Hello all,
Discovered this site 2 weeks ago and been reading. I feel that there's still light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you guys could give some help in my predicament.
I am 47 and my H is 49.Married for 20yrs in June, 2007,stormy at times. Children D19,S16 and D13. I found out about my WS affair in Jan,07 through cell phone bills, text messages, emails and PI help.

Aftr a month of questioning and denials, he finally admitted to the affair on 15th Feb, but said nothing physical happened. reasons for the affair, he was unhappy due to neglect and lack of care affection from me. The OW is working for the same multinational company in a neighbouring country. He was working in that country for six months before his transfer back here and the OW was his assistant.
Upon his admittance to the affair, he said he was sorry for putting me through the pain and it won't happen again. I readily forgave him but could not forget(yet). I agreed to give the M a chance, without any conditions and demands . I expected him to do the honorable thing and cut off all contacts with OW keeping to bisness conversations only as they work for the same Co. We started off being more affectionate, sent lovey text messags and emails to each other as he works 200km from where live and comes back home for weekends only. I felt good again, even my blood pressure returned to normal during those times. I've a history high bp for eight months now.
Three weeks later, I found out that they had been talking to each other and text messages exchanged. I didn't mention this to him but continued to be affectionate and close to him. Told myself I should persevere to save the marriage.

First week of April, I found out that the OW was here attending the same 3 days conference as WS. He never mentioned info to me, before or after the conference. I have no solid evidence that he stayed with her but I do know that he did not stay in his apt those 3 nights and after the meeting he sent her to the airport and later drove the 200km home. Checked his mobile phone that evening, and felt like being down to ****** all over again after reading the msg exchanged between them.
I kept my cool, until the next morning when he got mad at me for not settlng the insurance regarding my minor car crash the other day. Saying that I had a whole week and not done anything, Annoyed, I replied in icy tone that the police documentations had taken sometime beyond my control and have done all I call.
Sensing my annoyance he said, I wanted to pick a fight. Told him that I do not wish to do that and he shouldn't accuse me of not doing anything to settle this matter. He shouted and said that all what we had been doing the last month was SUPERFICIAL !! This really hurt and got me mad and I kept quiet and put the silence wall up. Except for the necessary polite exchange of words in front of the children.

This went on for two weeks, although still hurting, I thought to myself. I give another go and be nice to him. He responded and we had sex again but this time, my mind kept thinking of him with the OW and I could not enjoy it anymore. All over, I felt so low and without dignity. the next day he wanted sex again but I couldn't respond anymore. He was not very happy with this. I askd him to fill in the EN questionare,( he asked what it was and I said to him 'to know where we had gone wrong') but he just tossed it to the other end of the dining table. I picked it up angrily
and threw it to the garbage can.

Since then (29th April) we have distanced further. He went back to work last week but did not come home this weekend. spoke to him briefly on friday aftrnoon about the car and he called late friday nite to say he was not coming home that nite.
I still love him but feel so lost on how to make it work. My trust is gone. Don't know if I can hang on to the rollercoaster much longer.
My only solace it the company of my children. I am thankful, my eldest daughter is back from college and she has been a good source of support to me. I find it very difficult to talk to him now. I was thinking of writing him a letter or email. Not sure if that will help. after going thro' MB site, I think I may have jumpd direct to Plan B. Help!





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Hi SadButNotOut,

Sorry you had to go through this, most of us on here are going through similar things.

It might be a PA if he wasn't at his apartment the 3 nights. Were you able to call him and talk then? Being away for long periods of time is difficult. Have you thought about moving to be closer to him? I would recommend getting Dr. Harley's books and reading them through quickly as soon as possible, then read them again and take notes. Read the notes in your spare time. The idea is to keep in mind what is going on, because during the time the WS is having the A, you'll be being sent very confused messages from him (love, avoidance, abuse, affection...) it will change from day to day.

