Hello, I need help!

I really don't know what to do, after speaking to parents and preist, I am confused. I am going through the most horrible time of my life. I don't want to eat and I feel bad. before I go on any further, I will say what is going on in marriage. First, my husband is somewhat immature at times. He sometimes doesn't take things serious or me. He doesn't worry about things as much as I do. Also, he is very careful with money at times, not all the times but at times because he doesn't have a good paying job as me. He can be tight. He is sometimes cold, like he doesn't take me serious for my birthday and on valentine's day, he didn't even say nothing, becuase his sister had an emotional problem. Another thing, since he had nothing to offer me when we got married, 8 months ago, my parents decided to let us use the next door apartment which is next door to their house, they are the owners, and they didn't want us to pay rent because they knew he couldn't afford it. We had been living in this apartment since we got married. My parents and family use the shower room and kitchen because their house is under construction, but they try to give us privacy. They never budded in or asked us for money. Their belief is that my husband would be treated like a son because of me. But, my hubby wouldn't take the trash because he claimed that others dirtied the place or kitchen. I would tell him that he had to be grateful for being in the place for free. I would ask him that if he didn't work, and their was no milk or groceries in the fridge, to get some , but he always responded that he never ate at the apartment while I was gone to work, so why bother. I would get upset because he wasn't acting like a family member. I would ignore when he spoke to me. I would call him names, put him down. To make a story longer, he just starting disliking my family. He didn't really like it if I spent time with them.If my parents went to the apartment to get something from the fridge or whatever, he would go to the bedroom and close the door. So we would fight constantly because I wanted him to love them as much as I do. But since he didn't, then when I would mingle with his family, I wouldn't really say much, I was quiet because it wasn't fair that I show manners and love towards them when he didn't do the same for my family. For any reason, I would threat him, and I would not give him sex when I thought he didn't deserve it. I would tell him that if he was tight about things, then no sex. But, just the other day, we had an argument because I took out 200 dollars to spend in a casino. and he was mad, and I told him he was tight and I told him I wanted a divorce. He got upset, and he started socking the steering wheel with his hand, while in the car. I didn't know what to do, so when we got home, I ran to my parents and I told them about our argument and they got upset. During the argument, he told me that I always give things to my parents like money and lending them the car. I told him that he was selfish. So when I told my parents about our argument, they were upset and hurt that after all they have helped him and treated him lilke a son, he was talking bad about them. So they advised me that he was no good for me and that he was a tight man who was going to always be crying about money. SO, i told him I wanted a divorce, because I was mad. WHen I told him, he didn't want to do it,but I told him that it was the best because of his tight attitude and our problems. When he was moving his things out of the apartment, my parents were there and he didn't even say thanks , he was quiet the whole time.He left without saying thanks or nothing. He just left me a note where we slept, the note said he loved me. We foughtt a lot. I guess because he is different than me. I was raised to not worry so much about money to the point of being cold and selfish. And his parents were the type to work and pay bills and make money. Well, I feel awful now, since he has been gone. I miss him. I feel empty without him. I did fight a lot, but now that he is gone, I regret everything. But he hasn't called or nothing. I wonder if I should proceed with the divorce? My parents and family tell me he is immature, ill mannered and selfish. But I love him even though at times he makes me mad, I love him. I felt comfortable around him. I am really scared for what might happen with me. I cry and feel bad. But at times I felt he didn't value me and took me and my family for granted. That is why I couldn't enjoy being with his family because he didn't care about mine. I guess what is confusing me is: should I stay with him even though he has been disrespectful to my parents.For I care for my parents and I will always help them, but I feel this bothers him. He hasn't called or looked for me. I am so scared he might want a divorce. I feel bad, I miss my partner. It' s only 8 months since we married.My parents tell me it is better if he don't get back with me because he is selfish and by his side I will suffer because he is disrepectful and selfish. He may not be a man like the other men who are really manly and he has a lot of defects, but I love him even though he is weird sometimes!

I don't see sufficient grounds for a divorce in what you are saying. There is nothing worse than a mean husband though, my husband is like that too and hate every minute of our live together. We have two children though and that changes everything, your husband should be happy that you work and bring money home. he shouldn't be unrespectful with your parents, that alone says a lot about him...Would you not be able to get your own place?, i wouln't like depending on my parents and maybe your husband doesn't like it either. but don't worry because if he deserves you he will come back. you are the one saying you wanted the divorce but if you are not sure about it, i would give your marriage another chance, 8 months is not a lot so things could change if you try harder. you are the one who knows him better and you are the one who must decide wether you want him back or not. your parents can advise you but you are the one who can decide. i never talked to my parents about my problems in my marriage and i am sure they would have advise me to split up and they might have been right. now is too late for me since the children arrived, it wouldn't be fair on them. things can be work out at if you both want to. i would give him another chance and DONT HAVE KIDS YET if your relationship is not stable. good luck

DB,

Wow...what a post. Would help me if you made paragraphs because it all ran together for me...I felt overwhelmed.

