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Joined: Feb 2007
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A little bit of background:
I am a FWW (DDay 12/26/06). I have had absolutely NC and will not. I am in IC, we've did 1 MC session w/ SH. My BH then became a WH (EA for sure, still don't know if it was ever PA). I exposed and he finally ended the A. There is no proof of any contact since that day (4/12/07). He immediately began meeting ENs and showing a real effort toward the M. This lasted 2 weeks.

Then this week his attitude has been back to how it was during his A. (I've kept a watchful eye, and I'm 99% certain that the A has not redeveloped.) He has not had any remorse of his A - he actually feels he was entitled to it and that it doesn't count b/c it wasn't "the same" as mine. And he also won't decide whether he wants to work on the M or not. He doesn't want to separate, but he also doesn't want to put forth the effort into recovery. He says it will take years for him to decide what to do. While I understand that it could easily take years to see if the M can recover from all this, I don't know that it should take years to just decide whether or not to work on the M.

Longhorn has been quite helpful in the saga and suggested that I pose this question to others. (Specifically Believer, Melody, Mr & Mrs W, and any others who can help.)

My questions:
Would you all mind giving some personal accounts of how long it took for you/your WS to begin feeling remorse? And how long before you/your spouse made the decision to separate or begin working on the M?

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Hmm.

My wife decided I deserved another chance (LOL) and came home to work on the marriage 2 weeks after D-Day. But it was 6 months before I really knew she got it and I saw remorse.

Quite honestly, I suspect he has broken NC. I'd pretty much put money on it.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I honestly don't think that NC has been broken - maybe I'm too hopeful here. But I think it was the run-in with XOM that stirred the pot here. My concern is that he feels that he was entitled to his A and that he is unwilling to make a commitment to either work on the M or get out of the M. I am understanding of a limbo-period, but how long should it last?

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I think you may have a point on the contact with x-om. Can't tell from your postings what kind of interaction that may have been. If it was a 'in your face' kind of interaction, then I can imagine it may have been another d-day type of trigger. Do you have an idea what happened that day?

It could be the XOM just set your recovery backwards. On purpose ? what do you think ? Hang in there - it had looked like you were doing good in the last couple of weeks.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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The run-in w/ XOM seemed to be coincidental. However, once XOM saw my H (remember, they were best friends) he tried to act as if they were still buds. I do know that XOM told my H that he and the XW needed to stop acting like victims. RUDE! After that, H ditched him. XOM sent somewhere between 10-15 text msgs wondering where H went, etc. after that. H didn't reply. XOM's XW keeps contacting my H too. He can't seem to tell either one of them to just go away.

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You see, I knew immediately upon discovery that I wanted out of my A and back into my M. I knew immediately that I didn't want to lose my H and that the OM was certainly not worth it. I immediately felt horrible for what I had done and immediately began working on the M because I couldn't stand the thought of losing my H.

So, back to the question at hand ... How long did it take for you to see remorse? How long did it take for your WS to decide whether it is worth working on the M or not?

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TFC,

It's been about 6 months since the end of my WW's A, and my W is starting to show some signs of remorse from what she did. Actually, it's not so much remorse as much as guilt. She REALLY does not want to talk AT ALL about the past year, and quickly looks to change the subject. My W doesn't want to feel to blame for her actions - she's really stubborn. I would say give it at least 6 months of NC and pure plan A on your part. You have the added burden of having your A to overcome as well. I'm sure he'll try and justify his actions for quite some time based on what you did, so you should probably give it even longer. Recovery is a long and difficult road.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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TFC, I'm almost in the exact same sitch w/ my WW, except my infidelity was over 12 years ago, confessed to W 9 years ago (details in sig. link).

I confessed on my own w/o being discovered, though I knew I was probably about to be caught and couldn't bear the guilt any more. I was immediately remorseful and begged forgiveness. I knew I did a horrible thing and finally took responsibility for my actions. I took a long hard look in the mirror, and restored my fellowship with the Lord and sought His forgiveness and healing to help me change from the monster I had become.

Now that I'm the BS, it's extremely difficult for me to deal w/ the different reaction from my WW. What helps me is accepting that not everyone handles things the same. I think jmwc's experience is what I'm dealing w/, extreme guilt from my WW, but not remorse, in the sense of actually wanting to make amends and accept all consequences of her terrible choices.


FWH, BS (me), 43
BS, FWW, 42
DS 20, 13

PAs With W's Sister's Friend & Prostitute - SF Only (me), 1992-93
Married July 1994
Hit On W's Underage Sister & Close Friends, 1996-98
I Confessed Everything, Spring 1998
My D-Day, Jan. 2007
She Moved Out, Feb. 2007
Filed For D 4/18/07 For Legal Protection, Did Not Pursue

FWW Moved Back Home 08/05/07
Status: I'm Not Sure
(original thread of my sitch lost)
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So far it looks like the consensus is ~6 months?

Would any more of you mind weighing in? Mimi, Orchid, Pep, Melody, Believer, Mr & Mrs W? I truly respect what each of you has brought to MB and would value any insight you may have.

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<bumping for some more input today>

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Quote
So far it looks like the consensus is ~6 months?
Time - My FWW immediately expressed regret & remorse after I confronted her on her LTA. She has a few instances of NC up to the six month mark were she claims to have gotten it and didn't want anything to do w/ the OM.
Believe six months post D-day is about right b/c, IMO the trauma of the A begins to recede (for the WS) and normalcy may return, at which point they ask themselves what was I about to throw away (either the S or the OP).
If they don't get it by then, even after having time to see the pain they've caused, then I have to wonder if they ever will grow up and take responsibility for their actions.

V/r,
No Way


BS (me) 44
FWW 41
M 18 yrs
FWW in LTA, Dday Jan 2005
K - S15 & D12
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Is this after there is NC? My problem with my WH is that he is still in contact with the OW by helping her son with go-cart racing. So, when do you start Plan B?


BS - me - 30 WH - 31 Married - 8 yrs Together - 14 yrs D-Day - 10-02-06 WH is still in contact with OW!!!!! [url=link]My Story ]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...HPSESSID=[/url] Finally told me the truth of his feeling about OW - 1-03-07 DD - 5 mths DS - 2yrs
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Quote
Is this after there is NC?

In my case, and for this discussion, I am assuming NC is in place and has not been broken.


Anybody want to weigh in on how long it took their WS to decide "hey, I think I want to give this marriage a try"?


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