Greetings & Salutations,

Within the past year I have come to find out that my wife of five years has bi-polar disorder, which is a mental illness. I truly believe that most of our marital problems, including the infidelity (her, not me), are a result of this mental illness. This is not to say that I haven't done my share for causing some of the arguments and problems but in all honesty it really is mostly her. We have been trying to get her on the proper medications but that process can take some time. Without getting into detail, I must say that I'm at my wits end with her. I will be politically incorrect by saying she is a fat and lazy with a mental illness. She is unable to hold a job, she is unable to adequately care for our children, and our finances are constantly in jeopardy due to her inability to control her spending.

I searched the marriagebuilders website to find articles on trying to fix a marriage with a spouse that has a mental illness and to my surprise by using their search engine I did not get one hit. There was no articles turned up for "mental illness", "bipolar", or "bi-polar". I have read an alarming statistic that over 90% of marriages where one spouse has a mental illness end in divorce. For those that are not familiar with bipolar disorder I will just say that it will be extremely difficult or dare I say impossible....literally....for my bi-polar wife to follow any policy of joint agreement as the problems are much bigger than surviving infidelity or dealing with annoying behaviors. I am not saying these are small issues but there are things that can be done and changed to overcome common marital problems. Bi-polar on the other hand can't be overcome or changed. People don't stop being bi-polar. It can only be managed and even with medications it can't be managed all the time.

I guess I'm writing to find out if anyone else has any insight with what I am dealing with or know of any good resources or books on the subject. I don't want to divorce my wife but living this way is becoming increasingly difficult. Quite frankly, I do not believe I am strong enough to deal with her mental issues for the rest of my life especially when I can never forget that she has cheated on me.

Welcome.

You are absolutely right. Until the bipolar disorder is under control, your wife cannot follow the policy of joint agreement. Most likely, she won't be able to meet your emotional needs nor stop love busting. Nor will you meeting her needs without expecting anything in return for a period of time entice her to change.

It's sad but until her disorder is controlled, you need to go into a protective mode. Cancel the credit cards, open a bank account in your name only, and make sure the children have what they need and are safe.

The good news is your wife is getting help. I know it can be hard to get bipolars properly diagnosed because when they're in a manic phase they feel fine. There's also a problem with adherence to medication for what I hear. You know, they feel better and stop taking their medication.

This section can be a little, a lot, slow. There are some people on Emotional Needs who are dealing with mentally ill spouses, addicted spouses, etc. Pop over there.

How are your kids doing ? Do you think they are being effected significantly ?

This is a tough way to live. Is this the way you want to live ? Be careful - the longer you are married to her the higher the possibility that you will have to pay alimony and support her - possibly for life as she is sick.


Signed - divorced my bi-polar wife and fought for and got custody of the kids. No regrets.

Greetings & Salutations,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I responded. I know only two responded but I really appreciate those two responses. Currently, my wife and I are "separated" in the sense that she went away with the kids to stay with relatives for several weeks. Of course, this upset me greatly due to the fact that I will not see my children for that amount of time. Not only that but I didn't want her to go because I didn't want to get to the point I'm at now. I wanted to try and work on my marriage but now that I've been on my own for a few days my life feels better without her even though I miss my children. About two weeks ago in a discussion she had stated to me that she wanted to have a divorce. Now, I suspect that she said this in an attempt to rattle my cage to get me to do or agree to something she wanted me to do or agree to. I can't remember what we were arguing about. For our entire marriage she has threatened divorce and I always caved in. This time I didn't. Now, keep in mind it wasn't like we were having a screaming match or anything. We were debating something vigorously (again, I can't remember the subject) and she brought up divorce and I simply called her out on it. I told her, "look, if divorce is something you really want to go through and you truly think your life will be better without me, then I will not fight you with this anymore." She was interested in the whole concept of divorce until she spoke to one of her friends that reminded her that where we live that if you consider the length of our marriage (six years) that is just not long enough for her to get permanent alimony. In subsequent discussions I had with her after she dropped "divorce" on me I told her that if this is something to persue that everything will be laid bare which includes the adultery, the bipolar disorder, the fact that our children aren't cared for properly in the mornings (when I'm at work) will all come out. She says she wants custody of the kids and I told her that I will leave that up to the judge to determine. I told her the only stuff I want is the stuff I brought into the marriage and she can have the rest of it. I also told her that if we sell the house all I want is that the credit card debt amassed in the past year (which really isn't much) to be paid off and she can keep the rest.

