My wife and I have been married for over two years. I have never cheated in any relationship. I believe that if you are in a relationship your partner deserves your whole self. Recently, I have had a feeling that my wife was involved with someone that she works with. This person lived in Arizona, so I really wasn't worried about an affair. She would be on the phone with him constantly. They would leave messages in eachothers voice-mails.<BR>My phone bill got up to $1,000.00. I told her that it had to stop. She said that they were only friends and that she would stop. Shortly there after I found out that he and his wife had moved to North Carolina. The phone calls and secrets continued. I still thought that there wasn't anything to worry about. They were several states apart. <BR>Then one day I found out that her job was sending her to the same place that he lived. My suspicions grew into an obsession to know the truth. I did some sneaky things and found out that they were indeed having a relationship. I confronted my wife with my findings and she denied it. She said that she would end it and I want to believe her. I still do want to believe her. It hasn't been that long, only months, since this happened. She says that she hasn't had any contact with him. How can I be sure ? She could be calling him from work. In a couple of weeks I'll be out of town for a week. How can I be sure that he won't come to PA to "visit" my wife? Some one help me.<BR>

There is not a lot you can do when you are gone. If he comes to visit, you can't stop it. For your wife to be having a relationship, there are probably some needs that you are not fulfilling. Try to find out what they are and work on changing you in the marriage. Have you read "His needs, Her needs" or "Surviving An Affair". The latter is especially good. You could also be honest with her and let her know your fears. But do it in a non "Lovebusting" way. It could be your imagination running away with the bad thoughts. Good luck.<P>dzrt

Yes, my W and I have had problems. She let me know what she needed from me and what she expected. I gave her everything, including giving up my family. I also let her know what I needed and what I expected. She really hasn't done much yet to fulfill her end. She also informed me that she wants to move to the same city that the OM lives. We even took time to go there and see what it was like.

It sounds like she may still be having an affair if she wants to move to his city. Also, her not trying to meet your needs indicates that she is still involved. My w is having an EA with someone from another country via the internet and she is doing NOTHING to meet my needs. It is a one way street at this point, but I am making some small progress. If she insists that it is over, see if she will send the letter mentioned in SAA (Surviving...).

How do I find out for sure without our marriage exploding ? If she insists that it is over, and I continue to question it, than she'll only slip further away. I want to find him and his wife and make him suffer as much as I am. Right now he is living a lie with his wife and not suffering any of the consequences of his actions.

HE'LL GET HIS...they always do. just make sure you don't cause it, that usually backfires. do you beleive in reciprocity?

Yes, I believe, but how do I hold on. This is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I lay next to her at night and let my mind wander. The "what ifs" start right up. Like "what if she gets pregnant, whose baby will it be?" What can I do ? I haven't had anyone to talk to about this since it started. It feels so good to express what I'm feeling. When I talk to her about it, she says something like " not this again, I thought that we were through with this." She doesn't validate my feelings of fear and mistrust.

Yes, I believe, but how do I hold on. This is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I lay next to her at night and let my mind wander. The "what ifs" start right up. Like "what if she gets pregnant, whose baby will it be?" What can I do ? I haven't had anyone to talk to about this since it started. It feels so good to express what I'm feeling. When I talk to her about it, she says something like " not this again, I thought that we were through with this." She doesn't validate my feelings of fear and mistrust.

dzrt and covenant, thank you for your replies it is nice to know that people care.

Well....tap your phone, radio shack can help...look for gifts he may have bought her...go to webroot.com and get winguardian, that will allow you to monitor the computer stuff...if possible, bug her office, her car, check her purse and car for phonecards...inlist the help of OM's wife...I do beleive she is having an affair...if you need help email me at snooperhubby@hotmail.com<P>------------------<BR>

Well, some advice on how to catch her, try installing a caller id deluxe phone with memery redial and check the redial on the phone to see what numbers were called last, also cell phones keep the most frequently called numbers in a memory bank, access this these are some of the ways I caught my W who by the way is employed by Bell.. go figure, oh what a wicked web they weave... good luck

rob,<BR> Oops! my last message didn't get posted. I would still ask her in a safe way if their is something she could do to ease your fears. You must do this in a "safe" and non-threatening way. Be prepared for her response...it may not be what you want to hear. My w continues to deny the seriousness of her affair (she knows that I know about it). Last week, she told me it was just a "fling". BS. One thing I do know is that if you keep snooping and not give her space, she will feel pushed and could flee. This almost happened with my w. I now give her space and she is starting to treat me like a friend again, which is a start. You are lucky...I'm still sleeping on the couch..what I wouldn't give to hold my wife at night. I remain hopeful. If you haven't done so, please read SAA...it will give you a lot of insight into what you are going through and concrete ways to deal with it.<P>dzrt

