Since I have been doing everything wrong from the start and because my situation is so different than most, I'm going to start over again. So right from the beginning, here is my story in a nutshell.

Both my WH and I were in the military stationed in New Orleans. WH retired in 2002 and moved back to our home in KY to be there for my mom (she didn't want to move to New Orleans.) She died Feb 2003. I got orders to DC in Oct 2003 and my husband decided not to come because he hates DC and he found a job he really wanted. That is where he met the OW and in Dec 2004 the A began. My coming home one weekend a month made it very easy for him to keep the A hidden. DDay was Jul 2006 when I went home to surprise him and they were in bed together. Since then I have done everything MB advises against, I didn't know about MB then. Dr Harley's book is one of several I bought but it was one of the last ones I read because I figured "surviving" meant the marriage was over. The roller coaster ride has been awful and nothing has really changed except that I am more clear headed now and I think I need to start by doing everything the right way because I am in it for the long haul. If mimi and silentlucidity can do it so can I. The following are my reasons for wanting to start over.

My husband and I are already separated by distance, he lives in our home so my asking him to leave would only force me to have to find other arrangements for my animals because I can't bring them to DC. Our home is being renovated and in no way ready to sell, we would end up losing money. I want the house because there are so many memories of my mother there but there is no way I can afford to have someone else complete the renovations. My husband is a wonderful carpenter and can complete the work himself if allowed to do so. As long as we are married I am collecting BAH with dependents so I am able to take the extra money and put it in an account that he will not have access to if there is a divorce. As I said, I am stronger now and I'm thinking more about what I need to do for me.

I know Plan A is geared towards convincing WH to end his A, but with me not being there and the OW having daily interactions with him, I don't see how I am going to be able to convince him. So I want to send him the following letter, any suggestions you might have would be more than welcome.

Jim,

I love you, I miss you, but most of all I miss us.

The past 10 months have been the worst I could ever imagine. The possibility of facing life without you in it is just more than I can bear. I cried when the minister said "Till death do you part" because I knew we were forever. I am still in shock that I didn't see our relationship unraveling. As you know I have made a lot of improvements in mysself and in my priorities. I know in my heart that if given the chance, we can have a wonderful new relationship as man and wife. I realize that my past attempts to reconcile have been a one-sided effort. You have told me many times that you are not sure if you want a divorce and as long as you feel that way, you will not be able to choose to join in the effort. However, you did choose to turn away from your vows and be with someon else. Obviously, I have to let you go because coming back has to be something you want to do just like you wanted to do when we got married. We have agreed to a one year separation and I truly hope you will honor that agreement for both our sakes. We have always been good friends and I want to remain that way for as long as we can. This entire experience has been extremely painful but I am going to make it. I have loved you for so many years and even though you say we didn't have any, I have many great and happy memories to remember. Find what you are looking for Jim and remember I am here for you. I love you no matter what, Bobby

Please be blunt, I think I can take it.
My next duty assignment will be in Jul 2008 and the reasons I brought up earlier will no longer be an issue. That will be the best time for me to go dark.

TW, you're going to find it's difficult to get feedback from MB regulars, because you've set up limitations on what you're willing to do to recover your marriage. When you do that, it makes an already precarious process all but impossible. You've made the decision your "animals" having a nice home and making a profit on selling your house are more important than getting your husband to come live with you. You've also already agreed on a separation and who knows what other things that tend to promote you and him detaching from each other. I don't know what other issues there are here, but just considering those factors you've talked about above (and in my humble opinion), there's very little room for anyone to give you meaningful advice.

BTW, I'm retired USAF. I have a suggestion that might have career implications. You're receiving BAH right now at the "with dependents" rate but that is contingent upon you providing support for your husband. Do NOT move all that money into an account only you can access or you're placing yourself in a position where your problems can be magnified by trouble with your commander and the military pay system.

If you have the time, perhaps you can read the thread linked in my signature space below regarding the development of a marital recovery plan. It may help you decide whether you want to get proactive in defense of your marriage or not.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

I don't know of any way to save this if you don't live there. The letter won't make a dent, I promise you.

You've made the decision your "animals" having a nice home and making a profit on selling your house are more important than getting your husband to come live with you.

