Jayne, I'm sorry that you felt so badly yesterday. I'm glad that you're getting good advice and support here. And I think that you totally hit the nail on the head about the depression not being treated adequately.

Jayne, you have been so helpful to me on my down days. reminding me that when I get back into porblem-solving mode, there are solutions worth trying. But that it's okay to retreat and regroup, too. To have a cup of tea and not worry about how work is going or how my M is going. Thank you for encouraging me to step out in faith and take the time that I needed to approach my challenges with new energy. Thank you for your contributions here, even when you're not feeling so on top yourself.

Kudos to your H for being supportive yesterday! It is SO HARD to stay happy instead of succumbing to situational depression when unemployed.

(((Jayne)))

Jayne-
I saw that you have been having a rough time. Doc's tried to put me on generic. NOT THE SAME! I dont care what they say. Got back on name brand and felt much better. However, my dose had to be doubled last week.
Something to think about:
at the end of your day, write down 5 things that went good for YOU! focus on the you part. Like, I went to the gym today and was able to go 5 more min. Not like, so and so called me and said something nice.
I dunno...works for me. Sometimes I have to put something on the list that is not DIRECTLY me, but it is kinda neat to look back on some of them. It makes it easier for me to self reflect.
I know it is not much but I hope it will help you like it helps me.
Luv YA!!!!

Hi missalot, I've been looking for you! I went and read your thread like you said, but then I couldn't remember where you were when you told me to do that! I'm so sorry for your loss. There's just nothing worse. You've done way more than I could have done. Hope your day is going better.

Jayne, I agree with the 5 things. I also like the advice my C gave me to put affirmations on papers and tape them to my mirror, and read them out loud - things I WANT to believe about myself, but don't yet. Mine were things like 'people think you're pretty' and 'people want to be your friend' - she said that if you fake it til you make it, those things will start sounding more and more realistic, until you can say positive things about yourself without wincing. I quit doing it when I moved, but I need to start up again.

Thanks y'all... I'm trying... I need to talk to someone... I'm sorry, I'm afraid anything I say will be wrong or may be used against me... I'm sorry for posting about non-MB-related problems.

Hi all you guys... thanks so much for the supportive comments and suggestions. I am trying them. H is helping. He's amazing, he really comes through in a pinch. Mick Jagger keeps running through my head... H doesn't always give me what I want, but sometimes, if I try real hard, I get what I need.

The past two nights he's actually spent time talking to me, even though that's his least favorite thing to do in the whole world. His willingness to talk me down from panic attacks is one thing that attracted me to him in the first place.

I'm exhausted. I am so glad you guys are here, I'm sorry I'm not up to posting anything substantial right now. I am reading your threads and others, and I see what seems to be an epidemic of sad feelings here right now. I feel guilty for coming here and saying how supportive my H is being, and for saying I'm struggling with depression for what must seem like no reason.

I thank you so much for posting to me even in the midst of your own problems. You guys are great.

First, we like hearing someone saying that something is working. It gives us hope! And second, just because H is starting to come around doesn't mean you're cured; depression doesn't come around in a day and it won't leave in a day. But it will, eventually.

Thanks, cat.

Can some of my five things be:
- I am not a politician or religious leader in the news, caught in some compromising position.
- Not everyone hates me. Heck, some people don't even know me!

H has told me that everyone in this house likes me. That's the most important thing, right?

He also said he would actively look for a job, someplace where we would both be happy, so everything doesn't depend on my income. He said life is too short to be unhappy, that everyone deserves to be happy. He seems to be taking seriously the need to look for a job now.

Jayne, what a turnaround! Congratualtions!

Thanks ears!

Yeah, that felt soooo wonderful, to hear him say he would take charge of finding a job and especially a place where we could both be happy. He's really stepping up to the plate.

Of course it hasn't happened yet... but he has a couple of ideas of places we could both get a job. He said he had thought I wasn't willing to move, and if I'm really willing to move then he'll really start looking.

So maybe that was a real hurdle and we've gotten over it.

He also said several times that he likes me and he loves me. (The liking part is important since I'm feeling like people don't like me right now... does that make sense? That I want to hear that he LIKES me too?)

