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Bubbles: LISTEN to what DIG is telling you. This is reality. Remeber the grass is greener whereever you water it. Don't water the BIL or let him water you. Larry
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BB, your H should be told about this TODAY. He has a right to know about this affair because it is information about his life to which he is ENTITLED. He must be told so can make the decision about whether or not he would choose to stay in this marriage. He has a RIGHT to make that choice himself. He also must know so he can protect himself from you and his sleazy polecat of a brother. Sorry Mel. I am not with you on this one. She is here looking for help. She got in her trap through ignorance but is smart enough to see consequences. We can yell at her or help her. In my opinion, you are reading stuff in her post that isn't there and may or may not be there. I got the tee-shirt on this one and I am going to try to help her. Larry Settle yourself down, Larry, I have been here a very long time and we don't need a self appointed post patrol. You are free to say what you wish, but you are not free to dictate the posts of others. You are not in a position to determine what is or isn't "helpful."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok Bubbles, I'll bite. Did you have an affair before? If so, how did it work for you? I assume you are looking for help, that is why you posted here. So what kind of help are you looking for?
Larry
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Now when you say you don't think your BIL is a scad. Let me ask you something. If your H were to find your sister attractive and she was married with kids and had considered getting together for a little one on one action with your DH would you think she is a wonderful girl and think I could definitely see why he would want her and give them your blessing. Or would you think that b#### how dare she?
Then you can tell us if you still think of your BIL as an honorable man.
Me (32) H (33) 3 DD's 9,8,2 1 DS 4 Married 4/19/99 According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL 
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I have the feeling you think this guy is a cad.
He is not, believe me. BB, any man who has an affair, especially with his own brothers wife, is worse than a CAD. It doesn't matter how long he has been infatuated. The answer is not to PURSUE his relationship, but to stay farther away. Tell your H TODAY, BB, that is the answer to this. To NOT tell him is cruel and manipulative. He needs to know NOW so he can protect himself from you and his brother.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Larry, may I e-mail you with a question? I already gave you permission. Be cautioned that if it is over my head, I will refer you right back here. It is really not a good idea to be emailing privately with members of the opposite sex from this board. This is WHY Harley has the private message function disabled, Larry. You are free to do what you wish, but it is really not the wisest thing. And honestly, there is nothing she can't say here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hey Mel how are you doing? I see that your assertiveness class is doing wonders for you. You learn well me friend. Keep up the good work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
You two are on the same side you just have different ways of expressing it so don't bite off each other's head in the process.
Mel I can see your inner Pitbull emerging. You go girl.
Me (32) H (33) 3 DD's 9,8,2 1 DS 4 Married 4/19/99 According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL
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BB, your H should be told about this TODAY. He has a right to know about this affair because it is information about his life to which he is ENTITLED. He must be told so can make the decision about whether or not he would choose to stay in this marriage. He has a RIGHT to make that choice himself. He also must know so he can protect himself from you and his sleazy polecat of a brother. Sorry Mel. I am not with you on this one. She is here looking for help. She got in her trap through ignorance but is smart enough to see consequences. We can yell at her or help her. In my opinion, you are reading stuff in her post that isn't there and may or may not be there. I got the tee-shirt on this one and I am going to try to help her. Larry Settle yourself down, Larry, I have been here a very long time and we don't need a self appointed post patrol. You are free to say what you wish, but you are not free to dictate the posts of others. You are not in a position to determine what is or isn't "helpful." I am not a post patrol. But I am also free to disagree with a post as you are and as I have seen you do. You have been here a long time. But that is a straw man. You gave the woman direction without telling her WHY in terms with which she could deal with it in a positive way. I took exception. You didn't like it. The end. I won't fight about it past this post, period. Larry
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BB:
Are you out there?
And your BIL is a CAD.
He could have been attracted to you before you where even maaried.
So What.
That's what friendship is. You can LIKE people. ENJOY thier company.
But you can not exchange confidences/secrets/rumours/racy thoughts without destroying something else.
So, come off the ledge. Go talk to your H.
If you have been around here long, you need to know tha Dr. Harley recommends that you spend 15 hours a week of undivided attention.
When was the last time that happened?
Change that, and BIL will just fade away.
Back to the appropriate box in your world. He's your BIL. Nothing More, Nothing Less.