I feel that I'm ready to move on with a divorce when she gets back from this "seperation". Before she left she said that she didn't want to divorce but I suspect she doesn't want to divorce mainly because she's afraid and quite frankly would ultimately have more to lose even if she gets most of my stuff. I really don't want anything in regards to stuff or possessions other than my clothes, guitar, baseball cards, couch, van, and Wii. I don't hate my wife. I don't even dislike my wife. Actually, in some ways I do love my wife and if we divorce I want her to have the best opportunity to be happy and successful. That said, there comes a point where I feel that enough is enough. She has also been physically abusive toward me in front of the children….literally. I'm not talking about a shove. I mean I was punched in the face. She is a horrible driver and she drives very aggressively partially because (I suspect) she likes to terrorize me as I am a very cautious and defensive driver. She punched me in the face a few weeks ago because I got on her case for turning around to check on the kids while she was driving and she nearly hit a curb. I told at her to turn around and again reminded her that her eyes should be on the road and she told me to shut up. I said I would not shut up because she was being irresponsible with our safety and that's when she punched me. One of them was coughing badly and I feel it is the responsibility of any driver behind the wheel to keep the passengers and others on the road safe by driving responsibly. There is nothing she could have done for my son when he was coughing badly turned around. Safety behind the wheel and the safety of my family is something I value and that cannot happen if you are turned around with your eyes off the road as you are moving forward when there are cars around.

I have come to a point where I feel that I'm in the prime of my life and see little sense in staying on the sinking ship that is my marriage. There's a song out there called "Sometimes love just ain't enough". I'm not saying my life is like that particular song but I am saying in my marriage love isn't enough. There are certain things that I expect from my wife when it comes to how finances are handled, how my children are taken care of, how I should be treated, and that I should be respected. As I said, I feel that my marriage is like a sinking ship and if I stay in it I'm going to drown. I know I'm going to hear it from the religious people in her family and they will shake that bible at me by saying that adultery is the only reason to divorce (they don't know she has cheated on me) but why stay in a marriage for another 10-20 years if it's ultimately going to end badly? I will not tell her family about the adultery because that can make a bad situation worse. From what I know of bipolar there is no guarantee that things will get better if she is on the correct medications, which is something we've been trying to figure out for a while now…..over a year. How good can things really get?

Notashoped, if you read this (and I really hope you see this) can you share for me some of your experiences that you went through in your marriage? Can anyone else share their experiences of being married to a spouse that is bipolar?

Despite all of this, I can say that I have no regrets marrying my wife. The good times were good and the bad times were bad and unfortunately for us bipolar proved to be a destructive thing. I must sound like I've made up my mind even though technically I haven't. I want to give it the full length of time while she is away before I make a final decision as to whether to stay or go but it looks like I'm leaning toward going. It really is sad that things are headed in this direction but as I said before I feel for me it has come to a point where I've had enough of the insults, abuse, wasteful spending, inadequate child care, and all the other things I feel she should be doing as a wife. My wife is not a wife but a dependent (like a child) and when you consider my five year old and my three year old she is the most dependent of them all and she's 27.

I have learned a lot through this experience and I have grown as a person. I am a better man for being married to my wife. I actually don't anticipate getting married again if I eventually divorce. I'm not saying that this experienced has soured me on marriage but I think for myself in order to marry again it really would have to be with someone that I feel I could not live without. I don't think it's possible for me to ever feel that way about a person.

I feel genuinely sorry for you. I myself was recently diagnosed with bipolar II, and am on medication for it. This has helped hugely.

However, the meds are merely the icing on the cake. I've spent the past 20 years taking responsibility for my issues, courageously facing my deepest pain and needs, and working through them to get to where I am today.

It doesn't sound like your W has even taken any responsibility for herself and her actions. Unless she wants to change, and face her issues, medication won't change her fundamentally selfish character. I for one support you in wanting to get out (harsh as that sounds).

Best of luck