I would guess you are still in plan A. During this time, do not get angry or make demands, those are love busters and they'll only make things worse. Show him love and caring, more than you would have before the A. He told you "he was unhappy due to neglect and lack of care affection from me", so I would guess those might be some of his top ENs. When he is home, get dressed up and try to get him to go out with you somewhere fun to do some things that he might enjoy. The idea is to make it easier for him to be happier when he's with you.

I'm sure he still loves you, but his head is in the fog. The OW is not a great catch if she'd be seeing a WS, and this will eventually dawn on him as he finds she's dating an OM after she realizes he's not divorcing you or stopping coming home to be with you. If you want to really drive a wedge between them, be very loving with him sexually, and tell him what you want too. Do all the things that go along with this, exercising, eating right, makeup, etc... I know there is resentment, but a lot of that is from anger. To get around that, don't be angry, instead, tell him you feel hurt because you love him when the A discussion comes up. The reason is that anger from you will make him feel that you deserve his having the A, he'll think it's OK then. If you make demands, he'll again feel entitled to do otherwise because he's not there all the time with you. He'll also start feeling some guilt over what he's done and will miss having been faithful to you, someone he loves, that loves him. In plan A, it's you doing what's necessary to have him see you as being who he loves, by giving him your best so he knows what he'll be losing.

The OW won't stay around for him and if she does, she's not a great catch, you are. He has lots of time invested in you and loves you, or he'd have left you before now. Use this plan A time to your advantage. Plan A is about 6 months, do all you can to show him love and caring. The OW doesn't have anything else to offer and what she's offering will typically die off over that time.

No one can predict how these things will turn out. Dr. Harley has some very good points in his books, different cases discussed and what to look for or do to get through it.

God bless,
CS

CS,
Thank you for your advice and support. By the way, the OW is married with 2 kids, in her mid thirties.
Have to attend a charity luncheon at an Old folks home now. Catch up with you later.
Thanks again,
SadbutNot Out

SBNO,

Have you exposed to his company? Do they have a policy against sexual harrassment, her being his assistant? Have you informed her husband of their affair?

CS's advice is right on...part of Plan A here on MB. Read up on all that Plan A involves...you've naturally done a lot of meeting his ENs...what you haven't done is put into place truth...as long as he has any contact with OW, the affair will continue. That's an important marital boundary...there's no working with an ex-affair partner...'cuz by working with them, the affair doesn't get to "ex" stage.

I support your choice to save your marriage. You forgave too soon, though, and there's a great book by that name. You forgave his past actions at that point...then he has continued attacking his marriage. Do not forgive that yet. He's still doing it.

Have you read Harley's "Surviving An Affair" yet? How about the articles on this website about Coping With Infidelity?

You have found a great place to support you in your choice to save your marriage. Please know we have all had to go through this...you're not alone, crazy or wrong. Please know that your half of the marriage is as important and equal to his half of it...difference is you control your half; you can't control his.

Also, choose to believe OW isn't real...because she isn't. You are real love...she's fantasy. She's no better or worse...she's as much in fantasy as your WH is...she's not real.

Know you are.

In my prayers,

LA

Hi SBNO,

Expose to the OWH right away, he can work with you to end the A. There will be pressure on both of them and each will feel as if there isn't any real stability between them, either the WS or the OW could end it at any time once it's exposed. Expose to their work HR department.

Everyone is different. Read through the forums and pick up all you can that fits best with your situation. Plan A is all about you being the best you can be even under the worst of circumstances, your WS will remember that and will want that but won't find it in others while being a WS. You have history, stability and love on your side, they are big advantages he can't get from anyone else.

His not filling out the ENs questions is typical WS attitude. He will be more willing to fill it out over time. If not, you could ask him the questions over the phone during the week, maybe wording the questions more like it's you asking him. Or it might work well to tell him you want the questions answered during the day when he's home as a requirement to being close later. Plan your time with him so whatever works has a chance to work.

Some ENs can be guessed by you without asking him. You know a lot about him, and some ENs are globally predictable for both men and women, by those closest to them. He will be more apt to fulfill your ENs as time goes on. Make it known what your ENs are, remind him while telling him you love him. Don't make your ENs demands, just remind him and tell him what you'd enjoy or would make you happy. Men are sometimes dumb because they assume they already know what a woman's ENs are, but they often times don't know, or were to busy to think about it, priorities were set wrong, that kind of thing.