Answer: My animals having a "nice" home is not a priority. My animals are my children (do not demean their importance to me) and I cannot have them in DC. I will not send them to the pound. I'm not looking for a profit on the house, I'm using it and the separation agreement to have time. Everything I have done has been wrong. I have pushed him so far away that he doesn't even want to talk to me and I have absolutely no physical contact with him at all anymore since I told him that as long as he is with her I don't want to see him when I come home. You all had the luxury of having your spouse nearby, even if you did have NC going. I have no friends there and I have no family there. I am so far away and there is no chance to get closer. He will not come live with me as long as their relationship continues. My hope is that it will end on it's own. I have to start at the beginning because I want to do this right and I am asking for help, but if that help is not here then thanks for your input.
Regarding BAH: He still has access to our bank account which is where my pay goes. I just transfer the extra BAH to another account. I get BAH because I have a dependent, it is not contingent on my supporting him, if it were he would receive it by allotment.
I am going to hold out as long as I can. As long as he doesn't ask for a divorce, I still have hope. In the meantime, I have to do whatever it takes to protect myself and my animals because in the end they might be all I have. Like I said, I want to start from the beginning and work myself to Plan B and I really could use some support. I've made a lot of mistakes on this journey but I have to leave them in the past so I can go on.
Thank you all for your time, I'm sorry I don't fit into your mold - I wish I was lucky enough to be that.
FYI: I requested a transfer to Syracuse because it's as close to his family as I can get. I thought he might be willing to move there if or when he starts thinking about us again. You are right, I am not ready to detach from him completely, that's why I want to start over.

TW, you don't understand. You CAN'T wait another year or, more correctly, nearly 18 months (August of 08, right?) and expect anything favorable to happen. There is a narrow window of opportunity during which you can take action to prevent an affair from becoming a new way of life for the wayward spouse. In other words, he’s in the process of becoming very comfortable with the OW and having the time of his life. You’re not interfering with his affair and everything’s coming up roses in his world. The longer it goes on, the less chance you have of getting him to come back to you.

I’m regret that you’re upset, but what good would it do to tell you everything will be fine and all you had to do was pet your animals and give the WH a cheery phone call every now and then? When you’re ready to do the HARD WORK of recovering your marriage, TW, we’ll be ready to help you. Let us know when you’re ready, okay?

LH

Tell him to throw out the bed and you find a way to move back.

Is your job more important than your M?

L.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone? WH's work, OW's work, OW's family? etc?

Is your job more important than your M

Answer: I'm in the military, I don't have a choice. If I did, yes, I would be back home - I would never have left.
I understand that I have no chance being so far away.

Longhorn: I have no window of opportunity, there is nothing I can do this far away. That's the truth. My asking for the year is giving me hope that the affair will end on it's own. It gives me time to learn to live without him, to do my job because as you know the military expects to come first and since I will have to take care of myself, my retirement is very important. My family knows but no one lives in the same state, his family knows but they don't want to get involved. Her family knows something but not everything. There really isn't anyone else to tell. I read where people doing Plan A after their WS has moved out and living with the OP. Mine hasn't moved out but we are still separated so I thought I could do a modified Plan A. I have to structure it to my needs. Plan A is giving encouragement and love (helping the WS to question having the A). The only thing I can do is be encouraging and loving, no LBs when he calls (I don't call him) and let him know that I don't support the A by making him leave when I come home. It's not much of a Plan A, if I were there I could ask him to move out, but what's the sense when we are already living apart? I'm holding on to a very thin line, there isn't much hope but I'm going to hang on as best I can. I'm not upset at any of you, I'm upset because I feel so alone and trapped. I'm on my own now.

Why don't you call Steve Harley? Maybe he will have dealt with something similar.

Plan A includes EXPOSURE...The "modified" Plan A that you are talking about is called "Plan Appeasement"...That is NOT what the "A" in Plan A stands for...I would strongly suggest that you give OW's parents a call and give them the COMPLETE picture, the "Brass Tacks", if you will...I can tell you that my own affair would have ended IMMEDIATELY upon exposure to OM's parents...

Honestly, I don't see what you have to lose...Your husband is already "gone" at this point and the longer you wait to become proactive the more entrenched his affair becomes...

What happens to a soldier when they hesitate TWBD?

Mrs. W

I have no idea where her father is but her mother lives two doors down. I have a phone number but I have no idea about what to say. I have her address too. My husband will be out of town the week of the 15th, would that be a good time to call? Would it be ok to write a letter?

When can you get out of the military? Can you get some kind of leave to go home and stake your claim for your husband?

Does your husband work with this OW? If so, you should expose to the mother of the ow and the job at the same time- infact, expose to everyone you can at one time. Do not give him any warning.

No time like the present! There is no reason to wait until your WH husband is out of town...I would suggest calling OW's mother TONIGHT...

I believe a phone call is best...What to say? Well, you just give the facts..."Hello, this is Mrs. TWBD, the wife of Mr. TWBD, I'm calling to let you know that your daughter is involved in an ADULTEROUS AFFAIR with my husband...I discovered this on "such and such a date", before that point I had no idea why my marriage was troubled...We are not legally separated or getting a divorce...My WH is living in my mother's home and I financially support him...I very much want to save my marriage and would appreciate your using the influence that you have with your daugther to have her step out of the way...I realize that when you speak to my husband and your daughter that they may very well try to spin this story...I can assure you that I am giving you all the facts...Here is my phone number should you wish to contact me for further verification..."

TWBD, the TRUTH is the solution to adultery...Affairs thrive in secrecy...Removing that veil of secrecy is the best chance that you have to bust up this affair...Expose to ANY targets immediately...

Mrs. W

Bump

See the I THINK I WENT DARK - HELP thread