One week and 2 days ago, DH came home from work, sat me down on the sofa and told me he doesn't want to be married anymore, that he doesn't love me and hasn't loved me in years. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. In fact, I thought our marriage was better than ever. We had just been out together the other night. We were still having sex. We were cuddling together at night more than ever. And we had just signed up to play on the same baseball team together. But he had not made this decision lightly - he had been acting as if something was wrong for about 2 weeks (but it could have been anything like work or whatever - he wasn't specifically upset with me). He refused counselling and refused any other option other than divorce. He had even figured out how to best split the house and other assets. He also knew all the legal procedures for doing this as quickly and cheaply as possible. I am crushed.

I spent that first weekend (he told me Friday the day before his birthday) crying all alone on my sofa. He would leave the house at 6 am before I got up and not return until after I went to bed. A couple of times he came home during the day but when I attempted to get some sort of explanation, he would yell that I'm not listening and leave again.

At the advise of friends and coworkers, I opened my own bank account Monday and transfered some money from the joint account. I also had my pay switched to go to the new account. Meanwhile the same behavior continued - he stayed out late and left early and any interaction between us resulted in him taking off. By Wednesday he found out about the money and FREAKED OUT - blaming me and asking how I could do such a thing when he's looked after me all these years (14 married + 3 living together). However, this turned out to not be such a bad thing since when he calmed down we actually sat down and I found out about the OW.

So here's what I'm left with. He wants a divorce ASAP. He says he's willing to walk away with next to nothing (though I don't trust this given his reaction to the bank account). He doesn't want to make any attempt to save the marriage. He even said he was hoping that I felt the same way!!! I haven't been able to stop crying, but he's already started the "division" of everything and if I don't get my head screwed back on quickly I'll not only be alone, but I'll be out on the street. I have an 18 year old son in college (previous marriage but current H has been his dad since age of 1) and his tuition is $1100 per month. I have talked to legal services at work and though I can get child support to help pay for this, because I make more money I'll have to pay him spousal support if he drags me to court.

So I've got this whole financial mess to deal with but my emotional state is crippling me. How do I protect myself and still do Plan A? Especially since he is already in Plan B? I don't even think the A hurts nearly as much as the fact that he hasn't loved me in years. I feel like I've been living with a stranger for 17 years. And all of the things we worked so hard to build up together - we started as starving students and now we have a house and take vacations - he is destroying all of that too. I honestly hate him but I still love him too.

I don't really know what I'm asking for. I don't think there is any hope. He has made up his mind and is basically waiting for ME to accept it. I'm a complete train wreck and totally unable to make a decision, yet everything I do now will affect me for the rest of my life. How can he do this to me?

Hi "Blindsided", welcome to MB.

Going by what you've written, your WH is a WS caught in the grip of an A. Don't believe anything he says about not loving you for the past 10 years - re-writing history is part and parcel of the WS package. Don't expect much sympathy or empathy from an active WS either while they're caught up in their fantasy.

Your aim at the moment should be to bust up the fantasy, and the best tool for that is exposure. Is the OW M'd? Do they work together? How long has the A been going on? Find out as much as you can about the A, then expose it to all parties that can help bring it to an end.

BTW, expect a vicious response from your active WS when you start busting up his fantasy. You got a glimpse of that from him when you took the steps you did to secure your finances. Forewarned is forearmed.

Yes, OW is married. She has also asked her H for a divorce. I don't know her or him. I wish I could talk to him. I so badly need someone to share this pain with.

Why does he want to move so quickly with the divorce? It is all so out of control. I can't stop him, he is so determined. I hate him for what he's doing but I still love him too. And he insists that he doesn't and hasn't loved me in years. That is what hurts the most. That and he won't even try.

If you know who she is, then you could find out who he is. I suggest snooping as much as possible until you have the information you need, then contact him. He may have details about the A that you don't know, and vice-versa.

Do your H and the OW work together? If so, exposure at the office may help as well.



I suggest resisting any attempt to do this with the OWH. That could lead to an even more complicated situaton.



It's the A fantasy bubble. The WSs can't see anything else but themselves, and care little for the hurt they cause to anyone else. If you want your M to survive this attack, one of your main goals should be to pop that bubble.