You're here. This is a marriage building website. And since I can't begin to understand all the dynamics, I'm going to ask some questions to help me get clear on what you're asking here.

Here's what I heard in your post: Right now, you are feeling a lot of emotions...pain, worry, fear, anger, resentment, frustration, love and confusion. These feelings are affecting your health, eating, functioning. They are very intense and change back and forth, all at once, maybe?

Eight months ago you vowed to be your H's partner, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, for richer or poorer, as long as you both shall live...what's changed? Did you only vow IF he did this and not this? If he said this and not this? Was your vows, which came from you, your promise, conditional on his behavior? Were you pledging to love him for who he was...and now, you didn't realize who he was?

Or did you vow because of who you thought he was...because you believe a marriage is good or bad based on your partner, not you?

Is this your first marriage?

I understand that you disrespect your H...you call him names, tell him who he is instead of what he does...you tell him he's selfish, not that you see his specific actions as self-serving? Why does he have to love your family as you love them? That's your requirement...because your parents said they view him as one of their own...then he has to view them as his parents?

I'm not completely clear...does he work? Do you both support yourselves separately or together? Do you believe if someone is kind to you, you must like them and be kind back? Do you believe you earn love and punishment?

Are you reading about how human relationships really work, in a healthy way, on this website? About Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), and the Four Rules of Marriage?

I ask because what I see is you making HIM the problem...and he's a person. You love him. You choose to love him. In all the judging you're doing, the DJs, the AOs, you aren't choosing to act respectful and loving...you're requiring him to love better.

Which isn't in your control. Seems like you both are learning about love and marriage...same place, same time...same vows. Hold yourself to your vows...you can't judge another person into changing...only you can change yourself. See where you strike at his very heart, and share when you feel your heart struck. Takes knowing you made the commitment...you're half of the marriage.

How would you profit from divorce? Would replacing him fix all these problems? Or would you take your half with you, with someone new? Do you want to be married over and over again? Or would you like a lifetime, side by side, because you know your power and limits, know who you are, and choose to do for your marriage, even when you don't feel like doing for your partner?

I'm not judging you...your pain is real. I want to help with clarity, which cures confusion...and for you to know you're not crazy...you're allowing a lot of influence from your family and very little regard for your H...that choice causes an imbalance. Makes understanding one another, you and your partner, very difficult, amidst all the judgment in your life.

We can't judge our way to love and balance. Not in my experience.

LA

A marriage commitment is a promise you agreed to honor between you, your husband and god.

Remember you promised to leave your parents and cling to your husband. I know it is really hard to do, but you are to treat your husband like you would the lord.

Please get yourself "Divorce Busting", "Love is a decision" You can get these at the local library. I never understood how I was to treat my husband until I read these.

I wish you the best of Luck and will pray for you.

Thanks for your reply. Now that he is not here with me, he still hasn't called or anything. Which makes me feel like I lost him. Anyways, I guess now that he is not here, I really feel bad that there were times where I didn't cook fo him because I was mad at him. I didn't share my money when he had nothing because I was mad at him. I didn't have sex with him because I was mad. And every time I got mad, I thought that by getting mad, he would change.

But now that he is gone, I really miss him and all I think about is if I had done things different, maybe all this would not have happened. But on the other hand, I think about how tight he is sometimes. Like when we go out to eat, he looks at the bill for a long time, and he will at times complain that it was too expensive. That gets to me, it gets me mad. Why is he thinking about money if I am his wife and that breakfast was for me??? Why is he weird at times. He shows no manners at times, he can be immature and ill mannered when it comes to money. When he orders at a restaurant, and his meal does not have a big portion of fries, he will complain that it is too little for his money. He gives me things, and if we get mad at each other, he will take them away, like a little kid. I feel unprotected like he doesn't care about me.

He has no sense of manners at times. I see other men who take care of the wife and who are really into protecting her and I don't feel like that, he is not the typical man. But he has never cheated on me and he has no addictions, he hardly even drinks. After work, he will come straight to the house.

One time he told me that I was his first woman in his life and that he don't know much about woman. Also, that he grew up in a family where his dad never showed love, all he did was work and make money. The fact he is very tight and ill mannered makes me fear about our future if we were to get back. I feel scared to get a house with him because I am afraid that if he makes the payment, one day we get in a fight, he might kick me out because he makes payments. I feel scared for our marriage. But I miss him and feel so scared that he may not return. He hasn't called or seen me to try to work things out. The day he left, he took out his ring and left it at one of the tables.

