the last things we heard from them. Their mom went to jail for trying to rob a bank with her boyfriend while she was pregnant yet again. So the girls had no one. They ended up going to two different foster homes and back to their mom when she got out and staying with their grandmother for a while. I didn't hear from them anymore until two years ago when I found them on the internet. Needless to say it was a very emotional reunion. I ended up talking to them all day. I still keep in contact with them. I tried to get my dad to try and have some kind of R with them but he still hasn't tried but I guess I can't really exspect more than that because he never tried to have one with us either and we were right there with him.

Well since my dad has said that he was to seperate my mom calls me and tells me all of the mean things her says to her about her and us and I am dying. I don't want to turn her away but at the same time I hate hearing what he is saying. My dad and mom were hurt alot my mom got pregnant when she was 19 and my bother died when he was 5 and her fisrt husband use to abuse her and then he died when she was pregnant with my second brother. My dad's family treated him pretty much the way he treated me and he didn't know his dad. His mom even lied about his real name and dad he didn't find this out until earlier this year that his name was something different than what he thought because he couldn't get a birth cert. because the name he was using they didn't have anyone born in that county with that name. Well mom dad has been telling my mom he has wasted the last 30 years of his life with her and her children. Then he told her that he doesn't want a D he want's ti life with him so she can pay the bills with him and she said that if he is not going to have a R with her then she was not going to stay there just to help pay the bills. He also told her it's her fault that he didn't have his kids in his life. He didn't come to my grandfather's funeral or my GM, my aunt or my Uncle's I know it's because he felt like my family didn't like him. Well she resents him for not being there for her. She feels like if he wanted his kids there he could have gotten a job and helped out so they could afford to take care of them. I think because my dad is trying so hard to distance himself from everyone if my mother were to leave him I don't think anyone would want to have anything to do with him.

I don't know how to handle this. Can someone please offer any advice.

Wow. How has your relationship been with your dad for the last 8 years?

I don't really talk to him much but I when I do it's better than it has been. Since I have gone to counseling I have forgiven both of them and I am much better but I can't take being around them for long. I love them from a distance because it would hurt to much to do other wise. I even send him father's day card and b-day presents. I know that I had to do that to move past the hurt they caused me. I was angry for a long time until I met my H. When he loved me I knew that I must not be as bad as I thought I was because why would this wonderful man love me if I was. I can't believe I lost sight of how much he has helped me grow and I was willing to walk away from him until I came here. My H is the one who kept me from writing off my family of Orgin. I am still undecided if I am ok with that or not.

It is very good that you didn't write them off. On the other hand, their problems are NOT yours. You need to let your mom that she needs to see a counselor for her problems, and that it is too hurtful for you to hear.

So I wouldn't come off looking like the bad guy for not being there for her. She is looking for an IC now. How should I tell her this without hurting her? It is my fear because I feel like she is already going through enough.

You can love your mother, and still let her know that this is just too painful for you.

Part of overcoming childhood issues is learning to care for yourself, and know that their problems are not yours. In the same way, they need to care for themselves, seek counseling, change. That is just being healthy. It might not seem comfortable for you, given your upbringing. So you might need to discuss it with a counselor, or support group.

On the EN forum, they are excellent at this stuff. Try posting there also.

Thank you believer. I really appreciate your help. I agree with you BTW. Their issues are not mine.

You might try to get the Cloud and Townsend Boundaries book. It was really helpful to me. Before I used to think that everything was my problem. It was hard to change, but worth it.

Thank you believer I will definitely look into. If you have any other book suggestions I am all ears.

DIG...

Something that I've learned in counseling is that I became a sort of "surrogate spouse" to my mom when my dad was in a manic state due to his Bipolar Disorder...Ah the joys of the dysfunctional family, eh? Anyway, what I have done that I have found very helpful is to listen to only so much, and then I change the subject and I keep doing that until my mom tires of trying to tell me whatever I just can't hear...Or I excuse myself from the call...When in the thick of it, that has made things easier for me...

Hope that may help some...

Mrs. W

Mrs W that sounds like a good idea as well. Yes it helps a lot. You know what's funny is my mom would tune me out most of the time when I tried to talk to her growing up. Now I can return the favor.LOL

I need some kind words and encouragement. I have to say things have been going so well my DH and we are so happy yet right now I want to cry. It's like all I felt growing up me thinking now one loved me. That if I was good enough my family would love me, the getting ignored and beat. It's like when my mom told me that my dad said he wasted 30 years of his life with her and her kids just made what I felt feel more real. Like he had affrimed what I thought to be true. I feel so depressed. Then I took my oldest DD to gymnatics class and seeing her and how well she was doing made me so proud, yet sad because when I was growing up I really wanted to do that but my mom wouldn't let me because her reason was I may get hurt. I didn't realize how much it meant to me back then but I wished my mom would have done for me what I was doind for my own DD and I just boo hooed. Why didn't they try and do better by us like I am doing for my kids? I think my kids make me want to be the best person I can be because I want to set a good example for them. Weren't we worth much to my parents if not then why? I would beg them to tell me they loved me and they would say why you are just using the fact that we don't as an excuse to act up. Since I have grown up I asked her why if she thought that this is what I was doing didn't they at least try and see if this was the case or not. She said she didn't know. They didn't tell me they loved me until I was 23. I feel like all that I am feeling now is because my mom telling what my D said is bringing back all those old feelings I thought I had moved past. What's funny is I feel better towards my sister's that were not raised with me because they didn't get a chance to hurt me like my sisters that lived with me. My sisters that lived with my were jealous of me. Growing up any boy I had a chrush on they would go after. I would tell them things that I was going through and then if I did something they didn't like they would throw it back in my face. Their boyfriends would hit on me and I would tell them about it and they would take it out on me. They were very crule to me and I tried to do all I could to be nice to them but it didn't matter. I remember when I first brought my DH then BF to meet them they trie to make him think I was crazy. The oldest one even brought out pictures of herself in skimpy clothes. I felt so alone for so long. I used to cry everyday and ask the lord please don't let me wake up in the morning. I would ask daily what did I do to deserve my family. When I told my mom my then BF had proposed to me she told me when he sees how I am he was going to leave me. Now do you see why I started to write them off? Being apart of anything they did was to hurtful. When we go home I stay with my IL's and my mom asked if I thought they were better than them I said no I just think they treat me more like family than you do. What's funny is I thought my foo was normal until I met him. That's when I realized that my F put the funk in Dysfuntional.