Some history: he never actually "proposed" to me... he promised to a couple times, but never actually said the words... so one thing I asked was if he regretted marrying me, and if he'd do it over again if he had the chance. He said he was glad that we are married, and if he had it to do all over again he would. He said we have a great family. (I hope he isn't just with me because of the kids though! But I'm glad he's glad we have them.)

I don't know if this is relevant or not... but today, with my medicine, I tried cutting the pill into two parts and taking half in the am and half in the pm. According to the websites, the time-release is supposed to be ok with cutting the pills. Since the generic version problem is mainly with the time-release not working properly, as in most of the medicine is released in the first 5 hours instead of steadily throughout the day, I'm hoping dividing the pill will help. And I do feel much better tonight - able to cope. No panic attacks.

Sorry I went a little nutso, but thanks for listening!

Jayne-
Just wanted to see how you have been. I hope the splitting of meds works for you. Just be creful tho. Might want to talk to the doc about it too. My experiences have been that you don't always get on the right meds or dosage the first time. I am on my 4th. Seems to be working. however it is a struggle for me everyday. it is the same stuff my little Angel got into.
Glad to hear you are doing a bit better. you seem to have a very loving family. LUCKY GAL! I am always here for you if ya need to vent!
Luv YA!
Theresa

Jayne, I think you are going thru a "transition". Things are changing, you are looking at life differently, things may be unsettling. Things in your subconcious mind are trying to come out. You are working too hard and have too much stress also. Anxiety attacks mark this time.

I have given advice to Tama on how to eradicate anxiety attacks, maybe I will have time to find it for you. I eradicated my own anxiety attacks.

I hope you can face things head on and go thru this life transition and come out stronger on the other side. It will be like riding a wild horse sometimes. You can do it though. Intensive counseling with a great counselor really helped me.

Thanks miss and Stella!

miss - I'm glad the current meds seem to be working for you - hear ya, about the painful connection. *hug*

Stella - ah yes, I would love to hear your advice on eradicating anxiety attacks! Thanks so much. This transition, I'm sure you are right. I wonder what it's going to end up like.

I'm doing better tonight. The thing that sent me into a tailspin was that several days ago, someone told me about some horrible things one or more people were saying about me. Today I talked to someone else, and they didn't see how those accusations could be what most people thought.

I wish my emotions didn't depend so much on what other people think of me. Last night I watched Joel Osteen. I don't totally agree with "prosperity Christianity" or whatever it's called, but he has a lot of good things to say. Last night he talked about how we shouldn't let other people's opinions determine how we feel! If we are doing our best, then God made us and loves us and thinks we are great.

And yet, I still didn't really feel better again until this other person told me they thought I was ok. Oh well.

I so understand that feeling. Were you not validated as a child? That was my issue, and I've spent my whole life trying to 'prove' I'm worth existing and that people should like me. If I could just cross over that bridge to the other side where I'm distanced from them, everything would change, I think.

OT, but it is SO weird to hear people keep talking about Joel Osteen. I remember when he was just a kid in his dad's church here in Houston. Did you guys know that their church bought out our hockey stadium/concert hall and renovated it so they could fit in their congregation? I've always wondered why people enjoy being part of something that big, where no one knows your name and you have to make an appointment if you need help. Good psychological question, about the type of people who feel drawn to that kind of church, as opposed to those who go to a 200-member church. I kind of equate it to a home owner versus a condo owner - roll your sleeves up and work type, versus pay someone to take care of your 'place.'

Jayne-
Just wanted to say HI! I have been having a rough time lately. I am so happy to see all the positive transitions in your life tho! It gives me a warm fuzzy.

P.S. don't you EVER feel guilty for having a supportive hubby! YOU helped get him there! Be proud!
Luv YA!
God bless

Hi miss, thanks so much for saying hi! I know you're having a rough time *hugs* I wish there was something I could do to help. Please know you are in my prayers and thoughts. You be safe, ok? I read your other thread, and I'm concerned. I think you'll be ok going back home, and I still think that's the best thing for you to do, I just think you need to take steps to make sure you are safe - and keep that little boy safe too, even emotionally.

I'm pretty sure you said you won't have internet connection once you move back home, I think the others missed that. If I'm right you are probably home right now and won't be able to read this for awhile. My prayers are with you, and I hope you can let us know soon how it went.

cat: "Were you not validated as a child?"