LG
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I am not a post patrol. But I am also free to disagree with a post as you are and as I have seen you do. You have been here a long time. But that is a straw man. You gave the woman direction without telling her WHY in terms with which she could deal with it in a positive way. I took exception. You didn't like it. The end. I won't fight about it past this post, period.
Larry No, Larry, you didn't "disagree," you lectured. You didn't refute a single point I made. Nor can you, because the right thing to do is to tell her husband NOW. You need to monitor the "positiveness" of your OWN posts, Larry, because you are not qualified to monitor or dictate the 'postiveness" of the posts of others. You can only control yourself, after all.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BB,
I saw that you do have kids, or at least one that still lives with you and your Soon-to-be-betrayed-husband (stbbh). AS a BS myself, please consider these courses of action:
1)Tell your stbbh about what you are feeling so that he can do what is necessary to protect his family, both your kids with him and his brother. Investigate the material here and in His Needs Her Needs and Lovebusters.
2)Divorce your stbbh if you do not feel capable of being honest. That will at least allow him to preserve some good will towards you and his brother. Your actions will engender bitterness that will likely destroy your immediate family, the extended family and probably ruin your relationship with your children for the forseeable future. You may not currently have any feelings of love for your stbbh, but at least respect him as a human being.
If I hated someone the most I possibly could, I would wish what you are about to do on them. What has your stbbh done to deserve this cruel and selfish treatment you are about to dish out? Your stbbh would probably prefer you drive over him in your car to your having an affair with his brother.
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Larry, may I e-mail you with a question? I already gave you permission. Be cautioned that if it is over my head, I will refer you right back here. It is really not a good idea to be emailing privately with members of the opposite sex from this board. This is WHY Harley has the private message function disabled, Larry. You are free to do what you wish, but it is really not the wisest thing. And honestly, there is nothing she can't say here. I agree with you, which is why I went on to say: Be also cautioned that this is a one off thing. I cannot and will not get into lengthy correspondence over some issue. The reason for a support group is to get an assortment of views so that you can be helped from a variety of angles, some of which will be off the mark and some on. After cooling off, let me say this. Obviously I am way overloaded on this one. It hit a major trigger with me. A relative having an affair with a wife is so stupid sordid as to be beyond belief as most folks look at it. Yet I lived through it, somehow. And somehow I stayed more or less sane, not an easy task considering. . . My point is that her husband doesn't need protection FROM her, he needs rebonding WITH her. Yes, he needs protection from his "brother" if the brother fails the test in one of my posts, which it looks as if he has. And his wife is the one who may or may not be the one to protect her husband, but I hope she does. Maybe I am too close to this one for dispassionate advice, maybe not. Bubbles: I got gutting like a fish. So did everyone else involved. Is that the outcome you seek? Probably not, given that you are here, or at least I hope not. I know how you feel, been there, seen it with my own tear filled eyes. Yet I also know how you are GOING TO FEEL and trust me, it is a level of guilt that no human being should have to carry around with them. I was there to help my wife deal with the downside. That was good for her because otherwise, well, lets just say otherwise and let your imagination build up the rest. Given your family dynamics, you would be more gutted than your husband, kids, parents, et al. Is it worth it to continue to build up the illusion in your mind? You are on the edge of a cliff. Your first step back is what you gotta do. Tell BIL to back off and do it in language so he understands - 2X4. Then set about to get your own house in order. I haven't a clue how you manage to do it in such a way that the two brothers can even look at each other again, much less continue a business and have a relationship with parents. I suspect you know you have landed in deep poo through ignorance and frankly, emotional stupidity. Now you want an out. Okay, this is the right place for advice. Can you take it? From this point, you have two roads to travel, neither of which look real good. Both are minefields. But you are where you are and there is no reset button. Keep posting, and people here will try to help. Larry
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My point is that her husband doesn't need protection FROM her, he needs rebonding WITH her. Yes, he needs protection from his "brother" if the brother fails the test in one of my posts, which it looks as if he has. And his wife is the one who may or may not be the one to protect her husband, but I hope she does. Maybe I am too close to this one for dispassionate advice, maybe not. No, Larry, he very much needs protection from her, she is harming him behind his back. Affairs are something from which someone needs to be PROTECTED. Not telling him is CRUEL, MANIPULATIVE, and DANGEROUS. He should not trust her and he will not know this until he is given the FACTS about his OWN LIFE. Perhaps you would like to read Dr. Harley's own words on this: " Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. " <snip> "After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. "http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.htmlI agree with you, which is why I went on to say:
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Be also cautioned that this is a one off thing. I cannot and will not get into lengthy correspondence over some issue. The reason for a support group is to get an assortment of views so that you can be helped from a variety of angles, some of which will be off the mark and some on. This misses the point, Larry. Off board relationships are not recommended because they can lead to AFFAIRS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And Bubbles, let me just say one final thing.
