Found out a week and a half ago that my wife had met another, and begun an EA. It's beeing going on for ~1 1/2 mos and she thinks she's falling in love with him.

We've been married for 18+ yrs, 3 kids (17, 14, 12), and shes a stay at hm mom. Nothing but free time for friends and volunteering.

She's since told me she doesn't feel for me like she used to - although she still says she loves me.

She says she's been unhappy for several years, but has been suppressing these feelings.

She is pushing me away - emotionally / physically / mentally. She seems to be attempting to distance herself with every oppty.

She's had a lot of stress lately - we've been struggling with a troubled 17 year old - to the point where we've told her to go stay with friends because she (daughter) was so destructive to family.

Her father passed away 2 yrs ago - at the same time we were moving into our 'dream home' - she left for a week to go to the funeral and came home to a new place.

She doesn't deal with stress well - suppresses anger and stress and just doesn't deal with it.

When I found out I asked her to stop contacting OM. She refused - said she couldn't. (Contact has been all via cellphone to date, except for initial meet)

We've attended one couples counseling session, which then transitioned to us seeing separate counselors, as she insisted that this was 'her' problem - not related to 'us' or our relationship. Since then we've been separately once.

She was told by her counselor to stop contact with OM - she chose to continue that contact. Later that week, she told me she would stop contact while we worked on us, then broke down and started calling him again.

I told her to choose between working on 'us' or continuing the conversations with him. I also called OM and left him a voice mail - letting him know what he was getting into - married couple, devoted husband, 3kids, etc.

She went out that night, had a 2 hr phone conversation with him, and came home saying she'd stop talking to him while we were in counseling...

My issues / concerns :

She continues to talk about how much she wants to talk to him.

She starts conversations about how the things that I do now bug her.

She says she gets ancy (sp?) being around me, and has to get out of the house.

She says she's not being fair to me since she doesn't feel the same as I do.

She's not interested in attending seminars, couples counseling with me, reading anything, etc.

She's continuing to rewrite our history - doesn't have any good memories of us as a couple, struggles to remember the last time she enjoyed being with me, etc.

Is it still too soon? Does she need more time? Should I be expecting more/less/different responses?

help!!! I love my wife and desperately want to save my marriage!

Welcome to MB, and I'm sorry that these dire circumstances in your life has brought you here.

Be thankful that you have found a great site full of wisdom and information to arm yourself with in saving your marriage.

First and foremost, read the articles here on infidelity. Learn about Plan A and Plan B, which is your best chance in trying to break your WW (wayward wife) 's addiction to this OM. She is behaving atypical of someone in an A, which is truly an addiction, causing her to lose all sense of rationale and reason.

Buy the books "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" from this site. They are very reasonably priced, and are the basis for most of the advice you'll get from these forums.

The quick start guides are also good places to begin.

Hunker down for a long and difficult road in trying to save your M. It truly is a Herculean task requiring the patience of Job. God bless you, and seek the Lord's strength to get you through this trial.

How do I keep her focused on recovery? While she's agreed to stop contact, she's seemingly looking for a very short term resolution... feels like weeks is what she;s expecting.

I've told her that I'm committed - that we didn't get here in a matter of weeks or months, and we should both be willing to dedicate a significant amount of time to seeing if it can be restored... but she's noncommittal...

Who is the other man? Does he have a wife? or significant other? How does she know him? Is he from work? Friends?? The usual rule to follow is to expose this relationship to anyone who knows of it. Have you read about exposure on this site?

Exposure serves to take the set of interactions she is having with him out of the affair/fog world of fantasy and bring the interactions out into the light of real world daylight so that it can be seen for what it really is. In the fog world, he is her soulmate or potential soulmate, someone special sent to her for her and her alone-----blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., more blah and more...fill in the blank blah....

In the real world this is a relationship that is breaking up her marriage, destroying many lives, demeaning herself, etc. fill in the blank with reality as you know it. Trust your knowledge of reality as you are not the one in the fog, she is.

Read about exposure and expose this affair. Read first so you do it well. Don't threaten her or tell her you are going to expose--Don't get angry or emotional about the fact that you exposed. Read first about exposure and you will find more about how to do it. Then, do it.
Lake

OM is a 26 yr old that still lives w/ his mom. WW is 41.

I've exposed this to her friends, her family, etc. She was pissed. (so what, right?)

She continues to insist its less about him and more about the fact that she 'could' be that interested in another man... and have those sorts of feelings - that immediate connection - with someone else.

I followed directions on exposure, and have put a lot of pressure on her to break off contact. Which she has. But there's no interest in her part other than seeing a counselor by herself once a week to work on this, and she several times a day will tell me how hard this is, and asks how can I be happy being with someone thats not happy and doesn't want to be here. Seems she's looking for me to validate her feelings of wanting to quit / give up, and will use my agreement to justify walking away.

Have you exposed the A to his mom?

don't have home phone yet - cannot locate. probably an all cell household. Hadn't considered the value in that, but if she continues this I will take any/all steps.

She's pushing away - making statements that she doesn;t want to make any changes in our home life until summer break - that way it will have less effects on the kids - very pessimistic talk. Is this all fog?? How can I get her back?? How can I convince her / remind her of how much in love we used to be?