Hi Tabby1,

Sorry to read about your H becoming a WS, the change is very rapid, I've seen it myself and it is a real shock when it happens. For me, I woke up in wet sheets for about 2 weeks and couldn't remember anything I dreampt about. I'm glad can't, the dreams were probably horrible. I'm glad I'm past that.

What you need to do right away, is get information that helps explain what your WS is thinking, what he'll be doing, and how you can respond to it for things to go well for both of you. I'd recommend getting Dr. Harley's books shipped to you ASAP, read them quickly so you know what's going on. Make notes and read the notes in your spare time. Keep in mind what is happening from the overall perspective, so you'll know how to deal with your WS. He will be acting in a very confusing manner, many times abusive, arrogant, then loving, affectionate, then in general, crazy. He'll be doing some of the same things with the OW over time as he can't make up his mind and won't know how to tell her that. It's very easy to react in the wrong way and have it all fall apart. With information, you can respond in the right way and you can then help direct how it will turn out. There is no guarantee of anything, but you'll have more influence once you know more and have a plan of action to follow.

The A is wrong and everyone knows it, it has low probability of working out the way the WS's want. How ever it turns out, things you can do to help yourself would be to work hard on improving everything around you, so your WS sees you are the best choice. This means cleaning up everything around you. Exercise, a lot, it strengthens you, helps lower stress, and physically helps in overall attractiveness. Get lots of sleep. Spend some money and buy new clothes, get your hair done, make up, and start being more outgoing with others. You want him to see that you're getting active socially and he'll start to remember why he is married to you.

Do not show him any anger or make demands. Those are love busters and they can only work against you at this point in the A. The OW won't be showing your WS any anger or demands, so you need to do the same right now. Take that negative away so he can't compare you with her over it. If you feel like showing anger or making demands, don't do it. Instead tell him you love him and feel hurt over it. He will feel some guilt because deep down, he still loves you, so guilt is good in reminding him of his love for you. He is actively comparing both of you and his mind is all messed up, he isn't thinking clearly at all. He has no history built up with the OW, you have history with him. If he could think clearly, he'd be with you. Next is to give him lots of love, which is counter intuitive, but that's what the OW is doing. Level the playing field and he can then see better.

Plan during the day. Find out what his emotional needs are and try to fill them. The 2 weeks time is awful, I'm sorry you're at that point in the A. Believe me, it will get better as you start doing the plan A and your WS starts to behave in a more civil manner. You'll then start to get a sense of what's possible.

Your WS will be in the fog while the A continues. You can help bring him back with love and caring. The OW will be under extreme pressure as will your WS, both thinking the A could die at any time if the OP exits early. Your WS still being around you will drive a wedge between them, as will the OW being around the OWH. Expose to everyone you can tell about it. Tell the OWH the same. You will be going through some difficult times, it's hard work, but if you love him and want to be with him, it's worth the effort to get him back.

God bless,
CS

I tried to reply again but I guess it didn't work. I wrote him a nice letter. It told him that I loved him and understood what he was going through but that it wasn't too late. He doesn't care. His OW is 2 weeks further along in her divorce and has already reached a separation agreement from her H. My H won't talk to me about anything other than financial details and though he keeps saying he doesn't want to take me for everything, every single plan of his does just that. Though it seems generous on the surface, I get stuck with all the debt. So now half of me is trying to protect my own interests and half of me is trying to convince him to change his mind. Both halves are at odds - he gets really angry if I point out any particular legal aspect that works in my favour. And I can't be reasonable about so many things - it will probably work against me. I can tell he wants the house, but there's no way I can let that **&^* woman in my house. He also wants to take the bed. Same thing. These are not necessarily the smartest choices, but I can't help it. There has to be a line somewhere. She takes the love of my life and all of the important possessions in it too???!!!! It is so obvious they are planning to move in together. It just makes me sick. It all happened so fast and is spinning so far out of control. When will it end?

Hi Tabby1

I suggest that you don't talk D with your H. Get a lawyer to do that for you (have you engaged the services of a D lawyer yet?). If he wants to discuss S or D issues, refer him to your lawyer and leave it at that.

If you haven't engaged the services of a D lawyer yet, defer your H's D-talk by indicating that you prefer to let the lawyers discuss that and you were currently looking for one to represent you.

Right now he's an active WS and looking after HIS interests. Engage a professional to look after yours.