Greetings! I am sorry that this is causing you so much pain. The pain is real. However, from your post, you still have options.

One question I have is did your DH choose to live in the apartment by your parents or did he go along with your choice? I agree that many of his responses are not the most loving and supportive, but I am wondering if he is feeling badly about his ability to provide (the EN of financial support). It sounds like many of his responses seem to go back to he feels inadequate in supporting you. I would encourage you to talk with him about this and really listen. I suspect that many of your problems are tied to this, from your descriptions. Living by your parents may make sense financially, but he might be happier (then you would be happier, I hope) if you lived where he or the two of you together could afford to be, without depending on someone else.

Also, you stated about his background of a dad who never showed love. He may not understand how it makes you feel when he gives then take away. If that is how he was shown love, he is repeating what he knows. He can learn different if shown with patience and understanding.

Some suggestions are sitting down with him and, using the POJA (if he also agrees that this would be a good tool) discuss these issues. Make a budget with some money set aside for each of you to spend on what you want, yet have a plan to make sure the bills and basic needs are met for sure. This might make him feel less threatened and fearful of losing what he has yet give you the freedom to know what you will have to spend without worring that he is upset about it.

Lastly, a comment about families. They are wonderful and can be very supportive. My experience, however, is that they are supportive of their child, not necessarily the marriage that their child has chosen. You might need to tell your family that you love them and appreciate their support, but need the space and time to work out a compromise with your husband. Realize that their feelings and comments show concern about you. You will probably need to give up some of your wants (not needs, wants) to be able to meet some of your husbands needs. This is the way marriage seems to be.

I wish you luck and prayer that you can do this. You may need to make the first move to get things going, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Well, when we were getting married, he didn't have much money ecpet that of some wedding costs. We did look around for aprtments but he couldn't afford becuase of the down payment and costly monthly rent. Well, my parents own a duplex property, and next door to their house, they own a small, cozy apartment. They told us that meanwhile we save money for a house or whatever, that they would not charge rent, so that we wouldn't struggle. He accpeted the conditions. However, part of those conditions, were that meanwhile their house was repaired, they were going to make use of the kitchen, shower room, temporarily. (My parents rebuilt the entire=no where to go) My husband had nothing to offer me. SO my parents offered to help. they even lend us their mattresses, becuase we had nothing. Well, they treated him like a son. But while we lived there, I would get frustrated because he had no good paying job and I thoughtt that our situation would never progress. THerer were times where he didn't have money. I would put him down sometimes and tell mean things out of frustration. And sometimes, just seeing him seeing t.v would frustrate me. He wouldn't help with chores or taking out the trash. His attitude was that if a lot of people shared the apartment, then why couldn' others help out. I would tell him that it didn't matter. We should help out. So, I would then tell him that he was unappreciative. Well, the day he left, he didn't even thank my parents, even though they were there. Nothing, he was moving his things out and he didn't even thank them. All of my family doesn't like him anymore. This is his third time leaving, The first, i kicked him out because he turned off the tv on me, then the 2nd time, he left becuase he was frustrated and tired of me, This time, I told him that we should go our separate ways. It is tough!!!!

All I can say is there are some deep seeded issues between you and your H... kicking him out for turning off the TV???? How old are you two?

DB,

Did you read the response posts to your intitial one at the top of the page? What do you think of our questions? Our opinions?

You understand that not having anything when you got married...not a mattress, a place to live, nothing...was YOUR choice, correct? You decided you would get married anyway. Why?

Why not plan and gather, save BEFORE you got married? You're half the marriage, DB...your choices have consequences...YOUR H IS NOT THE PROBLEM...you each are half of it...and I don't see you owning your choices...did you study to learn what marriage was? Did you read books, go to a counselor, maybe counsel in a church to know how two becoming one wasn't magic?

I'm feeling a bit short of temper right now because I feel ignored. I put time and effort into my posts to you...and I don't see where you are responding to them...that's my perception, my truth, not the truth. I see a lot of venting without ownership, as if you're trying to convince yourself that you're powerless, he left..and you have nothing to do with your half of the marriage except to vigilantly point out all he did and didn't do...

When you're the only one here...fully capable of saving your marriage right now...fighting for it, learning and owning...so you can thrive in marriage...not vent.

Up to you, DB.

LA

You chose to run to and be with your family instead of being a wife and commited to a relationship with your husband. You gave him an ultimatum and he took it knowing that you weren't going to support his emotional needs. I think if you want to try to recover your marriage the ball is in your court and you need to go to him.

I can't help but think there is immaturity on both ends here, both should take the blame and both should work through the issues. I don't see grounds for a divorce here, sorry.

Chris