Hmmm, you probably have something there. My childhood, kinda complicated; wonderful father who passed away when I was in 4th grade; bizarre (narcissistic?) mother and abusive step-dad.

Mom's validations would be bizarre to non-existent. Inconsistent with what was really going on. Like being pleased and saying "good" in a parent-teacher meeting when the teacher said I talked too much in class.

In junior high I stopped letting her see my report card... not because I got bad grades... but because I didn't want her taking pleasure from my good grades! It was less like she was pleased with *me* and more like she was pleased with *herself* for having a smart daughter... more about her than me, if that makes sense.

I can't imagine NOT trying to prove my worth and getting people to approve and like me.

I read your story about your step-mom being disappointed when your father gave her a $2000 sewing machine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I got a phone call yesterday, right before I left for work... it was the father of a dear friend... who had passed away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He was only 37. The last couple times he called, I was too busy to talk...

I need to send the father an email now. I'm not sure what to say. I feel sort of guilty that I didn't start crying on the phone or show emotion, but my kids were running around laughing and H was waiting to drive me to work and them to school. It was awkward and I didn't know what to say... I went into the bedroom to continue the phone call, and H knew enough from what he heard to keep the kids out.

Wow. Several years ago, before H and I were married, my best friend passed away a week before T-giving. During one of the phone calls discussing memorial service arrangements my mom came in *loudly* laughing and talking about what she had just bought at the mall... again I ran to the back bedroom so the person on the phone wouldn't hear her laughing, but she followed me into the bedroom and acted like she had no idea why I didn't want her to be overheard...

Thank goodness H is smarter about such things than my mom.

Sorry for the morbid post.

(((jayne)) I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Take good care of yourself, honey.

Thanks ears. You are great.

I'm sorry about your friend. That is so sad. I worked with a man at NASA, we went on trips together to DC to work on a project; about a month after we finished the project, I was told he had died of a heart attack. He was 36. Those things are just so unplanned for.

It makes total sense. My mother, I always had the sense that she never really planned to have kids; she even admitted it at one point. She got pregnant in nurse's training, moved to California so no one would know, and then met and married my dad. He always wanted a son, and I guess wasn't that interested in my brother since he wasn't really his, so I worked really hard to be a tomboy to please him. So hard, in fact, that to this day I'm embarrassed to be caught doing things women take for granted, like looking at myself in a mirror or fixing makeup. It manifested into me not wanting to be me, you know? And my mother...well, she never played a single game with us. Never did anything around us but sit and read, or play solitaire, or watch tv. So I always had a sense that I was just along for the ride. So I totally get it.

At least we can look at it all objectively now, though, and learn from it, which is more than most people do.

Thanks cat. I'm sorry to hear about your friend too. They were both too young. It happens so fast, and it's hard to believe I don't get to talk to him one more time.

It makes me want to appreciate my loved ones while we have the chance.

So ears asked what I'm working on nowadays... and why I'm all over the map with my posts. Right now we are heading into finals, and things are very stressful at work, I have several projects that I'm way behind on... things are going well at home but mostly due to H being understanding. I can't take credit for that.

Unless... ya know, it seems our M goes better when I'm too busy with work to think about the M. That may be enough to satisfy H, and he probably likes me not asking for things like talking or filling out questionnaires.

Lately I haven't been working on anything in our M, just trying to keep my head above water at work, and weathering a couple of bad news.

I am being good about not LBing. I've been trying to let him know how much I admire and respect him too. And I really do. When he said he'd take care of things if I wanted to quit my job and move somewhere else, he shined like the hero I fell in love with.

Ears, it's really cool that you sent me that link to guided relaxations. I've been googling for something like that. I used to have a great tape but I have no idea where it is now.

Thanks for the gentle reminder to stay on track. If I can get through next week, I think I can go back to working on things... oh except my mom is coming out here for Christmas... yikes, I need to prepare myself for that before she arrives.

Thanks for the comments, and thanks for listening.

Sometimes the breathers from 'fixing' things helps, too. Gives us a chance to see different versions of the M, I think, so we can get a better handle on what we really want it to look like.