Piojitos
about being real: unfortunately it is very real. I know this man (BIL) and his problems inside and out. He's H's business partner, our best friend, child's godfather (we are Catholic) and older brother all wrapped in one. He's always there the minute we need him and vice versa. He comes to us when he wants to get away from his W;
I have already done the "it's not real, it's all in your head" bit.
Unfortunately, it is more real than marriage with H has ever been.
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Dear Lady:
You are here because you sense disaster in the making and you are right. You have done the right thing by never, ever being alone with him. The only part you have wrong is the love bit. It is an infatuation.
Unfortunately, your social conditioning does not allow you to see it for what it is. I will try to explain as best I can.
Of course it feels real, as real as fool's gold. It looks like love, tastes like love, feels like love. It is called an infatuation. It is called an infatuation addiction. And there are several reasons why you feel this way, especially the obsessing bit.
This may save your life and all you hold dear, so pay attention. I am going to tell you what you must hear and probably know I will say.
Unless you have a firm grip on reality, you will not accept what I am going to tell you and you may self destruct. And by so doing, destroy at least two families AND THEIR CHILDREN, maybe more, including yourself and the brother, all destroyed, forever and for what; a temporary addiction?
1.
It is dirt easy to fall in 'love,' just exchange confidences. This is called intimacy. Shrinks have done the studies, trust me I have the long version of that. This is also called an infatuation and the exchange of intimacies is how it starts.2. Infatuations are chemical based in the brain and start with a need. A person projects ideal qualities on the other person that ARE NOT REAL or at least not real enough. It cold be Fred the Baker if you exchanged confidences and triggered the chemicals. Please trust me, this is fool's gold. And the fool's gold is called infatuation.
3. Infatuations last maybe two or three years at the most, sometimes less, way less, but while you are in the infatuation, you obsess, you do crazy stuff, you are in the grip of a CHEMICAL ADDICTION, much like COCAINE.
4. WOMEN very often confuse infatuation with love and you have a three to seven year cycle. Right place, right man, and voila, you fall into an infatuation and call it love. Unless you are a real adult, during this new infatuation, you may destroy families, children, yourself and the object of your attention.
5. You will make up stuff about your husband or take stuff and make them more important. You will tell yourself you married the wrong man because the new addiction makes you forget the old one.
IT IS SELF DESTRUCTION WITH A VENGENCE. And it is all based on TEMPORARY chemicals in the brain. Unless you obsess, in which case you can keep the fires burning for a very long time. And unrequited infatuations can cause the obsession. If the deed was done, reality would start to set in and you would wake up one morning to reality.
I am going to tell you a very short story, with many details left out so you can read it quickly.
A long lost relative of mine showed up; other than me, the last of my family. I embraced him with open arms. Eventually, and there is no kind way to put it, my wife embraced him with open legs. She was going to leave me for him. They fell in love, she more than he based on the infatuation cycle that hits women harder.
I stalled for a month and then made my play. She picked me because of the kids. She lived to thank God for that decision. The addiction burned off fairly quickly and she was left with the following:
What she and he did destroyed his family (not just his wife, his son as well) and nearly destroyed ours. What she allowed herself to do destroyed any chance that the relative and I could have a relationship and she blames herself for that. I blame both of them, if blame is the right word.
He proved to be somewhat of a charlatan. Here is how:
The relative found a new girl friend three weeks after me and my wife ran him off and a week after he sent her a letter promising a lifetime of love and that he would wait for her. The new girlfriend moved in two months later and they got married some months after that when his divorce was final.
He was needy, obviously. And his need mixed with her infatuation blinded both of them to the obvious consequences.
I bonded with him, and trusted him with my wife, who was going through hard times for a lot of reasons. And he did what he did. So did she. I was working long hours to save our business and keep the money flowing in. She was a full time nursing student and they were trying to kill her at school. All of the other precursors for an affair by her were in place and we were both ignorant, blind and stupid how our marriage had caused us to drift apart.
Most husbands who lack the specialized point of view that knowledge of marriage builder principles teach us, would NOT be able to handle the fact you have become infatuated with his brother.
I made a mistake. My wife came to me and said she was falling in love with this relative. I had no clue. I said that was ok so they could be like brother and sister. And with that statement and attitude, helped the destruction that followed. I was a ignorant fool.
It has been 18 months. She no longer has feelings for the guy, she is indifferent to him except she regrets the cost to BOTH OUR FAMILIES. He is as if dead to her. I talk to him every once in a while. He wants to make it up to me any way he can. I don't know how that is possible.
And the night she had a choice to make, he might have been really dead. My emotions were self destructive, yes, but the family relationship between us could have triggered the killer instinct.
It has happened. I trusted that male with my wife and there you go. Because of the emotions, I was close to killing him, or me.
Given the addiction phase you are in, you probably won't believe what we are trying to tell you or at least not want to believe it. Please trust me. I have lived where you are and I have see the results, the consequences, the reality that is so illusive for you right now.
You are in an obsession loop. It is caused by your infatuation. The fix is to replace that infatuation with one for your husband. Get help. Somehow find a pro marriage counselor and GO THERE RIGHT NOW. Please do this before you and all you love finds an EMOTIONAL TRAIN WRECK from which none of you will every really recover.
Your hurt is my hurt. I am here for you, just post or email. And don't ever, ever allow yourself to be alone with the brother until you get this fixed.
You are my wife's number one nightmare that she relives in her head from time to time, less now than in months past. If you really do what you might do, you will be like us, and both live with the regret for the rest of your lives; the regret of destroyed families, NOT LOST LOVE, because the love was fool's gold.
Larry