Don't let him blame you for the A, that was his choice. An A is not a good solution to anything. The M needing work is common, both partners can improve the M, and both should. During the A, he will be difficult at times, expect it and keep showing him love during plan A, it will bring him back as the A falls apart. Hopefully you won't have to plan B before that. Plan B is when you feel you have about no love left for him and almost don't care what happens to him. It's sad that it would sometimes have to come to that for two people that loved each other so much.

God bless,
CS

Hi LA and CS,

WH has been with this company for only a year now, and me living 200km away from his place of work have given the opportunity to get to know his colleagues. I've only exposed the A to a priest, whom I went to see when I confirmed the A (before WH's admission) and to my oldest daughter about ten days ago. She cried.

As the OW lives in another country, I have no means of contacting OWH. Upon WS transfer back to this country, OW is no longer his assistant. I blieve the office do know of the A but everyone seem to be minding their own business on accepting it.
Anyway right now I feel too much hurt to even talk to him on the phone. i think OW was with him at the weekend. Not spoken to him since Friday and has not called me at all. He called my daughters on their cell phone on sat and sunday though. My eldest D did ask where he was and what is he doing? He told her he was working at the office. But my GPS traker on his cell says he was at the apt at that time. He's lying to the kids!!!! I do miss him terribly.

Don't know how I can get over this and start giving him lov and affection again to save M. One of our main problem all along was communication.
Should I just ask him outright whether he still want to be married to me? Me or the OW?
I have been praying for guidance and answers. You guys are one of the answer.Thank you again guys for your support.

Ever grateful,
SBNO

Hello out there,

Can anyone help? WH came back home this weekend. I couldn't get myself to talk to him about the A and OW. Instead, I just treated him nice and cordially.I checkd thro' his cellphone, he had been talking to OW everyother day for 1 and 1/2 hours each time. Even on the way home, he was talking to her for at least an hour!!
By sunday nite, he initiated intimacy. I couldn't go thro' with it but we just held each other without saying anything. In the morning he initated sex again and I caved in but I kept thinking of him with the OW and felt very awful and used later.
Monday WH sent my daughter back to college which is 2 hours drive. Throughout the day there was no LBs even though he returned glummed face and in foul moody. He initiated intimacy again that nite, putting Plan A to work I responded.

This morning before he left for work ( away until friday) he kissed me and said I love you. I couldn't say out those words to reciprocate. I sent him a text message asking how his day was. He replied 'very busy'. that was it. I am now very confused and hurt here.
Can anyone tell me. Am I on the right track here?
How do I open up to ask about the A and the marriage? An propose NC. Communication has always been a major problem in our 20yrs of marriage. I could never explain myself well and that exasperated him. He's the opposite. very articulate wiity with words.
Please help MBs.

Did major LB. WH wanted intimacy over weekend. Still angry, the he is has been in contact with OW, I couldn't reciprocate his advances. He got mad. He got mad, I explained to him why,. I told him that I am hurt that he carrying on with OW. He now says, he has given up on the marriage. and wants go leave. I said ok but do it after DS's final high school exams in Dec. I agreed happily.
I panicked and started off asking him not to rethink and we can work out. He said its too late. He is tired of trying to make M work all these years. He has been verycold since.No intimacy at all now. He has not denyed nor admitted to PA. He is so defensive of the OW. He said I shouldn't blame her for the break up of the M.
Asked him not to give up for the children sake. He said 'why should I give up the rest of my life for the children, when I am in this miserable M.
Help, you guys. I am really at a lost now. I want to make the last six months to have my husband back. HOW do I do it.
PLease advice...

SBNO

Hi, Sad.

Here is an opportunity to negotiate with your hubby.

"Hubby, If you will provide me with ongoing proof that you are not in contact with other woman in any way, and you will have full panel STD testing done, then just as soon as I get your test results, I promise we will go at it like bunnies for days and days. I love you. Surely if you care for me, won't you protect me from disease."