excuse me please, i've had a couple.....<BR>prpare yourself if you snoop and find something, my hands shook with rage when i read the emails......be prpared also when you see the OM, mine weighrd more, shorter, and had less hair (NOT TO MENTION HE IS MARRIED AND HAS KIDS!!!!!)....look, i can admit to being insensitive and a genral a**, but shoot, ain't nobody deserve this.<BR>read- after the affair, his needs-her needs, stay busy man, it will eAt you up if you don't . don't allow yourself to dwell..listan to me, a couple of budwisers and i am a f******* genius!<BR>take care of yourself..visist <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.com</A> or buy the book. come back and post, we'll be here.

snooperhubby and cwa41, thanks for the ideas. I've already taped phone conversations, hell I,ve already called the OM. She still denies it.<BR>dzrt and covenant, well what can I say but I didn't think that anyone could feel as betrayed and screwed as me. I know your pain and wish you both alot of luck. <BR>I don't know if things between me and the W are going to improve or if the OM will get what he deserves but I now know that there are others that I can share my feelings with that can relate.

Robilar,<BR> This does not sound good. Calling the om will do you no good either, I'm sorry but if he is willing to cheat on his w with a married woman I doubt he will care what you have to sa. Of course you could tell him it stops or you will tell his w, but again it may not do you any good.<P> Also, you need to refuse to move to where he is. Why turn your life upside down anymore than you have already, only to put the two of them in the same area ?<P> I hate infidelity, people have no idea the devistation it causes untill it's too late.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Ok, so maybe calling him wasn't a good idea but how do you deal with the rage that comes over you. I heard my W say to him that she was going to wrap her legs around his neck. The thought of something like that makes me want to explode (after I throw up ). I've heard her voice mails that she lsft for him and his replies. The thing is she knows it and still it goes on. I've never taken anything more seriously than my marriage.<BR> If it is a fight for her that he wants than it is a fight that he is going to get. I just want to know how do you fight this fight without ruining the marriage any more than it is?

I'm not saying it was a bad idea, just that it probably will make no diffrence to him.<P> I know how muh it hurts to hear those things, when my h left me for the wildebeast (ow #1) years ago, I had to see them together, had to listen to her stupid @$$ tell me what he did in bed, like I didn't already know what he was like, we had been married 8 years before her. i wanted to hurt the girl, I tried everything to make her fight me, all I wanted was for her to swing first, but she was smarter than she looked. Believe me, it all works out in the end, she left my h for his best friend, and 10 years later he left her for another woman who was her friend. You do reap what you sow.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Dear Robular:<BR>Do you really want your marriage? Could you stay in it if you knew that she was still having an affair? If you truly want to know without her knowing...suggestion: hire a private investigator. You'll get all your information. If you don't think you handle it, don't do it. But, if you do hire one, what do you expect to do with theinformation. Even if you didn't hire a private I, and you found out on your own, what would you do? Just wondering... It's no way to live when a partner, who is suppose to be your life long partner is having an affair. How can a marriage go on? It can't. If she is haivng an affair, she probably thinks she has the best of both worlds. Why should she share your world with him? What are you going to do?

Robilar, <P>It sounds like she is having the affair, emotionally if not physically. She is not focused on meeting any of your needs. If you intend to fight for her it will need to be in the area of her needs. Unfortunately, she will be a taker for a long time. My W had an affair, but that is now over. We are separated now. I was trying to make an attempt at reconciliation when she told me she wants a divorce. I don't think I could want to make a go of it if the affair was continuing. I've found there is nothing that I can do to make her change her mind. It is her will and her decision. I'm hoping that time is on my side. Maybe someday she will find her error and change her mind.<P>I feel for you and your situation. Is counseling an option?<P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<BR>

Deb, I hope that he reaps it. He and she have reaped a lot of pain in my heart. They're both at fault. It just bothers me that his W hasn't a clue.<BR>Katya, I'm going to do what's necessary for me to have a little peace of mind when I go away. Right now I'm at work and she's at home. I know that she'll be talking to him. She'll be saying those things to him that she should be saying to me. <BR>7habits, Yes counseling is an option, but I don't think that she'll come clean to a counselor. She buries her feelings until she explodes. Normally I'm on the receiving end of the explosion. Before we go to counseling I want the truth from her. I can deal with the truth. The lies are what holds us back.<P>------------------<BR><BR>That Which does not kill us makes us stronger.<BR>