If my wife hadn't done a 180 and devoted all of her emotional energy to rebonding with me and doing everything in her power to join with me for the two of us to heal, I have only a glimpse of where I would be today. And that glimpse scares the poo out of me.
And I have a glimpse of where she would be as well. And the sight of that isn't any better than mine. The blood relation makes this way over the top of a normal (if there is such a thing) affair. Given that I have lived through what you are about to live through, I see outcomes that scare me on your behalf, but that was your CHOICE, so my focus is on the outcome for all the rest; your kids, parents and your husband, who deserves none of what is being served on his dish no matter his flaws as a human being.
I gotta go. I don't want to get in a fight with Mel and maybe I am too close to this one to help.
Larry
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Mel:
Read my last post. I did it BEFORE I read your last one to me. The only thing that saved me was rebonding with my wife, which is why I have said everything I have said here.
I understand Harley's teachings and don't disagree with any of them. Yet I know what my wife did FOR me after what she did TO me. Mel, I was very, very close to suicide and I didn't tell anyone.
Wait, maybe you are right. Her husband needs protection from her as she is NOW, but not as she COULD be if she chooses that path.
I'm gone...
Larry
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bubblebath already has a PA with some other man....under her belt for whom her husband forgave... she is the epitomy of selfish unrepentant actions.... she is far from choosing any path of light...and much much much more interested in defending the OM as such a good guy.... I'll bet dollar to donuts that there is no verbal communication of an actual affair... just her brain creating an infatuation and labeling it an emotional affair.... perhaps even one sided on her part...aside from her own words of him 'flirting" with her.... doubt there is much one on one time between just her and him.. more likely time spent with the familly...and her husband...spun in to some thing it's not necessarilly my plan to help her... keep her and her family in my prayers.... ps Cymanca.... do you think really think poor BIL is a CAD??? well just for solidarity.... IF it truly is an acknowledged EMOTIONAL AFFAIR as bubblebath says it is.. where the two sit around speak of their love in endless drabble... I'm with you brother...and think he is a CAD as well.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> bubbles here the same question everyone gets when they come and post the way you do.. why are you here at marriage builders... what do you want.... to hurt people or to find help in stopping your "affair"... ARK^^
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I understand Harley's teachings and don't disagree with any of them.
Wait, maybe you are right. Her husband needs protection from her as she is NOW, but not as she COULD be if she chooses that path. We don't have any idea what she "could be," we have to deal with WHAT IS, Larry. REALITY. And as it is NOW, she is dangerous to him and needs to know the truth. He needs protection FROM HER. And he can't protect himself until he knows the truth. She needs to tell him the TRUTH. NOW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm with you brother...and think he is a CAD as well.... In Texas we call dem rascals POLECATS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am at work and have not had the opportunity to read all the replies. Will have to digest a lot of information and advice, though. Need some time.
As to my previous affair, that was sex alone.
Sorry to be blunt, but that happens with women as well not just men. It really was just sex.
What I feel now is different.
Regarding the blood honor, may I add here that BIL has always engaged in some mild flirting (well, maybe not so mild) but has never actually acted on the "feelings"; we have been alone in the past (one time he drove me back from Hospital at night; I was alone, H and children were not at home and he was there with me at the hospital, picked me up and drove me home). That was long ago,I did not feelanything for him then, so maybe that's the reason, but he really did not try anything.
So I will tentatively reply that yes, I think he does pass the blood honor test.
Anyway, thank you all, I need to read through all the replies now and make some sense of all this confusion.
BB
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Hmmmm.... just sex.... gueess that was okay huh? Okay... what do you call a woman that has any type of affair with anyone in her husbands family? a. ho b. homewrecker c. all of the above what do you call a BIL that has an inappropriate relationship with his brothers wife? a. ho b. homewrecker c all of the above now who do you contact to fix this type of problem> http://www.jerryspringertv.com/Get a friggin life.
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