Gimble

This is standard WS stuff. It's part of the Wayward Spouse Script. When he talks about having been miserable for a long time, that it's not OW's fault, that he's through with the marriage and wants separation--that's FogTalk.

When he communicates with OW, is it on company time? Using company resources? You need to break up the affair, and exposing it at work is one of the most effective tools you have.

Hi sdguy038,

Had talk again with WH regarding the separation, started of well but later turned ugly and painful after i told him to reconsider the separation. He listed all my failings or hurt that I had inflicted unto him from day one to year 20 of our M.
Anyway he reluctantly agreed to reconsider. But he later found out that someone had tried to break into his email account. He questioned me about it and I denyed. Bad idea!! Hours later I called him at work to confessed, apologised etc. because I knew he will get to find from Google where account breaking was done. He just asked me why I did and said ok.
One of my faults he told me last night was dishonesty. So I believe now he is really MAD**#! he has not called me since.
I may have pushed him too far now to be able to act on Plan A.
My reason for the email break was to get info and proceed exposure of A to his office. I didn't not tell him this though.
don't know what say to him now. I would like to be close to him again.
Any advise.

After listening to WH tirade, I feel as if I am all to blame for this M breakdown. He's righteous and says he has no regrets on his efforts to work this M all these years. Damned Him!!!!.
Venting out here.

WH is called early yesterday morning. He said ok. he's willing to give another chance. he says he cannot trust me anymore. Said I betrayed him again (denying abt the email break) only hours after we agreed to call off separation. Kept my cool and did not react. although my thoughts were saying 'Look at yourself in the mirror!!!'.

Anyway, I said ok but I have a request, i..e no more secrets regarding OW from now on. He said I am too demanding and in no position to demand anything. Explained to him that We need the OW issue resolved to move on. He just hung up and have not called since. neither has he replied my text messages and emails regarding other issuses. Thought I refrain from bringing the M issuse for awhile. Was that an LB to request that? Should I have just swallowed my heart accepted on his terms?
MB vets out there, can you advice how to go on plan A without NC. I know the Harleys states NC is a must. what if WH just wants to cake eat?

Most of them continue wanting to cake eat. That is the point of Plan A, to show them that you are the more attractive alternative.

The best thing would be to contact her husband. That would probably end the affair. If that is impossible, I guess you can't.

Keep reading about Plan A. Sounds like you are doing okay. Your husband's nastiness and anger will go away when he has no contact.

Hii believer,
Thanks. I would love to contact OWH but he lives in a neighbouring country. OW gets to come to this country at least once a month on company business. And if she wants it more she could easily fly in on her own expenses. it's only 1 hour flight. I'll work on the Plan A on homeground, I guess.

Hope you are right. he's nastiness is so humiliating at times.My self respect is at a low now.

These affairs never last, so you need to be prepared to wait it out. Don't talk relationship talk. You can calmly let him know that his seeing the OW is very hurtful to you and the marriage.

Also think carefully about having sex with him. I would ask him to get checked for diseases first.

Believer,
You have such faith. I wish I could say the same for myself. Got to know OW have been in town again last week (24th). He had his phone off all nite. he was back home for the weekend.

Checked his text messages.He was talking about her moving to this country and she about little princesses. Calling each other hubby2 and wife2. Its getting very very serious. Too painful for me. I should stop reading his text messages to keep away the pain. He does not even bother to delete them and leaves his cellphone lying around the house. Enticing me to read them???
There was no relationship talk this weekend. did my best to be nice to him despite his coldness. What next??
Got to go.

He is eating cake. Exposed A to his family,. His sister is in suppport for me. She called him.
Last week he said he will discontnue relationship with OW but maintain professional relations. I agreed only as its the only way for me to carry on Plan A. I did not believe him. He didn't show any remorse.
Checked his cellphone today he had been on the phone with her earlier on for 45mins. He now has labelled her number as unnamed. Idiot, I've seen that number too many times I know it a mile away.
It hurts and i don't know how I can continue being at my best or meet his needs now. Anyone pls advise.