Hi Tabby1,

I can appreciate how difficult it is right now. Know that if he's still showing up at home, he's driving a wedge between them in that you're there. Him coming home a couple times a day might be to check on you. Is he the jealous type? One of the reasons that Plan B works is that jealous people tend to not want to think that someone they loved very much only a couple weeks ago, might now be heading into someone else's arms. If he is checking on you, you might be able to stir up some jealousy and and if so, he will be more apt to remember that he loves you and how much.

The OW right now if she is separating, she is probably directing him to leave you and he's starting to become confused, half wanting each of you and half not wanting either due to all the situation things going on right now. He is very confused, he will act very strange, hateful, loving, I don't know what to do, I know what I'm doing, things to make you feel hurt so he can feel better about what he's doing.

Do NOT leave your home, do not let him direct you out of it or to let go of anything. If it comes to that, a lawyer should be involved. Make your WH do all the work. My understanding is that you only need a lawyer when a lawyer or a court is talking to you. Otherwise, it is fine to sit tight and do nothing other than plan out what you want to do. Your WH can not tell you to do anything, he never could, you only did what you did, because you wanted to make him happy. At this point, you still do want him happy, but only as your H, not a WH.

You are still in the intial stage of this. If you still want your marriage saved, it's not too late because he's still showing up at home and sleeping there rather than with the OW. Granted he could still be with the OW at times, but he's sleeping at your home (unless I misunderstood what you said).

My WS said very similar things, she has since said she's sorry about it and is starting to act a lot like my W again. I still see the WS attitude occasionally, so it's not over for me yet. At 2 weeks though, it was much like you're decribing. Do not lose hope yet.

My best advice to you is, if he's out, you go out too. See some fun places, be social, go out with girlfriends or guy friends, and see the town, country side, parks, movies, etc... If he asks, tell him you were out and about doing things, but be dressed so he knows he's going to be competing soon for your attention if this proceeds much further. It will make him make a decision he won't want to make, it will put pressure on him to do to the OW, what he's doing to you, saying all the crazy stuff he says to you, to her. He will at some level. Doing your best, being happy around him and loving. He will become very confused. It will take time though. Throughout it all, no anger or demands because those kill love, but give him the best you can when he's behaving as the H, when he's the WH and gone, let him figure out what he wants, quickly. He will act much faster this way and start to doubt what he has with the OW.

These things can go either way, but the probability is that it will go better for you rather than the OW. Overall, you do not have to remain married to him either, don't feel like you are locked into being abused by his actions, if that's what it starts turning into.

Wishing you the best in however it turns out. Get all the ideas you can from this site and the people working through these same issues. There is more stuff on the general discussion forum, see that too. I highly recommend the Harley's books, you will have time to read them and make notes over the coming weeks. Set some limits on what you want to happen, and plan out your next moves. Don't do anything hasty, you have time to think things through. If you can't decide something today, make note of it and decide it some other day. He needs time to get the message that he still loves you, and is doing something wrong that he'll regret for the rest of his life. There's no knowing when he'll regret it, but if you plan A for some time and let him know how loving and caring you are under the worst of circumstances, that's all the more regret he'll have over it.

God bless,
CS

Hi Tabby1,

Also, if you go out when he's out, don't do anything, you'll regret it. The idea is to show him you're active socially, tell him nothing's happened if he asks later. He'll still wonder and that's what you want, him wondering what you're doing, perking up his interest in what you're doing. He will start feeling loads of guilt and uneasy that he's not with you when you're out. The OW is an unknown, she tells him things, and he doesn't know if they're the truth yet, or if he can count on her long term. You are a known, she isn't. She might still go back to her H, and if she does, your WH is out in the cold with no one. Let him know it's not just the OW that could leave him, but you might get caught up with someone else too (even though you won't want to do that until a D if there is one).

Pretend you are dating right now, do all the things you'd do for dating, but that your boyfriend of so many years, is now unsure of your relationship. Remind him of why he was sure of it before the OW showed up and confused him. He made a mistake, remind him of the mistake, do your best as if you're dating and trying to impress him, while potentially impressing others at the same time. It's really difficult to think like that, because you want the WS back to normal. Trust me though, you will want to be out being happy and doing things when he's out, else you'll be feeling down while waiting to see what will happen next. You make what happens, happen next. Later, tell him whatever you feel you want him to know about it, if anything.

God bless,
CS